So, I created this blog to update others on my life, my sickness, my progress, and the lessons I'm learning. Lately, my life has been a crazy roller coaster of unexpectedness and it has all revolved around one girl: Jehee Lee.
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| Jehee's first trip to the ER, 2011 |
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| Our very own "Festival of Colors", Spring 2012 |
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| Building our first snowman of the season, 2012 |
Fast forward to this semester. I've seen her a few times and she's been sick with a stomach ulcer and something with her gallbladder which has changed her diet to Gatorade, mashed potatoes and yogurt. Basically things that are easy to digest and swallow or else she will throw up. Meanwhile, she was going to school and trying to work and keep up and she was doing pretty good! She had to go to the ER once, and she occasionally asked me to drive her to doctor's appointments and such, but she was handling it quite well, considering. During this time, she would call me and stuff like, I finally get you! I understand that you don't care that other people are eating good stuff you can't eat (previously, every time she ate something, she would offer it to me than realize I couldn't eat it then apologize profusely and wouldn't believe me when I said those foods didn't even look appetizing to me anymore). I understand what it's like to COMPLETELY change your diet and what it's like to be sick everyday and be flaky and cancel plans just because you don't feel good. She understood on a whole new level and it was kinda cool!
Then came, a convention in Salt Lake City for work, so I didn't see her for a while. On a Friday morning (October 9), she texts me and said, "You can use my ROC(all sports) pass for the BYU football game on Saturday cause I'm feeling too sick." Which worked out nicely because we were short a pass anyway. On Saturday, I tried to call her to see if I could pick the pass up from her before the game and she texted back saying, "You can come to my apartment. Here's the code, don't knock, I'll be in my room." In my mind, I figured she was just sleeping and didn't want to be disturbed so I didn't think much of it. I was about to be in for the shock of my life. I walk in her apartment and hear a vacuum going so I assume it's her other roommate vacuuming her room cause what kinda sick person that should be in bed asleep vacuums?? So I walk in her room and imagine my surprise when in fact she is one the vacuuming and due to the loud noise, she didn't hear me come in or open the door and she looks at me and falls to the floor and starts crying uncontrollably. I am so confused! So of course I sit next to her and put my arm around her and try to comfort her and she tries to answer my questions through her hysterical tears. Has this happened before? Yes, since Thursday. Are you having a panic attack? Yes. I just took my medicine so I can't take it again. (In my mind, what does your ulcer medicine have anything to do with this?!) Do you need to go to the hospital? I don't know. What can I do? Call Jen! But I assume our friend and former roommate who I'm supposed to meet at the game. So I call and explain and ask her to come over to help and I'm in tears cause it's just so sad! So I go back and sit next to her again and she starts to gag cause she's crying so hard. She crawls as fast as she can to the bathroom (cause she can't walk) and proceeds to dry heave and I just feel so helpless. Every footstep from the above apartments, every door slam, every water sound, sends her into more hysterical tears. "The noises! They're scary!" I have literally never seen someone more terrified in my life. When I made the call earlier, I saw a note left by a coworker. "Dear roommates, Try to be really quiet, Jehee is really afraid of loud noises. Please check on her when you get home. Give me a call if you need anything. If she's struggling, tell her to breathe. Don't ask her about what happened. Signed Jen and left with a number." And then it clicked, "Ooohhhh, that's the Jen she wanted me to call!" So I do, no answer. Tell her breathe? I don't even know how to make that effective. Finally Jen calls back and tells me what to do. I'm so grateful. Help her to breathe deeply and it helps if you can count and do it with her. Just keep encouraging her. Turn off the lights. Don't have more than one or two people there crowding her. Just comfort her. Turn on music so she can't hear the other noises of people and be scared. So I do my best. So here we are, alone, on the bathroom floor sitting in the dark. I'm helping her to try to breathe. She tells me she wants to move to her bed cause this place is "scary." I help her stand, and she almost immediately falls down. So I help her to control her breathing and help her slowly, very, very slowly, army crawl to her room. I'm talking move an arm, rest, move the other arm, rest, a painfully slow process, but there's no way around it. We finally get her into her bed and at this point, it's been an hour and she's allowed to take her medicine. She has stopped crying, but she's still nervous and incredibly anxious. I ask her if her roommates know what's going on. No, she hasn't seen them since she's been home. She stayed in her hotel room in Salt Lake all day Friday and didn't go to work. She's been like this for 2 whole days alone! I sat next to her bed for another hour as she dozed off to sleep. Before, she was asleep, she gave me my ROC pass and told me that this medicine would put her to sleep and that I should go to the game. My initial reaction was, I want to stay by your side forever in case this happens again! But after she was calmed down and falling asleep, I decided I would go to the game, but I would leave a note and have her call if anything happened again and check on her later. That whole process was TWO HOURS. Dang.
As soon as I got home, I texted her, no answer. Maybe she's still asleep! But as i was getting ready for bed I just couldn't stop thinking about her and what I could do to help her. I wanted to go over, but I was afraid the unannounced visit might lead to another less than ideal situation. So, I decided to text her roommate. Answer, "I have no idea what's happening but her coworkers just took to the ER." WHAT. I need to be there right now. So I texted to her roommate and boyfriend for like the next hour until they were ready for me to come and switch places with them in the ER. It was midnight.
While in the hospital, I talked to her, she was still pretty shaky, hated knocks and just in general anxious. As she talked with the doctors, I learned that there was a situation that happened at the convention the other day involving 100 angry Koreans yelling at her, threatening her and trying to physically harm her because she was the only one trying to help them and they were impatient. Security was called and she was relocated. The straw that broke the camels back was one of the Korean leaders her targeted her, yelled at her, and publicly humiliated her in front of all of the convention workers. She has been treated for anxiety in the past, but it was completely under control and now, because of this incident, she has PTSD and acute anxiety disorder. She's terrified of people. She's terrified of noises. She can't go in public without someone she knows. Any little thing that we "normal" people don't even notice sets her into a full fledged panic attack. Mental illness has never been more real or more scary for me. Medicine is a life saver and therapists are saints.
Since then, she spent another whole day in the ER, 4 days in a psychiatric hospital so they could perfect her medicine. Since that day, either I or one of my roommates has spent the night with her and she is never alone. I have escorted her to doctors, therapists and school counselors because she would never be able to handle it alone. After the psychiatric hospital, her medicine was a lot more balanced and she made tremendous improvement. We went to Color Me Mine! She ran down the hall and jumped up and down because she was excited! She tried to eat something other than Gatorade!
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| After 8 hours in the ER, 10/12/15 |
This week has been particularly rough. Even though her panic attacks are at an all time low, everything seems to falling apart this week. Her boyfriend broke up with her. She found out her work is going to give her an unpaid leave of absence, but they have no legal obligation to help with the mound of medical bills coming from ambulances, ER visits, psychiatric hospital visits, therapy, psychiatrists, medicine, etc. from this injury. She can't work. She missed tons of class, needs to catch up and also can't go to class.Her therapist told her to find a new one to better help, but it really just felt like everyone she was depending on was abandoning her and it was one of the saddest things ever. And when she cries, you can't help, but cry! But these are times of learning and I have learned SO MUCH.
Every time she cries, and it feels like her whole world is falling apart phone call after phone call, something happens, a tender mercy comes, the sun comes out and there is hope and happiness. The next day, it might be overwhelming again, but sure enough, someone reaches out, someone cares, something small and miraculous happens again and we can smile. We find joy in small things, like color-changing cups in the ER, or going out for ice cream. It doesn't need to be big, you just need to pay attention. Last night(October 20) the coolest thing ever happened. I'm reading the Book of Mormon and I was in the Book of Jacob, chapter 3 and I decided to invite her to read with me.
So we started, verse 1 which reads:
But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.
And the spirit just filled the room and we looked at each other gaping mouths and eyes that said, "DID YOU JUST READ WHAT I JUST READ CAUSE THAT WAS SO PERFECT!!" I've heard about these moments, praying, opening scriptures to a random verse and finding comfort and answers, but it's never happened to me! Jehee thought I was messing with her, or that I planned it and inviting her, knowing what these verses said. I had no idea!!
So we continued, and verse 2 was just as great as the first:
O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever.
Have you ever heard of these verses? I hadn't, even though I've read the Book of Mormon all the way through at least 10 times. I couldn't have found these verses if I tried! And yet, here they were. The perfect message at the perfect time and it was just all too perfect. We could feel the love of our Heavenly Father, we knew without a doubt he was watching over us and that he has a plan.
Another thing I've learned is maybe He lets all our support seem like it's crumbling away so we can learn that He never will leave and so we can learn that that's all we really need. He will always send new people to help. People that are better fitted to help and that we never would have met if the others hadn't left.
And finally, the last thing I learned (for now). After one particularly rough day, when I woke up to Jehee hyperventilating on the phone with her psychiatrist and out of medicine, I drove her to UVU to see her doctor so that she could get a refill and stop freaking out. The only way she could remotely handle this adventure was that she was bundled up in a blanket so she couldn't see anyone and she had music on full blast so she didn't hear anyone. I led her from the car and we only made it about halfway to the entrance before she fell down, could no longer walk and started having a full on panic attack. She was crying, hyperventilating and terrified huddled in blanket while I attempted to comfort her while calling her doctor, calling 911, talking to the police and EMTs and everybody. I found that every time I told people what she was experiencing, I couldn't stop crying myself! I knew she would be okay. I knew they would take her to the hospital and get her medicine and she would be able to calm down, but even though I KNEW it in my head, my heart just ached for the terrified girl laying on the sidewalk. I don't think I've ever cried so much for another person in one day. We went to the ER and I stayed by her side, it took awhile for her to get her own room and get the right meds and for her to be in an environment that she didn't feel threatened. We were in the hospital from 10:30- 8pm that night. At the end of the day, I fell into bed completely and utterly exhausted, emotionally and physically. As I lay in bed pondering the events of the day, a scripture came to mind:
And I thought never before have I ever mourned with those that mourn and comforted those that needed to be comforted more in my life than that day. And I smiled. This really isn't the most fun thing to do, no one usually likes to cry, especially if we are crying with someone we love, and yet, it's how we come into the fold of God. It's how we prove we are ready to be called his people. This is why there are trials and sufferings. This is why people cry out and need help. It's not just for their own benefit (although it definitely is beneficial), but it is necessary for others to help them. And even though that day was really hard and I don't really want to repeat it, I was really grateful for Jehee, for her troubles, and most importantly, my ability to help bear it in some small way. For my opportunity to become more like Christ by doing exactly what he would've done."...And now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." -Mosiah 18:8-9
This thing is far from over, but we're getting through it one day at a time. We are finding joy in the journey and relying on the Savior every step of the way.
-Mary
*this message is approved by Jehee Lee, "It's so sad, but so funny!"
Awesome possum, mostly the footnote. Love you guys.
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