Hey. So... I should've written this a LONG time ago. Why didn't I? Mostly cause life has been crazy. But also because I'm afraid that by writing it out I'll somehow jinx the universe, but mostly because I know what it's like to see someone in the same hard boat as you and then move on with you just still stuck. It's the worst. In fact, last April I felt the same thing. It was BYU graduation and my news feeds were plastered with happy faces of BYU graduates. Where was I? Not graduating. Not only not graduating, but not even in the same state and not even sure when graduating would become a possibility. It was so hard. Sure I was happy for my friends. I knew they had been working hard and anticipating this day for forever, but it was still hard. If you're in that boat, still waiting patiently for blessings to come, just know that I know what you're going through and I am thinking of you.
But, that being said I wanted to give an update of my life and overall journey of health. Last time I wrote, I was working full-time in Idaho Falls as a Civil Engineering intern. Health was definitely still a struggle, but it was something I kinda just accepted would be there for the rest of my life. My new normal. That was hard to accept. BUT I got to return to school time in Fall and it was AMAZING!!! Well, I was absolutely terrified at first. I kid you not, I spent the entire first day crying (I didn't have any classes) and having a panic attack that I would push myself too hard, relapse and need to drop out of school. January 2015 came looming in my memory, you know, the time I got diagnosed with Lyme struggled for a month to do school than completely dropped out. It was not a great semester for me, as you can imagine. It was the epitome of pushing myself too hard and running my health into the ground and I was just so so so so so so afraid that I was willingly signing up for a repeat. I was also even more nervous because it was my first semester of Senior year meaning ALL upper level engineering classes and a job, which I have never successfully done before either.
But guess what? It was nothing like that semester, in fact it was nothing like any semester I had ever had before. I soon found that I was not only surviving, I was thriving. I was easily staying ahead and on top of all of my classes. It was truly a miracle. What's more, I thought that by having such large gaps in my education, I would have a disadvantage compared to my classmates. Did I ever feel behind or disadvantaged? Nope. In fact, I felt quite the opposite. I felt like I had a superpower that was fueling me. Gratitude. Excitement. Passion. Most students entering their senior year are a mix of burned out and apathetic. "Senioritis" is what's it's commonly called. Many people would ask me if I was excited to graduate soon, but I'm thinking, I'm just getting started! And I was just so so so so grateful that I could be there and so so so so grateful that I could work hard and do my very best. I wasn't even bothered by the 9-13 hour days spent on campus. Each day, I came home exhausted, but so so so so happy that I could finally do the things that I loved. That I had been waiting for. Finally able to fully engage in school and truly live up to my potential.
Winter has been a little different. The flashbacks of January 2015 hit once again, worried that I spread myself too thin but also worried that something would stand in the way of me and my graduation again. Anxiety from the cold. But after surviving the GRE, first round of midterms, lining up a job as a Structural Engineer post-graduation, passing the FE, and applying for graduation, I realize that once again, I'm not just scraping by. I am doing amazing things not in spite of but BECAUSE of everything I went through. Isn't that amazing?
Isn't amazing that by having our lives fall apart, they can be rebuilt on a stronger foundation? That's the main reason I've felt strongly that I need to write this. I am a witness that God makes beautiful people out of hard circumstances. Bad things happen to good people because it makes them stronger and more prepared for the marvelous blessings ahead. But I also know that miracles don't happen to everyone. Not even all the faithful. Healing doesn't occur in the way we expect, hope for and pray for. It may take months, years or even a lifetime. But it will come. And meanwhile, there are miracles all around. Maybe not the miracles you want, but the miracles you need. You have the tools you need to make it through and be happy.
And what about my new normal? The fire is definitely getting bigger! (see last blog for analogy). I still need to be mindful of my health. I still get 8 hours of sleep every night (and I will forever because it's the best!). I still drink herbal tea and use essential oils and foot-zoning and emotion coding and most of all I still am very vigilant of stress because I really think that is where all sickness begins. But, I can eat gluten, sugar and dairy without feeling sick (say WHAT?! If you want to know more, message me, but you need to be very open minded) but I also know enough about health that I will continue to eat as healthy as possible. But guess what? In the past 6 months, I've only missed a handful of half days due to seasonal sicknesses! And I'm pretty sure I have never had to cancel any plans because of sickness. THIS IS HUGE. I only occasionally take naps on Sunday. Seriously, I feel like a new person. I'm not scared of not having food available to eat anymore. I'm not scared of getting sick anymore. Armed with the tools I learned from so many different sources and people, I still feel so empowered and grateful for everything I have learned. Steven has also been helped by my knowledge (he used to be intolerant to corn, potatoes, and dairy) but now we are so happy to actually be able to eat the same meal:). Being healthy can get expensive, but it is really worth it and I'm so grateful we started off our married life being able to put our health first.
I'm kinda worried that this is just a rant about how awesome my life is, but I just really want to emphasize that whether these things had happened or not, whether I was healed or not, life would still be wonderfully marvelous because I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows what I'm going through and cares about me as an individual. I have a Savior who suffered and died for me and continues to help me through stressful times and uncertain futures. I have a personal relationship with each of them and am able to receive power daily through following their counsel, reading the scriptures and staying true to my covenants. Hardships come to everyone in every shape and size. What worked for me may not work for you, but Heavenly Father has a personal, individual plan for you that is more wonderful than you could possibly imagine. Hang in there.
-Mary
