I learned this concept while doing my most recent treatment: acupuncture. I'll start with synopsis of what lead me to this: from May to December 2015 I was seeing a naturalist in Provo and I wanted so badly for it to work! I did everything she asked, did multiple rounds of IV treatment and I felt I was getting better-ish...but something was stopping me from going the whole way and I had no idea what it was and neither did they. It was frustrating because they have helped SO MANY people who were in my very same shoes- chronic illnesses that couldn't really be treated by western medicine- and I learned so much and learned all the things that were plaguing me from mold to parasites to low functioning thyroid to vitamin B12 deficiency and there would be periods that I felt better, that I caught a glimpse of what it felt like to be better! Then I would crash and be sick some more. I do believe that it helped me closer, but was just missing something and sadly, it was time to move on. My sister mentioned something about trying acupuncture and I remembered talking to a sister from my mission who was really helped by it so I decided to look into because what do I have to lose?
I got in touch with this sister who led me to an acupuncture clinic in Draper. For my first appointment, I filled out extensive paperwork on how I was feeling in every part of my body in the past month or so and how much it bugged me on a scale of 1 to 10. She went over everything with me and then gave me a plan- come do acupuncture 4 times a week in Draper (that was surprisingly affordable), don't sweat, drink herbal tea with essentially every meal, cook EVERYTHING, practice mindful eating (just sit and eat, don't multitask), smell your food, eat well and in variety and preferably in season. This really doesn't sound like much, but if you consider my life, it was hard. Don't sweat aka never play sports? "That like telling a fish it can't be in water for a few months!" Yes, Mary is to sports like fish is to water. It's been rough. Next: telling someone who eats salads and fruit protein shakes as their main go to food to not eat raw food is asking a lot. But I did it! And I've been doing it for 4 months, if you can believe. Now the main question: is it working?
After one month of driving to Draper 4-5 times a week, I was getting really tired. Well, I was already tired and I couldn't really see how this was helping. She said I would definitely notice if it was making a difference or not within a month and as far as I could tell, it really wasn't and it wasn't worth my time. I was just so exhausted and so tired of being exhausted! But, at my month mark, I filled out my symptom sheet again and looking back at my answers, I had forgotten how many more symptoms I had had! I used to get headaches? When did that stop? I totally forgot that my right eye would randomly tear for months on end and it was really obnoxious. I didn't even notice it go away! The list went on- random chest pains and other joint pain had subsided, my stomach pain was definitely on the decline. I used to have trouble falling asleep? Was that only a month ago? The list went on! I was shocked at the progress I was making before my very eyes that I didn't even notice. So I continued.
February was a super hard month for me, I discovered what depression and anxiety really are and what they can do. After the most stressful week of my life, I felt it settle in like it was there to stay. All of a sudden my stomach was in constant knots, I had trouble sleeping, I was more tired than every, I felt like every relationship I had was forced. I would ask myself, "why am I not as happy with this person as I used to be?" At first I thought it was just that person that was the problem, but then I realized it was with everyone! I was doing things because I knew I should, not because I actually wanted to be with them. I was screening everyone's calls, even my families. I was experiencing random pains everywhere which made me withdraw from everyone even more. My roommates just assumed it was because I was feeling more sick than usual because I was! Guys, Depression hurts. In very real physical ways. I just didn't feel like myself. I felt more pessimistic and when I would think, this isn't who I am, where is my hope and natural optimism? I would try and it just wouldn't come. It was so weird and I didn't talk to anyone as I tried to figure it out. Then one morning as I was preparing to go to the temple, I just felt so overwhelmed with pain that I didn't think I would make it so I knelt down right there in kitchen and prayed for help in figuring it out. Prayed to find a way to overcome this pain that was making everything so much harder. Almost instantly, the thought popped into my head, "this is what anxiety feels like!" I was shocked! After years of doctors saying, "It's just stress, you're depressed, etc." it actually all made sense! I could see how my symptoms might make it seem I had depression and anxiety, but I also knew that this only started this week. This was different. But it was just as real and uncomfortable and I had to do something about it.
I went to the temple and pondered what I needed to do. Who would I tell? What would I do? I decided to go home and figure out if there was anything I could do before getting professional help. I googled the symptoms for depression and everything fit. And then I looked and things to do to help prevent it and it all became clear! You know how I said playing sports was my life? Every semester of college I have taken 1, if not 2 sports classes on top of playing regularly with a group of friends because I always knew I needed it as a stress reliever. Even when the semester got busy, I knew I HAD to go to class so I always had these built-in ways to handle anything the semester could throw at me. And what had I been doing for the past month? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Of course it makes sense that I can't handle my stress, I took away my fail-proof stress reliever! You know what else it said? To go outside! Well, sleeping in, driving to treatments than staying in your house all day definitely don't get you the Vitamin D you need so that made sense too! And eating leafy greens, you know how I said I couldn't have salads anymore cause I had to cook everything? Of course that sudden change in diet was going to affect me. It was then I realized that I didn't have clinical depression, I didn't need medicine or to see a counselor, all I really needed to do was to do the things that I had been neglecting for the past few months. Immediately, I went outside and went on a walk/jog while listening to upbeat music and enjoyed the fresh air. Then I grabbed my waveboard (ripstick) and went for a ride. Before I knew it, I had all the windows and doors open and I was cleaning/organizing the whole apartment. I even took a broom handle and chiseled away the ice rink at the foot of our stairs. I was unstoppable and didn't even notice that I was sick. Before I knew it, I was feeling completely and totally back to myself and it felt awesome. It's amazing what seeming small things can do for your health. Other suggestions included: go do things you enjoy and have a good talk with a loved one and I already had a weekend in California with my boyfriend planned and a 3 week trip to visit my sisters in Northern Virginia immediately after which was exactly what I needed.
Even though this experience only lasted a week, I'm so grateful for the things I learned. #1 To learn the things I needed to regularly do in my life to avoid this reoccurring. #2 To know for a fact that all the sickness I have been experiencing has not been related to stress or anxiety and #3 To get a very small glimpse of what my friends and family struggling with anxiety and depression are dealing with. It's real. You can't just decide to be happy. It rules your life and it's the worst.
Then I went to California with Steven! (we stink at pictures). And then I went to Virginia for three weeks! Which mostly included sleeping, watching my adorable nephew, James, visiting NYC for the weekend, a few day trips to DC with my sisters, watching movies with Jennifer, spending weekends with Julie and occasionally hanging out with my BFF Josie. It was a great time! But I was gone from my acupuncture treatments for a month and I was definitely starting to notice. It was getting harder to fall asleep, more headaches came that I couldn't really trace back to anything in particular, more stomach pains, and although it was a great vacation, I was ready to go back and get going on my treatments again.
I'm back in Provo! And it's been one month. So have the acupuncture treatments helped again? Well...that's difficult to say, probably because I haven't analyzed it fully but mostly because right when I got home, I had a bad stomach virus that put me out for 4 days then I discovered that I am becoming lactose intolerant so I get really bad stomach aches almost instantly and now I've had a really bad cold for the past week. In reality, I could be getting better, but all these other sicknesses are making it hard to notice, which in the past I've noticed is not always a bad thing. I'm really sad that I can no longer drink milk because now my diet is even more difficult, but I'm still experimenting the extent of my intolerance. So far, I've just noticed with milk, raw and cooked and but have not noticed ice cream, cheese, sour cream or yogurt so there is still hope.
In case you didn't notice, I decided not to do school this semester which, as always, I'm EXTREMELY grateful for the spirit and it's guidance in helping me decide what to do with my very uncertain future. I was going to try to finish my independent study biology class, but I've discovered that my ability to memorize is basically down the tube when I feel so sick and tired all the time and driving to Draper 4 times a week for acupuncture treatments is at least a part-time job. I still sleep like a pro and read lots of books and watch Netflix when it hurts to think. I still feel like a stay-at-home-mom with no children as I try to keep our apartment clean for my roommates whom I see less and less. And dating someone has a way of filling up my evenings and making the most boring days worthwhile.
There are still days that I have an emotional breakdown and I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stuck in the bondage of chronic illness, but those are one in a hundred. Those other 99 days are spent being incredibly grateful for all I have been given. When I got off my mission and people would ask me about my plans, I always pictured me with my nose to the grindstone flipping between difficult, full semesters and summer internships week here or there to see family. I think of all the things I wouldn't have done, all the things that wouldn't have been written, read, all the people I wouldn't have met, it's incredible. The things I gained outweigh the things I lost any day. Isn't that crazy? Who'd of thought? I'm always grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows better than I do and loves me enough to help me through hard things and helps me see the better way. In a recent blessing, I was promised that I won't be sick forever and that more answers and healing would be coming. I may have a lot more waiting to do before I can move on with "my life", but I know that His promises are real and it will be worth the wait.
Sister Neill F. Marriott's talk in General Conference hit me really hard, like it was meant just for me. She said:
"Following His plan and becoming a builder of the kingdom require selfless sacrifice. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: 'All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently....purifies our hearts...and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through toil and tribulation, that we gain the education...which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.' These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation."
Sometimes, I feel broken and just so sick that I can't possibly do anything good for anyone else, but I know that I am continually being brought closer to Christ who will heal me and make me useful in the work. Sometimes, I talk to some of you who read this and actually like it and I'd like to think that maybe he already is making me useful in a situation I never could've imagined. We all go through really hard things. Some of them make sense, like an obvious means to an end, but others seem to just be getting in the way of all things good. I know that every hard thing we experience is giving us an education that is more important than we can even fathom. I know that Christ heals and I need that healing everyday, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He lives. Hallelujah.
-Mary
