Fall 2016

So, I actually wrote a post a few months ago, but I've noticed I always seem to post in groups of two. I.e. I write a post, don't publish it, wait a few months then write another post and post them both at the same time cause posting is actually really hard. You'd think as an owner of a blog I would be used to it by now. You'd think after having so much incredibly positive feedback after each one, it would be a breeze. But it's not cause it's hard to be vulnerable. But it is so worth it. I'm always grateful when people share their struggles and when they can connect with mine, no matter how different they are in, because that's what really connects us. It's what makes meaningful friendships and I'm so grateful.

Okay, huge update though. I'M IN SCHOOL!!!! This is a big deal everybody. I'm in 2 classes, Bio 100( my last G.E.) and Structural Analysis. That second was is a HUGE deal to me because, A, it's really hard and time consuming and requires sitting down for 3-4 hours thinking about 2 problems, and B, I've attempted to take this class multiple times and I was in this class for one month a year and a half ago and it was the worst because no matter how much I wanted to do it and knew I had to, I was physically unable to and it killed me. I ended up having to drop all my classes that semester which was one of the hardest and in hindsight best things I've ever done. So how am I faring now? I LOVE it. For the average student, sitting down to 3 hours of homework is not exactly fun or empowering, but I walk away feeling on top of the world. I did it! I actually understood it! I was actually able to sit down and focus and accomplish things without thinking about my physical sickness! Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to do that? Too long. It's actually coming up on two years.

So what does this mean about my health? Am I better? Not exactly...I still feel kinda nauseated and get headaches more than the average human, BUT I will say I have made HUGE progress in my energy. Remember how I used to sleep 12-14 hours a day. Every day. For the past 1.5 years? Now, I go to bed at midnight and I physically cannot sleep in. Well, not to the extent I used to. Now, I wake up before my alarm at 8, 9 and 10 instead of 12, 1, and 2. I hardly ever need naps. I have been SO productive, I've completely forgotten everything that can be accomplished in a real day! This means school is super doable and on top of that, wedding planning has been a breeze. Seriously we planned everything in less than 3 weeks and we only have a handful of things to do in the next 2 months. It's awesome. WHO AM I??

So, what have I been doing? What's the secret? Well, a weeks ago, I discovered foot zoning and I believe that has made all the difference. I definitely believe acupuncture has helped over the past 8 months #1 to cope until I found something to help more and #2 just to get me in a position where I was taking care of myself in such a way that I was ready and doing everything in my power to heal and be better. This scripture particularly hits home when I think of the past year and a half:

                "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." D&C 64:33

It made it all worth it when I go to the doctor and explain everything (for the 8th time) and he says things like, "Wow, you are being really proactive! You are really doing everything within your power to be well. I have no idea if I'll be able to help, but keep it up! I believe you will overcome this just with your diligence and attitude, eventually." And when I went to foot-zoning the first time, " I can tell you have a very healthy lifestyle and you eat very clean (healthy) and you're doing good stuff! It shouldn't take too much to help you." And it makes it all worth it. 

So, what is foot-zoning? It's an alternative medicine where you basically just get a foot massage haha but it's also the idea that your foot is a map to the rest of your body so by looking at certain places that are hard, red, swollen, hurt when pressure is applied, you can tell what's going on in your body. For example, I learned (again) that my main problem was lots of toxins and heavy metals in my brain. That's why it was difficult for me to wake up, it seriously took me like an hour of laying in bed before I could actually do stuff, and the brain fog, difficulty concentrating. I also learned that I have thyroid issues (again) and I have a virus (again). So if I already knew these things, what difference would it make? I think the big difference is having an effective way of actually targeting each problem to lead to a solution. My favorite part too is it's probably the cheapest treatment and so far the most effective. AND I'm on like zero medicine. There were times I would take 20-30 pills EVERY DAY. She put me on tea twice a day and some essential oils and supplements and I've gradually worked down to 2 pills twice a day. It's amazing!!! And I feel the best I ever had during this whole thing. I found out about her because Steven went to her this summer and got major help with a bunch of stuff that he's been struggling with for a long time and she's helped other people and I know it sounds like a weird concept, but there are definitely real results and it's awesome. I'm hoping this progress will continue, I have a lot of hope.

I'm not going to lie, this year has been really hard. It's tried my faith more than ever before. I've had to use my faith more than ever before. But it's through this year that I've learned that faith more than just believing, it's doing. It's doing when it doesn't make any sense. It's doing when it's the last thing you want to do. It's breaking up for your boyfriend you've already set a temple date(February) even though you really, really want to marry him and he's the only thing that makes sense in the hardest year of your life and you know it will break his heart almost more than yours, but doing it anyway because that's what the spirit said to do. It's getting back together 3 days later, having zero idea if it will work out in the end or if it will just prolong heartbreak, but knowing you have to give it everything you have to give. It's continuing to drive from Provo to Draper and back everyday for 8 months with the hope that it will be worth it even though you still get sick so much. It's telling your boyfriend that he should transfer to BYU-Idaho even if that means leaving you behind because you're supposed to stay at BYU Provo, but you really, really don't want him to do that either because it will just complicate everything, but doing it anyway because the spirit. It's selling your contract in June and buying a new one for the next year even though you love your ward and apartment and landlord and roommates and it doesn't make any sense at all and you really don't want to, but once again, the spirit. It's deciding to get engaged even if you don't know if you'll get married within the next year or need to be long distance for 8 of those months. It's signing up for classes even though you really don't feel that much better and have no idea how you're going to make it. It's planning on working full-time in the Winter even though you have no idea if you'll be physically capable by then. It's switching supplements and stopping medicine in the hope that it will actually be worth it this time.

And here's a random picture of a very happy couple. 

But, as you've probably figured out, all of these things have fallen into place in just the last month in a way we never could've imagined. A week before we got engaged officially, we decided to get married November 19th and that I would get an internship (hopefully) while Steven goes to school in Rexburg, Idaho for the Winter and Spring semesters and then we'll come back to Provo for my school next fall while he does an internship. Because I sold my contract and bought a new one, I was able to sell that in 3 hours, 2 weeks before move in day and live with my aunt Debbie in Orem to save money and so I wouldn't need to pay rent for a month that I won't actually be there. Steven was sad that he wasn't able to renew his contract at his apartment in Provo with all his friends, but it ended up being a huge blessing of saving money while living with his parents in Orem. At this rate, I'll actually have a really healthy, successful semester and hopefully actually be ready for a full-time job in January. We are SO grateful we didn't get engaged in February and married in July. We are both SO grateful for the lessons we each learned in those 3 days of being broken up. I am so grateful for every single one of those promptings I followed and for how everything has played out and I'm just in awe at the blessing of my Heavenly Father. I'm in awe at the power of personal revelation and the gift that that is. I'm in awe at the peace that has been given each of us in really hard, unsure times that gave us the strength and patience to continue into the unknown. It's always worth it. ALWAYS. And I'm grateful always for my Savior, for my trials and for everything I've learned in these past few years. They are priceless and so very precious to me. There are still a lot of unknowns, but I don't even care because I know that everything will all work out. And even in the times where things aren't working out, there is joy in the journey.

-Mary

SUMMER!

Okay, I feel like time is flying by way too fast! Is summer already half way over?! Did I really write my previous post over 3 months ago?! I guess it could be a good thing, maybe. So, this past week, I hit my two years mark of being home and reading what I posted about it two years ago was pretty sobering and caused a lot of reflection.

As you already saw, I'M HOME! I'm not a missionary anymore! This is weird! I had the longest day of my life yesterday flying home. Literally 36 hours... with like 4 hours of airplane sleep, patay! But it's so good to be home! I'm really looking forward to reconnecting with you and getting caught up on all your life changes! (or just stalking you on Facebook...haha) In case you didn't know, I had the most amazing mission ever. THE CRAZIEST. but the best:) Wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm excited to go to the doctor, get better and see what other crazy adventures the Lord has in store for me.

P.s. I'm staying in Texas until the end of August and I'll head up to Provo again for school! SO stoaked.

p.p.s Isn't it scary how much I look EXACTLY like my mom? It's a sister pike thing...

Love, Mary --> I still can't believe that's actually my name... haha


So, it's pretty crazy to me that one of the most exciting things was to go to a doctor and get better and I feel like that's something I'm still doing! Which is crazy. But it's also important to remember how far I really have come. When I got home, I was in bed ALL day every day except for when my mom was dragging me to various doctor appointments. Going up the stairs left me out of breathe and ready to take a nap. I was still eating gluten. I still couldn't really see much out of my right eye. I didn't really want to do anything except read. Even when we went to a reunion, I was super tired and didn't participate much. 

Fast forward two years: I still sleep a lot but it's probably only like 10 hours! I almost never take naps (except Sundays when I need to wake up early for church). I still drive to Draper 4 days a week for acupuncture and I'm still loving it. I love to go on long walks and sometimes I go to Seven Peaks by myself to get some exercise walking in the lazy river or treading water in the wave pool. I still read a lot. I can eat a lot more variety of food. Still no gluten, sometimes dairy (but usually with a pill). I still try to eat a lot of cooked vegetables, but I've been enjoying the fruits of summer too. 

I huge change I saw this week is one of the reasons I haven't been able to do school for the past few semesters (besides a writing class) is because one of my symptoms was brain fog. I couldn't just sit down and concentrate so when I'm expected to do engineering classes where the homework is to sit down and concentrate for a few hours, it was just too much to handle. BUT last week a friend reached out and asked if I would be willing to tutor a guy who was in Calculus 2 this term and was desperate for help and would pay well. My first thought was, "NO WAY!!! I haven't taken that class in over 5 years! And it was the worst! And I haven't done a class with math in almost 2 years!" And my friend said that's what everyone said and that was way he was having such a hard time. Finally, I decided to give it a try and if I wasn't helpful at all, he could just find someone else. In preparation, I watched a YouTube video on the unit they were doing so I could be refreshed and maybe could actually help. Guess what?? It worked! I was helpful and I could explain stuff and I could do trig and integrals and derivatives, and for being math and everyone's least favorite of all the math classes, I loved it. It came back fairly quickly and it felt so great. So, it's not much, only a few hours for a few days a week, but this feels like a major stepping stone and I'll take it. Also, every time I do math/engineering for the first time in a long time and leave super happy, I'm reminded that I totally chose the right major. 

So, a lot of people ask me what my plans for Fall are and it's really the same as previous semesters- I usually have no idea how capable I will be until literally the day before or even the week of so I always sign up for a full schedule and as it gets closer and I drop according to my abilities. So, I have a full schedule "planned" but really I'll be VERY happy if I get to take my 1pm Bio 100 class (my last general) and maybe, if I'm lucky, one engineering class. i should be able to handle that, right? Only time will really tell.

The #1 problem I see with school right now is I have a pretty good schedule going for me right now that helps me feel okay, but it's really time consuming. Fully cooked healthy meals? Lots of sleep? Walking for a few miles every day? And most importantly, acupuncture in Draper almost every day? But my plan is to maybe see if I can drop acupuncture to only Tuesday and Thursday then focus on class MWF, but we'll see.

So these past few months have been interesting... especially April. So, last time I wrote, I said I could tell I was becoming lactose intolerant because every time I ate dairy, immediately after, I felt sick to my stomach. I have frequently had the symptoms of nausea and stomach discomfort, but never as a direct correlation to things I ate. So, I stopped dairy, but soon the stomachaches continued...and it seemed like nothing was safe! Even the vegetables I used to saute for breakfast that I knew were super good for me began to have an effect. So, I started to write down what I was eating to see if there was a correlation, but the list kept getting longer and longer and I just felt completely overwhelmed. It came to a point I was afraid to eat anything because I was so sick of being sick and terrified that I would perpetuate it. It was so stressful and scary. And I was super frustrated because I had changed my diet SO many times and I was being super diligent in choosing the food that would be helpful to me and it seemed like it was all for nothing and it seemed it was not enough. Then by some miracle, I got an appointment for my naturalist that I used to go to, and even though she didn't have all the answers for me, she did have answers for this. And the answer was, my parasites( or even perhaps a candida yeast infection) had returned and basically ruined my digestive system. I have developed a condition called "leaky gut" which is where your body can't break down your food to get the nutrients so it was like my body was intolerant to EVERYTHING. So, this led me to a lot of research. There are different things you can try, #1 get back on supplements to get rid of the parasites, again. #2 go on a specific diet which was cooked vegetables and things easily digested, which I've already been doing! So that was good, and gave me more confidence that my acupuncturist knew what she was doing. #3 Stomach enzymes! To help your digestive system out until it is healed and you can do it on it's own. And I looked up a specific protocol that had me (#4) taking generous doses of the powdered supplement L-Glutamine. There was also a specific diet called GAPS, but it was SUPER long term and really difficult to maintain so I decided to try out the simpler plan first. Also, I was told to go on a 3 day bone broth fast, but honestly, I just felt I didn't get all the nutrients I needed to function so I still had bone broth! But other food with it. And it worked!!! (here's the Link to the protocol) I was diligent for a month and I was so relieved. Being able to eat food is the best.

Soon after this, even though I was feeling way better, I decided to I needed to be extra thorough and I wanted to be sure it was actually parasites because I've heard of that being a misdiagnosis for Candida yeast. I looked into getting the stool test to be extra sure, but I contacted my Dr. in Texas that had helped me with this before and I asked if I could get the test! He said it would be easier if he sent me some pills that would get rid of both and would do no harm if I didn't. Sounds great, right? Well, it worked for a week, but then I got REALLY sick which I was informed was caused by killing off too quickly. So I stopped for a few days, then resumed on half dose. And everything has been fine and dandy since. Well, mostly. 

A few weeks ago when my stomach issues were finally being resolved, my fatigue came back. Ugh! But, the good news is it had gone away for a significant amount of time so I believe it can happen again! Also, while taking to my sister about all these various sicknesses, she asked, "Which do you prefer, stomach problems or fatigue?" And I literally went back and forth for about 5 minutes until my indecision answered itself: neither. But the good thing about this fatigue I guess is it still mostly doesn't cause naps or inhibit my day and life is still really good, filled with fun things and great people. My summer thus far has mostly been sticking to my routine and being diligent in the things that help me feel better even if I really, really don't feel like it, but it's always worth it!

I would just like to end this with my testimony. Heavenly Father reminded me this week that I haven't shared my testimony in a long time! I was planning on sharing today in fast and testimony meeting, but alas, I was too sick this morning to make it so I figured this was the next best thing. When I ended my mission two years ago, I would've told you the biggest lesson I learned was relying on the Atonement to receive strength to complete my mission and make it through some really hard times. As I've been reflecting on these past two years, I definitely still have a very strong testimony of the Atonement and of my Savior and all he has helped me through, but the biggest thing for me has been the power of revelation and the spirit.

-Mary

Spring 2016

I have sat down to write this at least 4 times, but it's been hard! Not to say that nothing has happened...because we all know my life is far too crazy for that. As a recap, I've been sick 17 months. I had to triple check that number cause I could hardly believe it! Has it already been that long?! Sometimes, it's really discouraging and I feel like my life is stuck on pause and no matter what I do, no matter how much I change my diet, how many needles I'm poked with, and how many pills I take, it's not changing. But sometimes, most of the time, the only way I make it through, is to pay attention.  Pay attention to the improvements, but also to pay attention to the blessings. They're there. And there is improvement too. There are changes, it just happens so gradually it's hard to tell and did you know that humans are literally programmed to forget pain? We look at hard experiences and think, "It wasn't that hard, was it? It wasn't that bad...I could do it again." It's probably good that we do because it keeps us moving forward and doing hard, painful, but meaningful things in our lives that make us better.

I learned this concept while doing my most recent treatment: acupuncture. I'll start with synopsis of what lead me to this: from May to December 2015 I was seeing a naturalist in Provo and I wanted so badly for it to work! I did everything she asked, did multiple rounds of IV treatment and I felt I was getting better-ish...but something was stopping me from going the whole way and I had no idea what it was and neither did they. It was frustrating because they have helped SO MANY people who were in my very same shoes- chronic illnesses that couldn't really be treated by western medicine- and I learned so much and learned all the things that were plaguing me from mold to parasites to low functioning thyroid to vitamin B12 deficiency and there would be periods that I felt better, that I caught a glimpse of what it felt like to be better! Then I would crash and be sick some more. I do believe that it helped me closer, but was just missing something and sadly, it was time to move on. My sister mentioned something about trying acupuncture and I remembered talking to a sister from my mission who was really helped by it so I decided to look into because what do I have to lose?

I got in touch with this sister who led me to an acupuncture clinic in Draper. For my first appointment, I filled out extensive paperwork on how I was feeling in every part of my body in the past month or so and how much it bugged me on a scale of 1 to 10. She went over everything with me and then gave me a plan- come do acupuncture 4 times a week in Draper (that was surprisingly affordable), don't sweat, drink herbal tea with essentially every meal, cook EVERYTHING, practice mindful eating (just sit and eat, don't multitask), smell your food, eat well and in variety and preferably in season. This really doesn't sound like much, but if you consider my life, it was hard. Don't sweat aka never play sports? "That like telling a fish it can't be in water for a few months!" Yes, Mary is to sports like fish is to water. It's been rough. Next: telling someone who eats salads and fruit protein shakes as their main go to food to not eat raw food is asking a lot. But I did it! And I've been doing it for 4 months, if you can believe. Now the main question: is it working?

After one month of driving to Draper 4-5 times a week, I was getting really tired.  Well, I was already tired and I couldn't really see how this was helping. She said I would definitely notice if it was making a difference or not within a month and as far as I could tell, it really wasn't and it wasn't worth my time. I was just so exhausted and so tired of being exhausted! But, at my month mark, I filled out my symptom sheet again and looking back at my answers, I had forgotten how many more symptoms I had had! I used to get headaches? When did that stop? I totally forgot that my right eye would randomly tear for months on end and it was really obnoxious. I didn't even notice it go away! The list went on- random chest pains and other joint pain had subsided, my stomach pain was definitely on the decline. I used to have trouble falling asleep? Was that only a month ago? The list went on! I was shocked at the progress I was making before my very eyes that I didn't even notice. So I continued.

February was a super hard month for me, I discovered what depression and anxiety really are and what they can do. After the most stressful week of my life, I felt it settle in like it was there to stay. All of a sudden my stomach was in constant knots, I had trouble sleeping, I was more tired than every, I felt like every relationship I had was forced. I would ask myself, "why am I not as happy with this person as I used to be?" At first I thought it was just that person that was the problem, but then I realized it was with everyone! I was doing things because I knew I should, not because I actually wanted to be with them. I was screening everyone's calls, even my families. I was experiencing random pains everywhere which made me withdraw from everyone even more. My roommates just assumed it was because I was feeling more sick than usual because I was! Guys, Depression hurts. In very real physical ways. I just didn't feel like myself. I felt more pessimistic and when I would think, this isn't who I am, where is my hope and natural optimism? I would try and it just wouldn't come. It was so weird and I didn't talk to anyone as I tried to figure it out. Then one morning as I was preparing to go to the temple, I just felt so overwhelmed with pain that I didn't think I would make it so I knelt down right there in kitchen and prayed for help in figuring it out. Prayed to find a way to overcome this pain that was making everything so much harder. Almost instantly, the thought popped into my head, "this is what anxiety feels like!" I was shocked! After years of doctors saying, "It's just stress, you're depressed, etc." it actually all made sense! I could see how my symptoms might make it seem I had depression and anxiety, but I also knew that this only started this week. This was different. But it was just as real and uncomfortable and I had to do something about it.

I went to the temple and pondered what I needed to do. Who would I tell? What would I do? I decided to go home and figure out if there was anything I could do before getting professional help. I googled the symptoms for depression and everything fit. And then I looked and things to do to help prevent it and it all became clear! You know how I said playing sports was my life? Every semester of college I have taken 1, if not 2 sports classes on top of playing regularly with a group of friends because I always knew I needed it as a stress reliever. Even when the semester got busy, I knew I HAD to go to class so I always had these built-in ways to handle anything the semester could throw at me. And what had I been doing for the past month? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Of course it makes sense that I can't handle my stress, I took away my fail-proof stress reliever! You know what else it said? To go outside! Well, sleeping in, driving to treatments than staying in your house all day definitely don't get you the Vitamin D you need so that made sense too! And eating leafy greens, you know how I said I couldn't have salads anymore cause I had to cook everything? Of course that sudden change in diet was going to affect me. It was then I realized that I didn't have clinical depression, I didn't need medicine or to see a counselor, all I really needed to do was to do the things that I had been neglecting for the past few months. Immediately, I went outside and went on a walk/jog while listening to upbeat music and enjoyed the fresh air. Then I grabbed my waveboard (ripstick) and went for a ride. Before I knew it, I had all the windows and doors open and I was cleaning/organizing the whole apartment. I even took a broom handle and chiseled away the ice rink at the foot of our stairs. I was unstoppable and didn't even notice that I was sick. Before I knew it, I was feeling completely and totally back to myself and it felt awesome. It's amazing what seeming small things can do for your health. Other suggestions included: go do things you enjoy and have a good talk with a loved one and I already had a weekend in California with my boyfriend planned and a 3 week trip to visit my sisters in Northern Virginia immediately after which was exactly what I needed.

Even though this experience only lasted a week, I'm so grateful for the things I learned. #1 To learn the things I needed to regularly do in my life to avoid this reoccurring. #2 To know for a fact that all the sickness I have been experiencing has not been related to stress or anxiety and #3 To get a very small glimpse of what my friends and family struggling with anxiety and depression are dealing with. It's real. You can't just decide to be happy. It rules your life and it's the worst.

Then I went to California with Steven! (we stink at pictures). And then I went to Virginia for three weeks! Which mostly included sleeping, watching my adorable nephew, James, visiting NYC for the weekend, a few day trips to DC with my sisters, watching movies with Jennifer, spending weekends with Julie and occasionally hanging out with my BFF Josie. It was a great time! But I was gone from my acupuncture treatments for a month and I was definitely starting to notice. It was getting harder to fall asleep, more headaches came that I couldn't really trace back to anything in particular, more stomach pains, and although it was a great vacation, I was ready to go back and get going on my treatments again.

I'm back in Provo! And it's been one month. So have the acupuncture treatments helped again? Well...that's difficult to say, probably because I haven't analyzed it fully but mostly because right when I got home, I had a bad stomach virus that put me out for 4 days then I discovered that I am becoming lactose intolerant so I get really bad stomach aches almost instantly and now I've had a really bad cold for the past week. In reality, I could be getting better, but all these other sicknesses are making it hard to notice, which in the past I've noticed is not always a bad thing. I'm really sad that I can no longer drink milk because now my diet is even more difficult, but I'm still experimenting the extent of my intolerance. So far, I've just noticed with milk, raw and cooked and but have not noticed ice cream, cheese, sour cream or yogurt so there is still hope.

In case you didn't notice, I decided not to do school this semester which, as always, I'm EXTREMELY grateful for the spirit and it's guidance in helping me decide what to do with my very uncertain future. I was going to try to finish my independent study biology class, but I've discovered that my ability to memorize is basically down the tube when I feel so sick and tired all the time and driving to Draper 4 times a week for acupuncture treatments is at least a part-time job. I still sleep like a pro and read lots of books and watch Netflix when it hurts to think. I still feel like a stay-at-home-mom with no children as I try to keep our apartment clean for my roommates whom I see less and less. And dating someone has a way of filling up my evenings and making the most boring days worthwhile.

There are still days that I have an emotional breakdown and I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stuck in the bondage of chronic illness, but those are one in a hundred. Those other 99 days are spent being incredibly grateful for all I have been given. When I got off my mission and people would ask me about my plans, I always pictured me with my nose to the grindstone flipping between difficult, full semesters and summer internships week here or there to see family. I think of all the things I wouldn't have done, all the things that wouldn't have been written, read, all the people I wouldn't have met, it's incredible. The things I gained outweigh the things I lost any day. Isn't that crazy? Who'd of thought? I'm always grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows better than I do and loves me enough to help me through hard things and helps me see the better way. In a recent blessing, I was promised that I won't be sick forever and that more answers and healing would be coming. I may have a lot more waiting to do before I can move on with "my life", but I know that His promises are real and it will be worth the wait.

Sister Neill F. Marriott's talk in General Conference hit me really hard, like it was meant just for me. She said:

"Following His plan and becoming a builder of the kingdom require selfless sacrifice. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: 'All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently....purifies our hearts...and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through toil and tribulation, that we gain the education...which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.' These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation."

Sometimes, I feel broken and just so sick that I can't possibly do anything good for anyone else, but I know that I am continually being brought closer to Christ who will heal me and make me useful in the work. Sometimes, I talk to some of you who read this and actually like it and I'd like to think that maybe he already is making me useful in a situation I never could've imagined. We all go through really hard things. Some of them make sense, like an obvious means to an end, but others seem to just be getting in the way of all things good. I know that every hard thing we experience is giving us an education that is more important than we can even fathom. I know that Christ heals and I need that healing everyday, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He lives. Hallelujah.

-Mary