Spring 2016

I have sat down to write this at least 4 times, but it's been hard! Not to say that nothing has happened...because we all know my life is far too crazy for that. As a recap, I've been sick 17 months. I had to triple check that number cause I could hardly believe it! Has it already been that long?! Sometimes, it's really discouraging and I feel like my life is stuck on pause and no matter what I do, no matter how much I change my diet, how many needles I'm poked with, and how many pills I take, it's not changing. But sometimes, most of the time, the only way I make it through, is to pay attention.  Pay attention to the improvements, but also to pay attention to the blessings. They're there. And there is improvement too. There are changes, it just happens so gradually it's hard to tell and did you know that humans are literally programmed to forget pain? We look at hard experiences and think, "It wasn't that hard, was it? It wasn't that bad...I could do it again." It's probably good that we do because it keeps us moving forward and doing hard, painful, but meaningful things in our lives that make us better.

I learned this concept while doing my most recent treatment: acupuncture. I'll start with synopsis of what lead me to this: from May to December 2015 I was seeing a naturalist in Provo and I wanted so badly for it to work! I did everything she asked, did multiple rounds of IV treatment and I felt I was getting better-ish...but something was stopping me from going the whole way and I had no idea what it was and neither did they. It was frustrating because they have helped SO MANY people who were in my very same shoes- chronic illnesses that couldn't really be treated by western medicine- and I learned so much and learned all the things that were plaguing me from mold to parasites to low functioning thyroid to vitamin B12 deficiency and there would be periods that I felt better, that I caught a glimpse of what it felt like to be better! Then I would crash and be sick some more. I do believe that it helped me closer, but was just missing something and sadly, it was time to move on. My sister mentioned something about trying acupuncture and I remembered talking to a sister from my mission who was really helped by it so I decided to look into because what do I have to lose?

I got in touch with this sister who led me to an acupuncture clinic in Draper. For my first appointment, I filled out extensive paperwork on how I was feeling in every part of my body in the past month or so and how much it bugged me on a scale of 1 to 10. She went over everything with me and then gave me a plan- come do acupuncture 4 times a week in Draper (that was surprisingly affordable), don't sweat, drink herbal tea with essentially every meal, cook EVERYTHING, practice mindful eating (just sit and eat, don't multitask), smell your food, eat well and in variety and preferably in season. This really doesn't sound like much, but if you consider my life, it was hard. Don't sweat aka never play sports? "That like telling a fish it can't be in water for a few months!" Yes, Mary is to sports like fish is to water. It's been rough. Next: telling someone who eats salads and fruit protein shakes as their main go to food to not eat raw food is asking a lot. But I did it! And I've been doing it for 4 months, if you can believe. Now the main question: is it working?

After one month of driving to Draper 4-5 times a week, I was getting really tired.  Well, I was already tired and I couldn't really see how this was helping. She said I would definitely notice if it was making a difference or not within a month and as far as I could tell, it really wasn't and it wasn't worth my time. I was just so exhausted and so tired of being exhausted! But, at my month mark, I filled out my symptom sheet again and looking back at my answers, I had forgotten how many more symptoms I had had! I used to get headaches? When did that stop? I totally forgot that my right eye would randomly tear for months on end and it was really obnoxious. I didn't even notice it go away! The list went on- random chest pains and other joint pain had subsided, my stomach pain was definitely on the decline. I used to have trouble falling asleep? Was that only a month ago? The list went on! I was shocked at the progress I was making before my very eyes that I didn't even notice. So I continued.

February was a super hard month for me, I discovered what depression and anxiety really are and what they can do. After the most stressful week of my life, I felt it settle in like it was there to stay. All of a sudden my stomach was in constant knots, I had trouble sleeping, I was more tired than every, I felt like every relationship I had was forced. I would ask myself, "why am I not as happy with this person as I used to be?" At first I thought it was just that person that was the problem, but then I realized it was with everyone! I was doing things because I knew I should, not because I actually wanted to be with them. I was screening everyone's calls, even my families. I was experiencing random pains everywhere which made me withdraw from everyone even more. My roommates just assumed it was because I was feeling more sick than usual because I was! Guys, Depression hurts. In very real physical ways. I just didn't feel like myself. I felt more pessimistic and when I would think, this isn't who I am, where is my hope and natural optimism? I would try and it just wouldn't come. It was so weird and I didn't talk to anyone as I tried to figure it out. Then one morning as I was preparing to go to the temple, I just felt so overwhelmed with pain that I didn't think I would make it so I knelt down right there in kitchen and prayed for help in figuring it out. Prayed to find a way to overcome this pain that was making everything so much harder. Almost instantly, the thought popped into my head, "this is what anxiety feels like!" I was shocked! After years of doctors saying, "It's just stress, you're depressed, etc." it actually all made sense! I could see how my symptoms might make it seem I had depression and anxiety, but I also knew that this only started this week. This was different. But it was just as real and uncomfortable and I had to do something about it.

I went to the temple and pondered what I needed to do. Who would I tell? What would I do? I decided to go home and figure out if there was anything I could do before getting professional help. I googled the symptoms for depression and everything fit. And then I looked and things to do to help prevent it and it all became clear! You know how I said playing sports was my life? Every semester of college I have taken 1, if not 2 sports classes on top of playing regularly with a group of friends because I always knew I needed it as a stress reliever. Even when the semester got busy, I knew I HAD to go to class so I always had these built-in ways to handle anything the semester could throw at me. And what had I been doing for the past month? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Of course it makes sense that I can't handle my stress, I took away my fail-proof stress reliever! You know what else it said? To go outside! Well, sleeping in, driving to treatments than staying in your house all day definitely don't get you the Vitamin D you need so that made sense too! And eating leafy greens, you know how I said I couldn't have salads anymore cause I had to cook everything? Of course that sudden change in diet was going to affect me. It was then I realized that I didn't have clinical depression, I didn't need medicine or to see a counselor, all I really needed to do was to do the things that I had been neglecting for the past few months. Immediately, I went outside and went on a walk/jog while listening to upbeat music and enjoyed the fresh air. Then I grabbed my waveboard (ripstick) and went for a ride. Before I knew it, I had all the windows and doors open and I was cleaning/organizing the whole apartment. I even took a broom handle and chiseled away the ice rink at the foot of our stairs. I was unstoppable and didn't even notice that I was sick. Before I knew it, I was feeling completely and totally back to myself and it felt awesome. It's amazing what seeming small things can do for your health. Other suggestions included: go do things you enjoy and have a good talk with a loved one and I already had a weekend in California with my boyfriend planned and a 3 week trip to visit my sisters in Northern Virginia immediately after which was exactly what I needed.

Even though this experience only lasted a week, I'm so grateful for the things I learned. #1 To learn the things I needed to regularly do in my life to avoid this reoccurring. #2 To know for a fact that all the sickness I have been experiencing has not been related to stress or anxiety and #3 To get a very small glimpse of what my friends and family struggling with anxiety and depression are dealing with. It's real. You can't just decide to be happy. It rules your life and it's the worst.

Then I went to California with Steven! (we stink at pictures). And then I went to Virginia for three weeks! Which mostly included sleeping, watching my adorable nephew, James, visiting NYC for the weekend, a few day trips to DC with my sisters, watching movies with Jennifer, spending weekends with Julie and occasionally hanging out with my BFF Josie. It was a great time! But I was gone from my acupuncture treatments for a month and I was definitely starting to notice. It was getting harder to fall asleep, more headaches came that I couldn't really trace back to anything in particular, more stomach pains, and although it was a great vacation, I was ready to go back and get going on my treatments again.

I'm back in Provo! And it's been one month. So have the acupuncture treatments helped again? Well...that's difficult to say, probably because I haven't analyzed it fully but mostly because right when I got home, I had a bad stomach virus that put me out for 4 days then I discovered that I am becoming lactose intolerant so I get really bad stomach aches almost instantly and now I've had a really bad cold for the past week. In reality, I could be getting better, but all these other sicknesses are making it hard to notice, which in the past I've noticed is not always a bad thing. I'm really sad that I can no longer drink milk because now my diet is even more difficult, but I'm still experimenting the extent of my intolerance. So far, I've just noticed with milk, raw and cooked and but have not noticed ice cream, cheese, sour cream or yogurt so there is still hope.

In case you didn't notice, I decided not to do school this semester which, as always, I'm EXTREMELY grateful for the spirit and it's guidance in helping me decide what to do with my very uncertain future. I was going to try to finish my independent study biology class, but I've discovered that my ability to memorize is basically down the tube when I feel so sick and tired all the time and driving to Draper 4 times a week for acupuncture treatments is at least a part-time job. I still sleep like a pro and read lots of books and watch Netflix when it hurts to think. I still feel like a stay-at-home-mom with no children as I try to keep our apartment clean for my roommates whom I see less and less. And dating someone has a way of filling up my evenings and making the most boring days worthwhile.

There are still days that I have an emotional breakdown and I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stuck in the bondage of chronic illness, but those are one in a hundred. Those other 99 days are spent being incredibly grateful for all I have been given. When I got off my mission and people would ask me about my plans, I always pictured me with my nose to the grindstone flipping between difficult, full semesters and summer internships week here or there to see family. I think of all the things I wouldn't have done, all the things that wouldn't have been written, read, all the people I wouldn't have met, it's incredible. The things I gained outweigh the things I lost any day. Isn't that crazy? Who'd of thought? I'm always grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows better than I do and loves me enough to help me through hard things and helps me see the better way. In a recent blessing, I was promised that I won't be sick forever and that more answers and healing would be coming. I may have a lot more waiting to do before I can move on with "my life", but I know that His promises are real and it will be worth the wait.

Sister Neill F. Marriott's talk in General Conference hit me really hard, like it was meant just for me. She said:

"Following His plan and becoming a builder of the kingdom require selfless sacrifice. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: 'All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently....purifies our hearts...and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through toil and tribulation, that we gain the education...which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.' These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation."

Sometimes, I feel broken and just so sick that I can't possibly do anything good for anyone else, but I know that I am continually being brought closer to Christ who will heal me and make me useful in the work. Sometimes, I talk to some of you who read this and actually like it and I'd like to think that maybe he already is making me useful in a situation I never could've imagined. We all go through really hard things. Some of them make sense, like an obvious means to an end, but others seem to just be getting in the way of all things good. I know that every hard thing we experience is giving us an education that is more important than we can even fathom. I know that Christ heals and I need that healing everyday, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He lives. Hallelujah.

-Mary

The Parable of the Sick Person

Today, I stumbled upon a metaphor that I wrote about in one of my study journals and decided to share it.

July 2014
"When I was sick and I came home from my mission, the doctors still had no idea what was going on. At one point, my mom thought, "Maybe it's Celiac disease, do you want to try going without gluten?" and I said, "No! I don't want to go without gluten unnecessarily." Then, they did the blood test which tested positive for Celiac, but I hadn't seen a doctor, so no one technically told me I should top eating gluten. I had told some people that was my diagnosis, but it was still so unreal to me that I didn't treat it seriously. I even keep deliberating eating gluten products thinking, "I'm going to eat it while I still can!"

And then one day after I was hurting particularly badly, it hit me. What is wrong with you?! Aren't you sick of being sick?? It's been almost 2 months! Shouldn't you be doing EVERYTHING within your power to get better?? And I realized how stupid I was for "procrastinating the day of my repentance" and knowingly harming myself because I didn't want to give up eating gluten yet. And it struck me today, how many times do we allow sins (the degree varying from bread to soy sauce) or sinful behavior to poison our lives and keep us from progressing and getting better? How many times do we think, "Well no one has told me to change yet so I can continue this harmful behavior"? Is it worth it? No. Do we want to be healed? Are we willing to forsake all sin and allow it to happen? It will be hard at first, breaking habits, being absolutely vigilant, but if we slip and allow sin, as sure as poison it will bring pain and impede our progress to happiness. I could decide to give up on the lifestyle one day(in my case, being gluten-free), but that has no affect on its effect on me. I can't control that. It's just nature! Whether I was aware of it or not, gluten was harming my body. Mormons or not, sin is sin and you cannot avoid its effects on our lives."

I would like to add that it took me two weeks (maybe even a month) for the gluten-free diet to take effect and for me to notice. A few weeks later, I accidentally ate gluten and the difference was never more clear in my life. It knocked me OUT. In fact, I would say that I felt worse those days then I ever did when I was sick, but eating gluten on a regular basis. Weird, right? Sometimes we don't realize how harmful a habit or a sin is until it's been completely been removed from our lives for an extended period of time and then when we're introduced to it again, we are able to see more clearly how harmful it really is. It was only when I realized how incredibly sick it made me that my desire to eat those gluten-filled foods completely vanished. My desires changed and something that was difficult for me became so easy and now, second nature. I know that that is what happens when turn to the Savior and allow Him to heal us by giving up the things holding us back. He changes us and makes what was once impossible, second nature.

Remembering Yolanda

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of one the craziest weeks of my life! As the years pass, it's really easy to get caught up in life and forget the things we've experienced and the lessons we've learned, but today will always be a day for me to remember the hard things we went through, but also the miracles we experienced to help us cope and then become stronger than before. I wrote this account of my experiences in the Manila MTC after our mission was relocated and before I began my next adventure in Cebu mission. At the time, I felt very strongly that I need to write MY story, the whole thing so others could understand and so that I would never forget. Hope you enjoy!

*From Biliran zone

11/18/2013

Hello! I know tons of people are following my story because we made headlines (which I STILL cannot believe) and I do not ever know where to begin. This has been the most incredible experience ever and I am so grateful that I was privileged enough to be a part of the Philippines Tacloban Mission. Right now we are in Manila staying in the temple patron housing-with my ENTIRE mission-regrouping, recovering and having the time of our lives and it is basically a dream come true. Everyone says missions are hard/ amazing and I feel like I got that x1,000,000,000,000,000. With greater trials come greater miracles and I know more than ever that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us. Miracles are very real. The church is true. I will keep this experience as the best and craziest experience of my life.

I guess all I can do is give the story from my point of view.  Starting Tuesday, Our zone leader texts us and says "SUPER TYPHOON! watch out- don't plan on working on Thursday!" Then the next day, "never mind, don't work on Friday!" And in my experiences of typhoons, you stay inside, it rains really hard then nothing happens and you just go back to work. Literally in Catarman there weren't even puddles so we thought, no big deal! We'll just clean and catch up on letters and studying... As it progressed, we received more and more information- stock up on food, recharge your emergency light, get an extra cell phone battery, get rope... and stay in the apartment all day Thursday and Friday just in case it comes early. Thursday was super weird because we just hung out but it felt like it was for no reason because there was no rain or anything. I literally rewaxed our kitchen floor.

Friday (November 8)

We woke up at 4am when our fans turned off. Everyone texted us at 6 to see if we were still okay and just to check in and basically immediately the signal was dropped. It was kinda unnerving knowing that we had no contact with anyone during a typhoon-we've never lost signal before!- but we weren't too worried. Pretty soon we were trying to do our personal study but the wind was SO strong and SO loud. I moved under my desk at one point because my desk faces a window that I was afraid might break at any second and we could not concentrate in the slightest. Basically all our rooms have windows so is SO loud so we decided to make a little safe haven in the one place our windows were guarded by our back porch which is basically our closet. It's technically a room but it's just where our clothes are and is tiny! so we laid out our mattresses, emergency light and turned on our hymns full blast (thanks for the battery operated speakers!) and tried to distract ourselves and I ended up writing a letter which I'm so glad I did because it gives me so much more perspective. And reading the scriptures which always gives me comfort. I was in my holy place. The really strong, loud winds lasted until about noon, we kept needing to check around the house for leaks and set up a few pots and sister Estes' bed (the top bunk) got soaked! but that was the extent of the damage. It was still raining hard but we decided to make our fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and corn feast. Our closest thing to an american meal and I literally made the mashed potatoes with powdered milk. You learn to improvise for sure! It was still delicious! We ate then weekly planned (planned who we would visit and what lessons we would teach) just like normal. That is how incredibly unaware we were. And since it gets dark at about 5:30, we basically just went to bed super early.

Saturday(November 9)

Cell phone service was still cut out and we were kinda concerned, just because we get instructions from our leaders always! So we decided to do our studies as normal and go find the Zone Leaders (who share our area) and ask them what we should do. We left a note on the door and headed out. Our street was totally fine because we live in a nice neighborhood, but as soon as we walked to the main road, we were pretty shocked. trees uprooted, telephone lines completely fallen over. Of course we expected many members houses to be broken because they live in little wooden houses but we didn't expect that. We then realized the power would be out for more than just a few days- a month or two was predicted- but we just expected to be camping for a while. We visited the Elders apartment and found a tree completely blocking their house (the pathway) and the gate was locked. We realized they could totally be stuck inside and no one would know so we started yelling for them then their neighbors said they had already left. One thing that was SO amazing was that everyone was out, cleaning up and building their houses with a smile on their faces. They know how to get up and go to work and are such an amazing example. We decided to go back to our apartment to wait if the zone leaders would come check on us so we just made lunch and studied some more. We decided to try one more time at their apartment and right when we were on the way, we ran into each other. They had no idea what to do and were trying to contact the mission office by finding a land line to no avail. So we just decided to make sure we get home before dark and go to work. So we visited many of the members houses to see how they were doing and the state of their houses. It was pretty sad to see one member's house completely flattened- complete with a couch just sitting in the middle of rubble. But you know what? They were still smiling. They were still legitimately happy and hopeful. and then another one it like collapsed and so they were living in the church. The other one that their house was destroyed literally cleaned the debris and set up a tent to live out of. They have 8 people in their family. Other than that, it was pretty miraculous that other members houses weren't broken because they were in the same area which probably got hit the hardest. We got home before dark, cooked dinner with a flashlight, studied by candlelight and went to bed SUPER early just because we're bored and can't do much else!

Sunday(November 10)

We went to church and it was cool. Taytay Rosales came super early and we asked about his family(who we just baptized) and he said, "we don't have drinking water so they're figuring that out but I said I'm going to church!" He is seriously the coolest most solid person ever. I was really worried about them because they live wayy out in the bukid (forest/mountain) but just their kitchen roof blew off and luckily they evacuated to the school nearby. The talks were super inspiring, we only had just sacrament meeting then MCM which is CRAZY!!!! Missionary Coordination Meeting is for the branch to sign up to work with the missionaries. I kinda thought our Branch President was crazy but i definitely admire his zeal for missionary work that the work must continue. It was here that we heard Tacloban got it worse but we had NO idea how bad. Someone told us 100 had died and we were pretty shocked. Way worse than we expected. Right after we had an emergency meeting which was cool to be a part of. Pres. Ang coordinated to have 4 different motors (motorcycles) go to all the members to record the damage- it was SO organized, I was so proud. We split up the cameras and we went with the Fermin couple and Tay Rosales to the bukid and had quite the adventure. These people were literally grandparents and they were helping US climb up these crazy hills and jumping off walls...they are so legit! And just hilarious. We went back to report to President Ang and went home to make dinner. Every time we went to bed so early and slept so well. Literally our biggest problem was that we had to save our power because knew it would be at least a month before we got power back. We were confident that all other areas were totally fine. Later we heard 1,000 had died in Tacloban and we were even more shocked! We had no idea.

Monday (November 11)

We had a secret hope that we would find a way to email but we just accepted it and literally sent letters to my family saying, hey I'm alive! You hopefully heard from us a little bit before you get this letter cause it might be a month before we communicate. And we weren't super worried because we thought maybe we could go to Tacloban because they probably have power and communication wayy before we do because we're just a little island with a tiny little city(but it's not even big enough to be called that) and Tacloban is the central hub of 3 islands! It's so sad how incredibly ignorant we were. Of course it wasn't our fault! but it's still sad. We left a note for the sisters because we wanted to see them and share stories and we planned to go to Jelo's the restaurant in Naval with a generator and satellite so we hoped to get some news. Luckily we ran into the Sisters (from Cabucgyan and Balaquid (sister Brown and Sister Mier then Sister Robinson and Sister Nunez) walking down the street and we stopped to talk to them. i talked to Sister Robinson and she looked pretty sick. She said, "you don't know do you? We haven't slept in days." What? Why? I've slept like a baby and gotten like 10 hours of sleep a night." "Tacloban is gone. 10,000 people are dead and the count is rising. There are riots, no food and water and they are literally killing each other over every little thing. It's chaos. McDonald's? gone. full cement building swept away. 90 ft tsunami hit and it flooded and is just gone. (which wasn't actually entirely true) We are probably going to pulled out." This was an incredible shock to me. The main city of my mission? swept away and completely obliterated? What about President Andaya and the mission home? The office elders? The San Jose sisters? out of the 10,000 odds are not good. It made me sick. And the thought of our mission ending... so hard. So we made a plan. Gas was running low on the island and their areas were super far away. They didn't have any of their clothes but we decided they would come back and stay in Naval with us until we started to get some answers. They literally hadn't had food in their area and were living off crackers and had already started to ration their food. Their areas were hit SO hard. 50% of members in Balaquid were homeless. And Cabucgayan was hit hard too. And Monday was the first day there was a path cleared to Naval because all the trees blocked everything. There was no food in their areas to begin with- literally they needed to buy everything they need to eat for the week in Naval on Preparation day so now, there is REALLY no food. Literally members were collecting coconuts for meals. We also talked to Elder Burton in Biliran and they got hit pretty hard. They also had no food, no running water in their apartment and had literally split an egg with his companion (he's a big guy) and hadn't showered in days to save the water. So we decided to meet with the Zone Leaders to talk about it because they still were completely in the dark. We waited for a few hours but they still weren't there and the other sisters still had to catch the last ride back to their areas, but they decided they would come back and bring their clothes. Also Elder Burton said they had a member driving to Tacloban to find some things out and the Sisters went to Tacloban because sister Bonagua was sick but they had NO idea what was in store for them. And before that we all went to Prince (the grocery store which was COMPLETELY stocked) and stocked up for weeks. We thought we might be pulled out...but we had no idea where, how or when so we prepared for anything. We bought 20 kg of rice ( to give a reference, Sister Estes and I go through about 3kg for one week.) We did have 6 sisters though but I think we had enough to survive for about 2 weeks. and about 50 pancit cantons(ramen noodle like things that you eat with rice) and tons of snacks. We also had to ration our money with no atms and we had no idea if we would all of a sudden need to travel to escape. We talked to the Zone Leaders and they told everyone to come backtomorrow except for Caibiran who live on the other side of the island and might not have enough gas to make it back so they just stayed.

Tuesday (November 12)

We did not sleep like at all. Our minds were on the other missionaries. On our families and friends worrying who don't know we're alive. We don't know who is dead and what other areas were affected. The fact that Philippines Tacloban Mission is done and we have no idea if we will ever come back. We can literally not communicate with any members because they don't have computers and the only way is through pouch mail (aka you give it to missionaries who take it back to the areas to give it to them)  It was a lot to swallow. and wayy too much to think about. We went to the church to meet the other missionaries. We were supposed to a Zone Training Meeting, but it did not even occur to me that that would continue. We got there a little late and all the elders were already there. We talked to Elder Burton who said President Corbin (Branch President of Biliran) who returned from Tacloban and had talked to President Andaya. He said officially Tacloban mission is closed. All missionaries will be reassigned. People are being pulled out. That was actually a relief because we heard SOMETHING. But still didn't know when. And then we started Zone Training meeting and talked about normal missionary work. I admired their commitment to continue but I just felt they were kinda avoiding the big problem. I think they were literally just in denial and it was just too much to handle all at once. The sisters came in halfway through carrying all their stuff and looked exhausted. We were just happy to see them but we were just worried they wouldn't be able to find a bus and they would be walking back- it would take hours- because gas was running low.  After some talking we decided it would be best for all the sisters to stay in Naval together even though there was just one tiny apartment but we knew in the end that when they came to look for us, we wanted to make it as easy as possible. But we had no idea when that was. And they had had a SUPER hard time because their companions were Filipino and just would not understand the situation. They just thought they were two dumb Americans who were overreacting. Every time they wanted to get food, be safe, come to Naval, they basically refused and just laughed at them. "I felt like I was taking crazy pills!" They constantly had to reflect and think if they were doing the right thing. Which they were! you can't really help the members if you have nothing yourself. We knew (even though they didn't believe it) that people were coming for us and we wanted to make sure we were playing it smart until they made it. It was really hard for them- warning, not all Filipinos are like this, it was just really hard. We heard word there could be another typhoon- not serious at all- but we were extra cautious and stayed inside playing the- lets-pretend-everything-is-okay-so-we-don't-have-an-emotional-breakdown game. But I was super lucky because between Sister Brown, Sister Estes, and Sister Robinson, we were very distracted and cracked jokes, told stories and laughed our heads off. I didn't feel like at all like a missionary but very therapeutic and exactly what we needed. As you can imagine, we became closer than close and I don't know what I would've done without them. The zone leaders said to stay in the apartment and they would come back and check on us. I literally got 1 hour of sleep and just talked all night because when it was quiet, we just wanted to cry.

Wednesday (November 13)

We woke up, got ready and studied, waiting on the zone leaders to come. They were taking forever and we were anxious to get to work helping the members of Naval and we were tempted to go to work and just leave a note but something told me to stay and it was a miracle. They came and we talked about what we were planning on doing for the day- which we NEVER do and the elders told us exactly where they'd be and suggested that we go help the Lugagay family clean up the debris of their collapsed apartment, but to stop by the church to talk to the family first. So we left to go buy brooms. Funny story- We stop by this store and "ayo"- or yell for the store owner to get there- and this really old nanay(lady) sticks her head out the window and she's in a towel. We say we want to buy some things but expect her to finish and we'll just wait. Literally she walks out in a towel, standing on the sidewalk, and takes our money and does business as usual. We're just cracking up so hard! she was literally like 70 years old standing on the street in the city in nothing but a towel like nothing was wrong!- only in the Philippines. We continue to the church and the members say, "Sister pike! There was a man from Salt Lake looking for you!" I was so confused. "For me or for all the missionaries?" "ikaw lang"(just you). What?! I'm on a tiny island in the middle of the Philippines right after a huge typhoon and someone is looking JUST for me? I realized we had just left our apartment with no note and maybe they (they mystery searchers) would go there next. Sister Estes and I decided to walk back but the other 4 sisters didn't need to walk all that way with us and they couldn't go to the house we were planning on because it wasn't their area so they had no idea where it was so they just decided to wait at the church which is another little miracle. We go back to the apartment leaving a note saying when we'll be back in case anyone comes looking and return back to the church to get the sisters. When we get there, we see these guys walking around outside in these official looking orange rescue pants and think, what is going on? This is not normal. and we are so shocked when we walk in and see the 4 sisters sitting in a circle talking to...PRESIDENT ANDAYA! I didn't recognize him in his normal shirt and orange legit rescue pants but we were so relieved. We meet Elder Ardern of the quorum of the seventy and in the area presidency shakes our hands and says, "Sister Pike, we are so relieved to contact you. I have talked to your parents multiple times and it's so good to finally meet you." We sit down and they brief us. "We are so glad to find you, you have been in the prayers of the First presidency, quorum of the twelve, all the brethren, all the missionaries in the world and the entire church. We are so relieved but of course we had the utmost confidence that you would be found safe. Tacloban is basically no longer on the face of the earth so it is necessary for us to close the Philippines Tacloban Mission for the time being until things are more stabilized. But don't worry, we will return. Right now, we are locating all the missionaries in the mission and getting them to Manila where they will be fed, cleaned, taken care of and receive their new assignments to other mission in the Philippines(we were so relieved because we were terrified some would be put in America and we would not be able to handle it). Everyone has been contacted and you are the last group out of the mission." I felt like I was in a movie! Is this really happening? Does the whole world really care about this? We had no idea. Then he pulls out his phone and says, "Can I take your picture? The First presidency of the church wants a picture of all the rescued missionaries." The first presidency?!?! I would have never even guessed it would make the news. We tell them we know exactly where the elders are and we leave! They parked at the end of the street- because they couldn't fit the car in because it was so narrow and there were fallen telephone lines so me and Sister Estes RAN to the members house. 

Can you imagine if we had been at this random members house helping them? Can you imagine if the other sisters had been in their areas (aka the mountains with no real roads or trails? Can you imagine if we hadn't talked  to the Elders earlier that day and known exactly where they were? We go to the members house but they are not there, they went to another member further down but he was asking what was going on. This was the member whose house got completely flattened and it hurt to see the look on his face when we told them we were leaving. Like we were just abandoning them in their greatest time of need. They probably still have no idea how incredibly dangerous and horrible Tacloban so it looked like we were just peacing out after a tiny little thing. Well, it wasn't tiny- it was the worst storm ever but all we had to worry about was the situation of Naval, we could've easily stayed and helped. It broke our hearts. We ran a little further and asked where the elders had gone. So we kept running and were SO tired. We made it to another member's house who had collapsed and we yelled for the Elders. They could only open the front door a crack and through it I said, "President Andaya is here. We're being pulled out and going to Manila. Philippines Tacloban Mission is done." That's a lot to process through a door! They were still in shock- "Naval is fine! We'll just stay here! The members need our help!" But they still didn't fully understand and I didn't have time to explain. " Our rescue team is waiting for you, we need to leave immediately! RUN!" So we ran. Actually they ran and we took a pedicab back (a guy riding a bicycle with a seat attached to the side) because we would not have made it. All the missionaries piled in, it was squished! and we went to our apartments. They dropped off the Elders to pack. Then us. We thought we had more time to pack because we thought they were going all the way to the other sister's areas to get their luggage before coming back but they came back WAY too soon. I had unpacked the stocked fridge so we could give it all the members- that was so nice! Usually it's not allowed for us to give food or money as missionaries to members because they need to get the help from the church a different way but now we had an excuse so with 20 kg of rice and a fridge full of food, I'm sure there were many members extremely grateful. They came back to get us- turns out there was a different rescue team searching for the sisters who would take them to their areas so we needed to go now! Two other sisters grabbed everything I owned and threw it in. by the time we left, the place was an absolute wreck. It looked like we had been robbed and kidnapped. This process was made difficult because of the complete lack of communication but we made it through somehow. 

We made it back to the church. Some members had randomly showed up and were seeing us leave. It was nice to get a few last pictures before we had left. I have yet to have a normal transfer where I actually have enough notice to say goodbye to anyone! Crazy huh? The other 4 sisters and 2 elders went to their areas on the other side of the island with a different rescue team and we piled in to head to the Biliran chapel to wait and regroup. Luckily, District president Gerez was there and offered his truck to help take us to Ormoc (2 hours away) which was such an amazing miracle and blessing because we would not have any room for everyone otherwise. Looking back, the hand of the Lord was so present in every little step, it is impossible to deny. We hopped in and got the LUCKIEST SEATS EVER. In the car with President Andaya and Elder Ardern. On the 30 minute drive, he asked us what we wanted to know and we just said tell us about Tacloban, we still can't believe what happened. So he asked, "Do you mind if I read from my journal my experience?" "OF COURSE NOT!" So he did and we just cried our eyes out. Especially when he mentioned my MTC companion, Sister Schaap, saving the day when they escaped to roof of the San Jose apartment and almost died. I just love them so much and cannot imagine the scarring that will leave on them. And then we waited at the Biliran chapel for the other missionaries to come back with their stuff and just talked to President Andaya and he told us everything that happened to them and showed us the pictures. He is the most humble and amazing man and an incredibly wonderful example of giving his all to the service of the Lord. His house flooded, his whole family was in such danger and yet he was worried about all the other missionaries, everyone they couldn't contact. I talked to Sister Schaap last night and she said rumors are the worst because no matter where you were, no one had contact. So everyone thought everyone else was dead. We all had faith that the Lord could protect us but we also knew that it wasn't impossible for missionaries to die on their missions. She said that everyone said Ormoc and Biliran were gone and it's of course not true! And then watching the news- a lot of their facts are off, I've heard the real stories and I never realized how wrong they could be. Let the facts be known that not a single missionary had a 72 hour kit. But it sure would've helped. We were told to get food and that's the extent of it. We had no idea. Any way, they eventually came and we were on our way to Ormoc and once again in the luckiest place ever. Back in the car with President and Elder Ardern receiving a general conference and advice and every single thing he could think of. It was probably the coolest thing of my life and I learned so much! One thing they were SO good at was not letting us be silent. Keeping our minds occupied so we couldn't think hey, this is so sad. I'm leaving the members, that I have served and grown to love who have become my family, in their greatest need. And not knowing if we're ever going to be able to come back. 

One thing he said that made me laugh, we talked about our siblings serving in the states and he said, "pshh that's not even a mission! Now THIS is a mission!" As we're being rescued and driving through a jungle of twigs from broken trees and houses destroyed. Never ever in a million years thought of this being a possibility but it definintely is a mission to remember! (as if it wasn't crazy enough before haha) Also, He was so funny! President Andaya too! They have a great sense of humor to keep us laughing. Then we arrived in Ormoc chapel. Tons of members were living there because their houses had been destroyed and they fed us dinner of pork and beans and bread and it tasted so good! Through all the hustle of the day, we had not even stopped to eat. They set us up in the chapel to sleep on the pews with the elders with on the floor in the gym. The floor was still wet from the floods and smelled like a funeral home but it was one of the only chapels in the whole mission with cushions on the seats so that was a score. But no matter how tired we were, we could not sleep a wink. Our members. Our mission. Our friends the other missionaries and the horrors they must have witnessed. Sister Robinson and I just talked in the dark all night long until we could finally sleep at 5 only to be woken up at 6. We could see guards walking around all night with flashlight because this desperate community was no longer safe. Especially since the church is known for being wealthy. We were woken up, shoveled in some breakfast and were on our way. They gave us Mormon helping hands jersey things and we were told to hide our name tags because as missionaries, we were not given priority to get on the boats. We posed as volunteers who had come in to help with the aftermath. Legit, huh? We were smuggled out! Driving through Ormoc was just sad. It was just a sad place. People on every corner starving. The Hospital with cracked windows and nothing but an empty shell. All stores boarded up. We saw Sister Kramer's pictures from right after the storm and it looked way worse when we saw it. This isn't about surviving the actual storm, but it's effects. We got on the boat and Sister Robinson called being the last missionary in region 8! (Tacloban mission) Everyone was on the boat and she stepped on last then an elder ran back and touched on foot back, ha! It was so hilarious. But she still claims it as she should. We rode for 3 hours to Cebu, which is so fancy! Nothing like Tacloban which is like the ghetto of the Philippines aka the best part:) and had Mcdonald's. After a week of no power, fresh food or cold food, it tasted SO good. They were SO good about taking care of us, planning everything so perfectly so there was always someone to meet us then pass us on to the next place. 

Then we flew from Cebu to Manila (1 hour flight) and we were picked up at the Airport and drove back to the MTC/MRC. What should have been 30 minutes took 2 hours in the crazy and Manila traffic and we were so dead. On one hour of sleep and in the same exact clothes we had gone out to work in. We were in the shock of our lives when we get out and get debriefed by the Philippines Area Presidency. They were so happy to see us after working so hard for so many days to find a way out for us. They told us about our mission calls and that the next 3 batches of missionaries would be going home and  the rest of us would be getting our mission calls with the rest of the mission that night! All we wanted to do was shower and get clean and eat and sleep but we went to see the rest of the mission and it was one of the most rewarding experiences ever. When the other missionaries saw us- the very last of the group coming in- they ran and tackled us, many tears and lots of thanks. I've never felt so loved. I was just so happy we got to see everyone again! We had asked the rescuers if we would be reunited one last time before we got shipped off to various missions but they couldn't give us a for sure answer so we feared the worst and got the absolute best. We met as a whole mission for the first time ever and they told us the plan. We would get our mission calls that were assigned by the area presidency and they knew they were revelation from God. They specified that we would never lose our identity as the Tacloban missionaries as we went out to serve other areas in the Philippines and share our testimonies that have grown SO much through this entire ordeal. They told us that we would be receiving a mission picture with a list of all 204 missionaries, their emails to keep in touch and a dvd with all the media that had come out while we were experiencing it all. It was really a dream come true and they could not have done more to help us cope with this difficult situation. 

After the meeting, we lined up and opened our calls and I just happened to remember that exactly one year ago, I had received my call to the Philippines Tacloban Mission. To the day! Wow. November 14- Philippines Cebu Mission, Cebuano speaking!!!! Relief came, and I knew it was exactly right. There were only 3 Bisayan missions (aka Cebuano speaking) and 7 Tagalog speaking so I knew there was a chance to speak Tagalog and I would've done it but I was so relieved to be actually able to know my language. But many Americans that don't know a word of Tagalog are going, and I'm sure they'll be just fine. After that, we all rejoiced and shared our mission calls with each other and there was just pure happiness. All missionaries love their mission and the other missionaries, but I'm afraid no other mission in the world could ever be closer than this. Experiencing this together made us more like a family than anything ever could. I saw the coolest thing ever. Right before I opened my call, An elder who had been in Tacloban and the heart of it all opened is call- also to Cebu and just started crying and dropped on his knees instantly and stared out loud thanking heavenly father for his call. It was incredible to witness. Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need. Then we got to call our families! Jenny and Julie were the shock of their lives cause no one else answered the phone! And you should all be pretty impressed that I still had remembered everyone's number.

Since then, We took a mission picture and had our first and last mission conference, everyone was in tears and it was an experience I will never forget. I feel so grateful to be a part of this mission. I can't believe how much we are on the news and whenever we go to the temple, random people come up to us and call us heroes. I don't really think so but I'm glad they're inspired by each of our stories. Everyone's experience is so different and I'm so uplifted by them all. I'm surrounded by some pretty incredible people. These past few days have just been the best and I've been savoring every minute. Everyone going to Cebu(there are quite a few! Yay! Lots from my batch and I'll get to see 3 elders from my MTC district!)  and other missions have already left but some from my group are staying a little longer to rest and process everything because we're were the last ones so we got way less time than everyone. They take care of us so well, and I really couldn't ask for anything more. Even though it was hard and still is emotionally taxing thinking of everyone we left and my whole mission being destroyed, I'm grateful and I would do it again in a heart beat. The things I have learned are worth too much and I'm sure I will continue to learn and grow from this experience. And in Cebu, I will embrace the opportunity to get 2 missions and 2 loving mission presidents and I'm sure I have much to learn from them and so much to share. It's funny cause it's almost exactly half way and since being here feels exactly like being in the MTC I really feel like I'm starting mission #2! I'm so stoked. And that's my story. I've heard some amazing other ones that make me cry, but help me grow.  I wish I had time to share them all but this is the longest thing ever! I love you. Thank you for your love and support!

Funny story- In mission conference, Elder Ferrin said, "Now that we all saved you and we spent a lot of money, it's time for pay back. for every minute of your parents call's to us, you owe 1 peso. for every minute of ours to them, you owe 10 pesos. Elder Oaks, you owe 200,000(ish). my thought-wow that's ridiculous! Then he said and Sister Pike, you owe 12 million (ish) pesos! Everyone looked at me and clapped haha I was super embarrassed. But felt super loved. It was hilarious.

Sister Pike

November 2015

It is now November 5, 2015. So, it's been about 2 weeks since I last wrote (even though I've been slacking and I'm publishing them at the same time). I'm still here! (living at Jehee's place, I mean). I honestly didn't expect to be staying here this long, but I can say that it is the best. After one week of hospital visits and one week of lots and lots of appointments to keep and errands to run and bad news and emotional break-downs, these past two weeks have been SIGNIFICANTLY better. Jehee is doing much better emotionally, she still has a lot of decisions to make and a super unclear future, but we both know that everything will work out and everything that needs to happen, will happen as long as we try our best. And we notice the small progress like:

She finished her entire bowl of soup at Zupas
(this is a HUGE deal!)

That one time I left her all alone at one end
of the restaurant and she didn't even notice 

OR

When I tell people that my life is weird and I'm living in my friend's apartment and sleeping on a pile of couch cushions on the floor and I drive her to her doctors' appointments and she can never go anywhere by herself, they say, "I'm sorry! That sounds terrible!" And you know what? It isn't, not even close. I love it here! I love that I can help my friend everyday. I love that there are days (or even a week) that we both wake up feeling terrible and decide to stay in and have a movie marathon ALL DAY LONG.  Because if I weren't here, and I were at home, I would still feel terrible. I would still want to stay on the couch, not move and watch movies all day, but I would be alone. And everybody knows that movies and life in general are better with people around. Especially with people you love. Especially with your best friend.

Dressing up for Halloween- we still
get to be goofballs

And that's all I'm doing folks, making the best of 2 not-so-ideal situations. What I really think is amazing about all this is, in the time that she needed me the most, when we had to go the most places, when I needed to comfort her and listen to her rants and dry her tears, I wasn't nearly as sick as I have been for the past 2 weeks. When she NEEDED me, I had the strength, the energy, the capacity to be exactly who my friend needed (with the help of some other dear friends), and now when she needs me less, I'm sick more and I need her. She can't do much (no one can, really), but she's there and I'm grateful. 

It's also been pretty cool to look back and see how these events have played out. When I dropped all my classes in February, my mom really wanted me to go back home where she could take care of me and we could figure out all my doctors and treatments and stuff (cause it's pretty overwhelming). It made sense, but I knew it wasn't for me. On a particularly hard day, when I was feeling like dropping out of school would leave me purposeless and without the ability to progress, I went to the temple and received a very strong prompting saying, "There is much good for you to accomplish here. You will still be able to bless the lives of those around you." And then now, look at this situation. If I had gone home, I would still be home. If I had gone home, I wouldn't have been in the most perfect situation to be a blessing. Even though I'm weak, and still sick, Heavenly Father was able to use me as an instrument to be something great. And I know it's true for all of us. Sometimes we think "if only I were healthy, I could be so much of a help", or "if only I were rich, I would be able to donate so much more money and help others", or "once I'm out of school, I'll have more time and be able to magnify my callings", etc. But when we turn to our Heavenly Father, He says, "Give me everything you have to give and I will make it enough." 

Or, in more scriptural words, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."-Ether 12:27

HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. Never before have I felt more useful to anyone ever. Not just as a friend or a ride or a personal escort, but as Mary Ann Pike, professional sick person, my experiences, my struggles, my weaknesses, all of it, has contributed to helping someone else, and it's great. I highly recommend it. It makes years of sickness, pain and suffering totally and completely worth it. Jehee doesn't know when she'll be able to return to normal life or go to school or work, and neither do I, but thanks to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and priesthood blessings and prayer and the Atonement, we don't have to.

Until next time,
Mary

October 2015

Originally written October 21, 2015

So, I created this blog to update others on my life, my sickness, my progress, and the lessons I'm learning. Lately, my life has been a crazy roller coaster of unexpectedness and it has all revolved around one girl: Jehee Lee.

Jehee's first trip to the ER, 2011

Four years ago, I arrived in my new apartment and met my new roommate. We started talking and by the next day, when our other roommates arrived, we had already become the best of friends. Since then, she has become a part of my family. She's spent 3 Christmas's, 2 thanksgivings, my plus one at all extended family events and even went on the famous 21 hour road trip with my family from Salt Lake City, Utah to Carrollton, Texas and stayed a week with my family. To say she is my roommate and friend is an understatement to be sure.

Our very own "Festival of Colors", Spring 2012

Building our first snowman of the season, 2012 

Fast forward to this semester. I've seen her a few times and she's been sick with a stomach ulcer and something with her gallbladder which has changed her diet to Gatorade, mashed potatoes and yogurt. Basically things that are easy to digest and swallow or else she will throw up. Meanwhile, she was going to school and trying to work and keep up and she was doing pretty good! She had to go to the ER once, and she occasionally asked me to drive her to doctor's appointments and such, but she was handling it quite well, considering. During this time, she would call me and stuff like, I finally get you! I understand that you don't care that other people are eating good stuff you can't eat (previously, every time she ate something, she would offer it to me than realize I couldn't eat it then apologize profusely and wouldn't believe me when I said those foods didn't even look appetizing to me anymore). I understand what it's like to COMPLETELY change your diet and what it's like to be sick everyday and be flaky and cancel plans just because you don't feel good. She understood on a whole new level and it was kinda cool!

Then came, a convention in Salt Lake City for work, so I didn't see her for a while. On a Friday morning (October 9), she texts me and said, "You can use my ROC(all sports) pass for the BYU football game on Saturday cause I'm feeling too sick." Which worked out nicely because we were short a pass anyway. On Saturday, I tried to call her to see if I could pick the pass up from her before the game and she texted back saying, "You can come to my apartment. Here's the code, don't knock, I'll be in my room." In my mind, I figured she was just sleeping and didn't want to be disturbed so I didn't think much of it. I was about to be in for the shock of my life. I walk in her apartment and hear a vacuum going so I assume it's her other roommate vacuuming her room cause what kinda sick person that should be in bed asleep vacuums?? So I walk in her room and imagine my surprise when in fact she is one the vacuuming and due to the loud noise, she didn't hear me come in or open the door and she looks at me and falls to the floor and starts crying uncontrollably. I am so confused! So of course I sit next to her and put my arm around her and try to comfort her and she tries to answer my questions through her hysterical tears. Has this happened before? Yes, since Thursday. Are you having a panic attack? Yes. I just took my medicine so I can't take it again. (In my mind, what does your ulcer medicine have anything to do with this?!) Do you need to go to the hospital? I don't know. What can I do? Call Jen! But I assume our friend and former roommate who I'm supposed to meet at the game. So I call and explain and ask her to come over to help and I'm in tears cause it's just so sad! So I go back and sit next to her again and she starts to gag cause she's crying so hard. She crawls as fast as she can to the bathroom (cause she can't walk) and proceeds to dry heave and I just feel so helpless. Every footstep from the above apartments, every door slam, every water sound, sends her into more hysterical tears. "The noises! They're scary!" I have literally never seen someone more terrified in my life. When I made the call earlier, I saw a note left by a coworker. "Dear roommates, Try to be really quiet, Jehee is really afraid of loud noises. Please check on her when you get home. Give me a call if you need anything. If she's struggling, tell her to breathe. Don't ask her about what happened. Signed Jen and left with a number." And then it clicked, "Ooohhhh, that's the Jen she wanted me to call!" So I do, no answer. Tell her breathe? I don't even know how to make that effective. Finally Jen calls back and tells me what to do. I'm so grateful. Help her to breathe deeply and it helps if you can count and do it with her. Just keep encouraging her. Turn off the lights. Don't have more than one or two people there crowding her. Just comfort her. Turn on music so she can't hear the other noises of people and be scared. So I do my best. So here we are, alone, on the bathroom floor sitting in the dark. I'm helping her to try to breathe. She tells me she wants to move to her bed cause this place is "scary." I help her stand, and she almost immediately falls down. So I help her to control her breathing and help her slowly, very, very slowly, army crawl to her room. I'm talking move an arm, rest, move the other arm, rest, a painfully slow process, but there's no way around it. We finally get her into her bed and at this point, it's been an hour and she's allowed to take her medicine. She has stopped crying, but she's still nervous and incredibly anxious. I ask her if her roommates know what's going on. No, she hasn't seen them since she's been home. She stayed in her hotel room in Salt Lake all day Friday and didn't go to work. She's been like this for 2 whole days alone! I sat next to her bed for another hour as she dozed off to sleep. Before, she was asleep, she gave me my ROC pass and told me that this medicine would put her to sleep and that I should go to the game. My initial reaction was, I want to stay by your side forever in case this happens again! But after she was calmed down and falling asleep, I decided I would go to the game, but I would leave a note and have her call if anything happened again and check on her later. That whole process was TWO HOURS. Dang.

As soon as I got home, I texted her, no answer. Maybe she's still asleep! But as i was getting ready for bed I just couldn't stop thinking about her and what I could do to help her. I wanted to go over, but I was afraid the unannounced visit might lead to another less than ideal situation. So, I decided to text her roommate. Answer, "I have no idea what's happening but her coworkers just took to the ER." WHAT. I need to be there right now. So I texted to her roommate and boyfriend for like the next hour until they were ready for me to come and switch places with them in the ER. It was midnight.

 While in the hospital, I talked to her, she was still pretty shaky, hated knocks and just in general anxious. As she talked with the doctors, I learned that there was a situation that happened at the convention the other day involving 100 angry Koreans yelling at her, threatening her and trying to physically harm her because she was the only one trying to help them and they were impatient. Security was called and she was relocated. The straw that broke the camels back was one of the Korean leaders her targeted her, yelled at her, and publicly humiliated her in front of all of the convention workers. She has been treated for anxiety in the past, but it was completely under control and now, because of this incident, she has PTSD and acute anxiety disorder. She's terrified of people. She's terrified of noises. She can't go in public without someone she knows. Any little thing that we "normal" people don't even notice sets her into a full fledged panic attack. Mental illness has never been more real or more scary for me. Medicine is a life saver and therapists are saints.


Since then, she spent another whole day in the ER, 4 days in a psychiatric hospital so they could perfect her medicine. Since that day, either I or one of my roommates has spent the night with her and she is never alone. I have escorted her to doctors, therapists and school counselors because she would never be able to handle it alone. After the psychiatric hospital, her medicine was a lot more balanced and she made tremendous improvement. We went to Color Me Mine! She ran down the hall and jumped up and down because she was excited! She tried to eat something other than Gatorade!

After 8 hours in the ER, 10/12/15

You may be wondering what this has to do with my sickness. Never have I felt so capable! I can drive. I can stay at home by myself all day. I can go to the doctor and the grocery store. And most importantly, because I'm sick, I don't have a schedule. I don't have work, I only have 1 class twice a week in the evening and I am the only person capable of staying with Jehee all the time. Roommates, friends,  the Bishop and counselors, Relief Society president, home teachers, they all WANT to help and they all do when they can, but they have jobs, families, school, life and then there's me. Jehee's energy is limited, my energy is limited. Every day after her appointments in the morning, we sleep/ watch TV the rest of the day. It's almost like Heavenly Father KNEW this was going to happen and put me in a situation I could help the most. Yeah, he definitely did. Compared to Jehee, I don't even notice I'm sick. I still am...but it just doesn't seem important.

This week has been particularly rough. Even though her panic attacks are at an all time low, everything seems to falling apart this week. Her boyfriend broke up with her. She found out her work is going to give her an unpaid leave of absence, but they have no legal obligation to help with the mound of medical bills coming from ambulances, ER visits, psychiatric hospital visits, therapy, psychiatrists, medicine, etc. from this injury. She can't work. She missed tons of class, needs to catch up and also can't go to class.Her therapist told her to find a new one to better help, but it really just felt like everyone she was depending on was abandoning her and it was one of the saddest things ever. And when she cries, you can't help, but cry! But these are times of learning and I have learned SO MUCH.

Every time she cries, and it feels like her whole world is falling apart phone call after phone call, something happens, a tender mercy comes, the sun comes out and there is hope and happiness. The next day, it might be overwhelming again, but sure enough, someone reaches out, someone cares, something small and miraculous happens again and we can smile. We find joy in small things, like color-changing cups in the ER, or going out for ice cream. It doesn't need to be big, you just need to pay attention. Last night(October 20) the coolest thing ever happened. I'm reading the Book of Mormon and I was in the Book of Jacob, chapter 3 and I decided to invite her to read with me.

So we started, verse 1 which reads:
But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.

And the spirit just filled the room and we looked at each other gaping mouths and eyes that said, "DID  YOU JUST READ WHAT I JUST READ CAUSE THAT WAS SO PERFECT!!" I've heard about these moments, praying, opening scriptures to a random verse and finding comfort and answers, but it's never happened to me! Jehee thought I was messing with her, or that I planned it and inviting her, knowing what these verses said. I had no idea!!

So we continued, and verse 2 was just as great as the first:
O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever.

Have you ever heard of these verses? I hadn't, even though I've read the Book of Mormon all the way through at least 10 times. I couldn't have found these verses if I tried! And yet, here they were. The perfect message at the perfect time and it was just all too perfect. We could feel the love of our Heavenly Father, we knew without a doubt he was watching over us and that he has a plan.

Another thing I've learned is maybe He lets all our support seem like it's crumbling away so we can learn that He never will leave and so we can learn that that's all we really need. He will always send new people to help. People that are better fitted to help and that we never would have met if the others hadn't left.

And finally, the last thing I learned (for now). After one particularly rough day, when I woke up to Jehee hyperventilating on the phone with her psychiatrist and out of medicine, I drove her to UVU to see her doctor so that she could get a refill and stop freaking out. The only way she could remotely handle this adventure was that she was bundled up in a blanket so she couldn't see anyone and she had music on full blast so she didn't hear anyone. I led her from the car and we only made it about halfway to the entrance before she fell down, could no longer walk and started having a full on panic attack. She was crying, hyperventilating and terrified huddled in blanket while I attempted to comfort her while calling her doctor, calling 911, talking to the police and EMTs and everybody. I found that every time I told people what she was experiencing, I couldn't stop crying myself! I knew she would be okay. I knew they would take her to the hospital and get her medicine and she would be able to calm down, but even though I KNEW it in my head, my heart just ached for the terrified girl laying on the sidewalk. I don't think I've ever cried so much for another person in one day. We went to the ER and I stayed by her side, it took awhile for her to get her own room and get the right meds and for her to be in an environment that she didn't feel threatened. We were in the hospital from 10:30- 8pm that night. At the end of the day, I fell into bed completely and utterly exhausted, emotionally and physically. As I lay in bed pondering the events of the day, a scripture came to mind:

"...And now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." -Mosiah 18:8-9

And I thought never before have I ever mourned with those that mourn and comforted those that needed to be comforted more in my life than that day. And I smiled. This really isn't the most fun thing to do, no one usually likes to cry, especially if we are crying with someone we love, and yet, it's how we come into the fold of God. It's how we prove we are ready to be called his people. This is why there are trials and sufferings. This is why people cry out and need help. It's not just for their own benefit (although it definitely is beneficial), but it is necessary for others to help them. And even though that day was really hard and I don't really want to repeat it, I was really grateful for Jehee, for her troubles, and most importantly, my ability to help bear it in some small way. For my opportunity to become more like Christ by doing exactly what he would've done.

This thing is far from over, but we're getting through it one day at a time. We are finding joy in the journey and relying on the Savior every step of the way.

-Mary

*this message is approved by Jehee Lee, "It's so sad, but so funny!"