November 2015

It is now November 5, 2015. So, it's been about 2 weeks since I last wrote (even though I've been slacking and I'm publishing them at the same time). I'm still here! (living at Jehee's place, I mean). I honestly didn't expect to be staying here this long, but I can say that it is the best. After one week of hospital visits and one week of lots and lots of appointments to keep and errands to run and bad news and emotional break-downs, these past two weeks have been SIGNIFICANTLY better. Jehee is doing much better emotionally, she still has a lot of decisions to make and a super unclear future, but we both know that everything will work out and everything that needs to happen, will happen as long as we try our best. And we notice the small progress like:

She finished her entire bowl of soup at Zupas
(this is a HUGE deal!)

That one time I left her all alone at one end
of the restaurant and she didn't even notice 

OR

When I tell people that my life is weird and I'm living in my friend's apartment and sleeping on a pile of couch cushions on the floor and I drive her to her doctors' appointments and she can never go anywhere by herself, they say, "I'm sorry! That sounds terrible!" And you know what? It isn't, not even close. I love it here! I love that I can help my friend everyday. I love that there are days (or even a week) that we both wake up feeling terrible and decide to stay in and have a movie marathon ALL DAY LONG.  Because if I weren't here, and I were at home, I would still feel terrible. I would still want to stay on the couch, not move and watch movies all day, but I would be alone. And everybody knows that movies and life in general are better with people around. Especially with people you love. Especially with your best friend.

Dressing up for Halloween- we still
get to be goofballs

And that's all I'm doing folks, making the best of 2 not-so-ideal situations. What I really think is amazing about all this is, in the time that she needed me the most, when we had to go the most places, when I needed to comfort her and listen to her rants and dry her tears, I wasn't nearly as sick as I have been for the past 2 weeks. When she NEEDED me, I had the strength, the energy, the capacity to be exactly who my friend needed (with the help of some other dear friends), and now when she needs me less, I'm sick more and I need her. She can't do much (no one can, really), but she's there and I'm grateful. 

It's also been pretty cool to look back and see how these events have played out. When I dropped all my classes in February, my mom really wanted me to go back home where she could take care of me and we could figure out all my doctors and treatments and stuff (cause it's pretty overwhelming). It made sense, but I knew it wasn't for me. On a particularly hard day, when I was feeling like dropping out of school would leave me purposeless and without the ability to progress, I went to the temple and received a very strong prompting saying, "There is much good for you to accomplish here. You will still be able to bless the lives of those around you." And then now, look at this situation. If I had gone home, I would still be home. If I had gone home, I wouldn't have been in the most perfect situation to be a blessing. Even though I'm weak, and still sick, Heavenly Father was able to use me as an instrument to be something great. And I know it's true for all of us. Sometimes we think "if only I were healthy, I could be so much of a help", or "if only I were rich, I would be able to donate so much more money and help others", or "once I'm out of school, I'll have more time and be able to magnify my callings", etc. But when we turn to our Heavenly Father, He says, "Give me everything you have to give and I will make it enough." 

Or, in more scriptural words, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."-Ether 12:27

HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. Never before have I felt more useful to anyone ever. Not just as a friend or a ride or a personal escort, but as Mary Ann Pike, professional sick person, my experiences, my struggles, my weaknesses, all of it, has contributed to helping someone else, and it's great. I highly recommend it. It makes years of sickness, pain and suffering totally and completely worth it. Jehee doesn't know when she'll be able to return to normal life or go to school or work, and neither do I, but thanks to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and priesthood blessings and prayer and the Atonement, we don't have to.

Until next time,
Mary

October 2015

Originally written October 21, 2015

So, I created this blog to update others on my life, my sickness, my progress, and the lessons I'm learning. Lately, my life has been a crazy roller coaster of unexpectedness and it has all revolved around one girl: Jehee Lee.

Jehee's first trip to the ER, 2011

Four years ago, I arrived in my new apartment and met my new roommate. We started talking and by the next day, when our other roommates arrived, we had already become the best of friends. Since then, she has become a part of my family. She's spent 3 Christmas's, 2 thanksgivings, my plus one at all extended family events and even went on the famous 21 hour road trip with my family from Salt Lake City, Utah to Carrollton, Texas and stayed a week with my family. To say she is my roommate and friend is an understatement to be sure.

Our very own "Festival of Colors", Spring 2012

Building our first snowman of the season, 2012 

Fast forward to this semester. I've seen her a few times and she's been sick with a stomach ulcer and something with her gallbladder which has changed her diet to Gatorade, mashed potatoes and yogurt. Basically things that are easy to digest and swallow or else she will throw up. Meanwhile, she was going to school and trying to work and keep up and she was doing pretty good! She had to go to the ER once, and she occasionally asked me to drive her to doctor's appointments and such, but she was handling it quite well, considering. During this time, she would call me and stuff like, I finally get you! I understand that you don't care that other people are eating good stuff you can't eat (previously, every time she ate something, she would offer it to me than realize I couldn't eat it then apologize profusely and wouldn't believe me when I said those foods didn't even look appetizing to me anymore). I understand what it's like to COMPLETELY change your diet and what it's like to be sick everyday and be flaky and cancel plans just because you don't feel good. She understood on a whole new level and it was kinda cool!

Then came, a convention in Salt Lake City for work, so I didn't see her for a while. On a Friday morning (October 9), she texts me and said, "You can use my ROC(all sports) pass for the BYU football game on Saturday cause I'm feeling too sick." Which worked out nicely because we were short a pass anyway. On Saturday, I tried to call her to see if I could pick the pass up from her before the game and she texted back saying, "You can come to my apartment. Here's the code, don't knock, I'll be in my room." In my mind, I figured she was just sleeping and didn't want to be disturbed so I didn't think much of it. I was about to be in for the shock of my life. I walk in her apartment and hear a vacuum going so I assume it's her other roommate vacuuming her room cause what kinda sick person that should be in bed asleep vacuums?? So I walk in her room and imagine my surprise when in fact she is one the vacuuming and due to the loud noise, she didn't hear me come in or open the door and she looks at me and falls to the floor and starts crying uncontrollably. I am so confused! So of course I sit next to her and put my arm around her and try to comfort her and she tries to answer my questions through her hysterical tears. Has this happened before? Yes, since Thursday. Are you having a panic attack? Yes. I just took my medicine so I can't take it again. (In my mind, what does your ulcer medicine have anything to do with this?!) Do you need to go to the hospital? I don't know. What can I do? Call Jen! But I assume our friend and former roommate who I'm supposed to meet at the game. So I call and explain and ask her to come over to help and I'm in tears cause it's just so sad! So I go back and sit next to her again and she starts to gag cause she's crying so hard. She crawls as fast as she can to the bathroom (cause she can't walk) and proceeds to dry heave and I just feel so helpless. Every footstep from the above apartments, every door slam, every water sound, sends her into more hysterical tears. "The noises! They're scary!" I have literally never seen someone more terrified in my life. When I made the call earlier, I saw a note left by a coworker. "Dear roommates, Try to be really quiet, Jehee is really afraid of loud noises. Please check on her when you get home. Give me a call if you need anything. If she's struggling, tell her to breathe. Don't ask her about what happened. Signed Jen and left with a number." And then it clicked, "Ooohhhh, that's the Jen she wanted me to call!" So I do, no answer. Tell her breathe? I don't even know how to make that effective. Finally Jen calls back and tells me what to do. I'm so grateful. Help her to breathe deeply and it helps if you can count and do it with her. Just keep encouraging her. Turn off the lights. Don't have more than one or two people there crowding her. Just comfort her. Turn on music so she can't hear the other noises of people and be scared. So I do my best. So here we are, alone, on the bathroom floor sitting in the dark. I'm helping her to try to breathe. She tells me she wants to move to her bed cause this place is "scary." I help her stand, and she almost immediately falls down. So I help her to control her breathing and help her slowly, very, very slowly, army crawl to her room. I'm talking move an arm, rest, move the other arm, rest, a painfully slow process, but there's no way around it. We finally get her into her bed and at this point, it's been an hour and she's allowed to take her medicine. She has stopped crying, but she's still nervous and incredibly anxious. I ask her if her roommates know what's going on. No, she hasn't seen them since she's been home. She stayed in her hotel room in Salt Lake all day Friday and didn't go to work. She's been like this for 2 whole days alone! I sat next to her bed for another hour as she dozed off to sleep. Before, she was asleep, she gave me my ROC pass and told me that this medicine would put her to sleep and that I should go to the game. My initial reaction was, I want to stay by your side forever in case this happens again! But after she was calmed down and falling asleep, I decided I would go to the game, but I would leave a note and have her call if anything happened again and check on her later. That whole process was TWO HOURS. Dang.

As soon as I got home, I texted her, no answer. Maybe she's still asleep! But as i was getting ready for bed I just couldn't stop thinking about her and what I could do to help her. I wanted to go over, but I was afraid the unannounced visit might lead to another less than ideal situation. So, I decided to text her roommate. Answer, "I have no idea what's happening but her coworkers just took to the ER." WHAT. I need to be there right now. So I texted to her roommate and boyfriend for like the next hour until they were ready for me to come and switch places with them in the ER. It was midnight.

 While in the hospital, I talked to her, she was still pretty shaky, hated knocks and just in general anxious. As she talked with the doctors, I learned that there was a situation that happened at the convention the other day involving 100 angry Koreans yelling at her, threatening her and trying to physically harm her because she was the only one trying to help them and they were impatient. Security was called and she was relocated. The straw that broke the camels back was one of the Korean leaders her targeted her, yelled at her, and publicly humiliated her in front of all of the convention workers. She has been treated for anxiety in the past, but it was completely under control and now, because of this incident, she has PTSD and acute anxiety disorder. She's terrified of people. She's terrified of noises. She can't go in public without someone she knows. Any little thing that we "normal" people don't even notice sets her into a full fledged panic attack. Mental illness has never been more real or more scary for me. Medicine is a life saver and therapists are saints.


Since then, she spent another whole day in the ER, 4 days in a psychiatric hospital so they could perfect her medicine. Since that day, either I or one of my roommates has spent the night with her and she is never alone. I have escorted her to doctors, therapists and school counselors because she would never be able to handle it alone. After the psychiatric hospital, her medicine was a lot more balanced and she made tremendous improvement. We went to Color Me Mine! She ran down the hall and jumped up and down because she was excited! She tried to eat something other than Gatorade!

After 8 hours in the ER, 10/12/15

You may be wondering what this has to do with my sickness. Never have I felt so capable! I can drive. I can stay at home by myself all day. I can go to the doctor and the grocery store. And most importantly, because I'm sick, I don't have a schedule. I don't have work, I only have 1 class twice a week in the evening and I am the only person capable of staying with Jehee all the time. Roommates, friends,  the Bishop and counselors, Relief Society president, home teachers, they all WANT to help and they all do when they can, but they have jobs, families, school, life and then there's me. Jehee's energy is limited, my energy is limited. Every day after her appointments in the morning, we sleep/ watch TV the rest of the day. It's almost like Heavenly Father KNEW this was going to happen and put me in a situation I could help the most. Yeah, he definitely did. Compared to Jehee, I don't even notice I'm sick. I still am...but it just doesn't seem important.

This week has been particularly rough. Even though her panic attacks are at an all time low, everything seems to falling apart this week. Her boyfriend broke up with her. She found out her work is going to give her an unpaid leave of absence, but they have no legal obligation to help with the mound of medical bills coming from ambulances, ER visits, psychiatric hospital visits, therapy, psychiatrists, medicine, etc. from this injury. She can't work. She missed tons of class, needs to catch up and also can't go to class.Her therapist told her to find a new one to better help, but it really just felt like everyone she was depending on was abandoning her and it was one of the saddest things ever. And when she cries, you can't help, but cry! But these are times of learning and I have learned SO MUCH.

Every time she cries, and it feels like her whole world is falling apart phone call after phone call, something happens, a tender mercy comes, the sun comes out and there is hope and happiness. The next day, it might be overwhelming again, but sure enough, someone reaches out, someone cares, something small and miraculous happens again and we can smile. We find joy in small things, like color-changing cups in the ER, or going out for ice cream. It doesn't need to be big, you just need to pay attention. Last night(October 20) the coolest thing ever happened. I'm reading the Book of Mormon and I was in the Book of Jacob, chapter 3 and I decided to invite her to read with me.

So we started, verse 1 which reads:
But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.

And the spirit just filled the room and we looked at each other gaping mouths and eyes that said, "DID  YOU JUST READ WHAT I JUST READ CAUSE THAT WAS SO PERFECT!!" I've heard about these moments, praying, opening scriptures to a random verse and finding comfort and answers, but it's never happened to me! Jehee thought I was messing with her, or that I planned it and inviting her, knowing what these verses said. I had no idea!!

So we continued, and verse 2 was just as great as the first:
O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever.

Have you ever heard of these verses? I hadn't, even though I've read the Book of Mormon all the way through at least 10 times. I couldn't have found these verses if I tried! And yet, here they were. The perfect message at the perfect time and it was just all too perfect. We could feel the love of our Heavenly Father, we knew without a doubt he was watching over us and that he has a plan.

Another thing I've learned is maybe He lets all our support seem like it's crumbling away so we can learn that He never will leave and so we can learn that that's all we really need. He will always send new people to help. People that are better fitted to help and that we never would have met if the others hadn't left.

And finally, the last thing I learned (for now). After one particularly rough day, when I woke up to Jehee hyperventilating on the phone with her psychiatrist and out of medicine, I drove her to UVU to see her doctor so that she could get a refill and stop freaking out. The only way she could remotely handle this adventure was that she was bundled up in a blanket so she couldn't see anyone and she had music on full blast so she didn't hear anyone. I led her from the car and we only made it about halfway to the entrance before she fell down, could no longer walk and started having a full on panic attack. She was crying, hyperventilating and terrified huddled in blanket while I attempted to comfort her while calling her doctor, calling 911, talking to the police and EMTs and everybody. I found that every time I told people what she was experiencing, I couldn't stop crying myself! I knew she would be okay. I knew they would take her to the hospital and get her medicine and she would be able to calm down, but even though I KNEW it in my head, my heart just ached for the terrified girl laying on the sidewalk. I don't think I've ever cried so much for another person in one day. We went to the ER and I stayed by her side, it took awhile for her to get her own room and get the right meds and for her to be in an environment that she didn't feel threatened. We were in the hospital from 10:30- 8pm that night. At the end of the day, I fell into bed completely and utterly exhausted, emotionally and physically. As I lay in bed pondering the events of the day, a scripture came to mind:

"...And now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." -Mosiah 18:8-9

And I thought never before have I ever mourned with those that mourn and comforted those that needed to be comforted more in my life than that day. And I smiled. This really isn't the most fun thing to do, no one usually likes to cry, especially if we are crying with someone we love, and yet, it's how we come into the fold of God. It's how we prove we are ready to be called his people. This is why there are trials and sufferings. This is why people cry out and need help. It's not just for their own benefit (although it definitely is beneficial), but it is necessary for others to help them. And even though that day was really hard and I don't really want to repeat it, I was really grateful for Jehee, for her troubles, and most importantly, my ability to help bear it in some small way. For my opportunity to become more like Christ by doing exactly what he would've done.

This thing is far from over, but we're getting through it one day at a time. We are finding joy in the journey and relying on the Savior every step of the way.

-Mary

*this message is approved by Jehee Lee, "It's so sad, but so funny!"

September 2015

It's been a while since I've updated and many people have been asking me what's new. Honestly, not much. I feel like I've slept through the month of September. Is it the 30th already?? If I had to describe my life right now, in school terms, I would say I'm majoring in sleeping/going to appointments/getting healthy, minoring in sports(I'm on 3 intramural teams) with a side hobby of going to class. If you had talked to me 6 months ago, I would have told you my goal was to take a full load in the fall. If you had talked to me 3 months ago, I would have told  you the same thing. It wasn't until mid-July that I wasn't getting better and I needed to consider other options. So I prayed. And prayed. And begged and asked and prayed. And then I explored my options. Due to the unfortunate circumstances that befell me winter semester(being stressed out of my mind for weeks then dropping all my classes), the thought of doing engineering classes made me sick every time. But I wanted to be productive! And I actually love learning. So I was looking into alternative classes I could take that wouldn't be too stressful, even classes that looked interesting that I could audit that I would never have the chance to take otherwise. Then, I looked into getting a part-time job, that could potentially be easier and less stressful than school, right? And it seemed that like out-of-the-blue, 3 jobs that were perfect came to my attention! Is this it? So I decided to focus on my online class (Bio 100) and take an evening class (Engl 316, my last completely non-engineering class) so that even if I was really sick, I would manage to make it and then leave Monday, Wednesday, Friday open for a potential job.

When I was looking into those jobs, I kept getting the feeling, don't push yourself. Ease back into school, it's been a while. Don't get in over your head. (cause that's the worst) So I did! I ignored all the jobs, signed up for the minimum, just to make sure I could handle it. And you know what?? One of the best decisions of my life. From the VERY first day of school, I felt extremely exhausted. And I hadn't even been to class yet! Tuesday, I had my first class from 5:10-6:15 and I went home and fell asleep as soon as possible. It was unreal. And I would like to say that it's gotten better since then, but it really hasn't. But you know what? Because I followed that "feeling", this has been the least stressful semester yet. I can sleep, all day if necessary. My class has been cancelled 3 times in the past 4 weeks, landing on the days that I feel the worst and would actually like to stay in bed. Even on the days that I need to go to class, usually by 5 PM I can drag myself out of bed for an hour. My class has no tests. ever. So this past week while everyone else was stuck in their first round of midterms, I was in bed from a nasty head cold+stomach bug not even worrying about studying at all. I sleep at least 12 hours a day. I've finished 4 books in the past 2 weeks. I've finished 6 seasons of Drop Dead Diva in the past month. I've played in 3 flag football games, 1 ultimate frisbee game( I missed one with the cold) and 1 basketball game. I've even watched BYU football become the greatest thing ever, then crush all of our hearts.

Some people say I'm lucky to have so much "free time" to do sports, read books and watch TV. Some people have known me long enough to know that the amount of physical ailments that have befallen me are just beyond ridiculous. I've had more than one friend say, "JUST STOP BEING SICK!" haha I wish it were that easy. I'm just really grateful that I have been granted this time to be sick without the stress of paying bills, taking tests, and other adult things. I'm just really grateful I have this time to rest, to sleep to my hearts content and to focus on getting better. I'm just really grateful I have the opportunity to participate in intramural sports which gives me 3 hours a week of doing things I LOVE and mostly forgetting about my pain and sickness. I'm just grateful for those who randomly stop by and visit, who bring me treats and in general are kind souls. When the doctor told me my diagnosis 10 months ago, I really didn't know what to expect. he told me that it can take a long time to treat ranging from 9 months to even 2 years. But of course, you always expect to be different. My mind couldn't handle thinking about being sick that far out, I still can't. But here I am 10 months later and how did I do it? How did I stay sane and happy and full of faith for so long with so many treatments and little improvement? Honestly, I have no idea. Honestly, these months have FLOWN by. Honestly, I can't even believe it.

but, this Mormon Message came to mind:
Daily Bread: Experience
https://youtu.be/tJKmXtoMI5s

And in case you don't want to watch it, I've dictated my favorite parts...which happened to be most of it:)
"I think what we have to do when the pressures are there and the clouds are dark and threatening is take life a day at a time. It helps at times not to think too far ahead and just do what the day requires. "Give us this day our daily bread." We are not anticipating the hardship or suffering that might be entailed. We sometimes just need to break it down to this moment, this day. And while deliverance isn't immediate and you may not see the end, still you've got enough for the day."

"When this [the trial] began happening in my life, my prayer was, "give me a miracle, solve this problem," and it took a while to finally come to the point of saying, "I'm content to get daily help and let it take what time it takes, knowing that I am relying upon God. It's been a blessing ever since...because what it meant for my relationship with Him. Maybe the greatest blessing is to have to walk through it with Him."

-Elder D. Todd Christofferson

All I can say to that is, YESSSS! I am content. I don't need it to end now, I don't need it to go away, I am content to get daily help and rely on God for as long as it takes. I don't need to know when it will end, I actually don't want to, cause that might be terrifying and overwhelming. And in the spirit of authenticity, I don't want you all to think I'm perfect in my patience. It has definitely been a HUGE process over the past 2.5 years. I read back on my journals from the beginning of my mission when I got a cold and got knocked out for a few days and I lost my patience , wondering "when, oh when, will actually be able to be a missionary and bless the lives here." Reading that, I just smile, that knowing smile, Sister Pike had no idea what she was in for. Or when I got frustrated with myself for getting sick once a week. Or when it got worse and I was sleeping for a whole week. Then a month. It was a process, you see. Each time I got sick, my patience would last longer, before I became overwhelmed with my physical inadequacies. Then I would pray, sometimes in tears, asking for a miracle or a solution to be found. Sometimes I received, others I continued to wait with renewed patience and additional comfort. As the years have passed, those days of feeling overwhelmed and depressed have more and more days in between. They still happen, but relief is always a prayer away. Comfort. Guidance. Direction. Peace. All, just a prayer away.

This is my life, I am living it to it's fullest. I know that my life is completely different from all my peers, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. And now to end with one of my favorite quotes from Women's Conference, that I know to be true,"God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to have joy! So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world will become brighter."-Pres. Ucthdorf

Have joy!

My Spring: 2015

So, due to the incredible amount of feedback I received from my last post, I've decided to make a blog actually separate from my mission blog! I just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone who read and my last posts from April and supported me, I have definitely felt the love and it was definitely a good way to update everyone with the WHOLE picture without repeating myself 500x times. 

For starters, I cannot believe it has been 2 months since my last update! That's unreal! I joked with my roommates that this spring term at BYU has flown by so fast for me that it almost feels like I just slept through it! And then she reminded me that that was actually a pretty true statement considering I spend 12 to 14 to 16 hours a day asleep. Every day. It's crazy, I'm well aware. 

Looking back, I suppose a great deal has actually changed in these past two months although based on my weakness/tiredness and general level of sickness, it's difficult to tell. But I figure recounting the details of my California trip from last month will explain a lot. After BYU's finals week, My roommates Kristin, Jen and I decided to take a road trip to California where Kristin is from! Can I just say that going on vacation with people that have been living with you and completely understand your sickness is the greatest. Basically, it was super chill. We went to the beach, we visited family, we went to the San Diego temple and Kristin made sure to not plan anything before noon so I could be sure to sleep in. And then, as a super special bonus, one of Kristin's friends works at Disneyland and was therefore able to get all 3 of us in FOR FREE. The happiest place on earth just got happier everybody! And as expected, we wanted to go to Disneyland as early as possible and stay as long as possible, but considering my current state of sleepiness and tiredness, we were completely prepared for whatever my body could handle. They offered to go later, let me leave to take a nap then come back, leave earlier and even give me access to a free wheel chair! But I prayed that I would be able to make the most of it and I did! It was truly a miracle. Not only did we go earlier and stay until closing, but I was basically on pure adrenaline the whole day. Not only did I not need the wheelchair, but I led the way the whole time (even though I had no idea where I was going most of the time.) It was magical. And we totally didn't feel guilty at all for spending money on the park food since it was actually pretty reasonably priced and we got in for free. And, every time I got even a little tired, we just ate! And that seemed to do the trick, I got my day. 

The next day, however, was a completely different story. I literally couldn't get out of bed until 1 pm and then even after that I was still extremely tired and fighting a cold and so we stayed inside a watched movies. All. Day. Long. 

And so that's how it is, my friends! I either get ridiculous amounts of sleep everyday or if I want a whole day, I pay for it the next. That example was pretty enjoyable seeing as we were on vacation and didn't have anything else to do anyway, but it happened once again when my roommates and I took a trip to Idaho. We woke up at 8am, drove, went to temple, went to a baby shower, drove some more, went to a different temple, went to a wedding reception, then drove some more and got home around midnight. Super full day! Super fun day! 

Went to bed at midnight and tried to wake up for visiting teaching, nope! church at 1pm? nope! I woke up at 3:30, ate a smoothie then went back to bed till 7pm. I was asleep for 16 hours!!! Did it end there? Nope! The next day, memorial day, I was also in bed until about 5 pm. To say that day knocked me out is an understatement. So I actually need to be really careful. 

Recently, I read a blog post explaining the difficultly of chronic illness by comparing them to spoons: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

I read this for the first time a view months ago, but it recently showed up on my Facebook feed again and I could not stop thinking about it. It fits my situation perfectly! I feel like a different person these days, planning one activity a day, being vague about my future plans and ability to participate in events, bailing last minute because I just don't feel up to it, subconsciously "counting my spoons" and calculating my life. It seems like I'm given very few spoons these days, but I'm trying my best to make my life fun, productive and worthwhile. It can be very difficult accomplishing everything I want to do or even righteously desire to do, but I just keep on trying to be my best and I am happy. It's not about comparing my life to others. It's not about setting ridiculous expectations for myself. It's about taking what I've been given and making the best of it. 

Something else I have been extremely grateful for is heavenly guidance. At the beginning of spring term, I felt a little antsy after being out of school for so long and feeling a little better about my sickness. I was sleeping in until 12 or 1 pm, but I figured I would be able to take a class spring term as long as it was in the afternoon! I talked with my parents, my doctor, prayed about it and it all felt so right. So I looked into it and found the perfect class, Technical Communication, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 2-4 pm. Meaning, even if I could only be productive in the afternoon, I would have plenty of time to work on homework and go to class. Unfortunately, I missed the first day of class so in order to add the class, I had to attend and ask for an add code from my professor. Unfortunately, more than one person thought this was the perfect class and about 6 other people showed up for the add code with only one open spot. I walked away from that class thinking, "What am I supposed to do now??" I walked to the nearest bench in the empty halls and prayed, "What in the world do you want me to do?" Then got up and went to the library to figure out what other classes I could take. One other available, Biology 100, 8-10 am. Ouch. I haven't gotten up before 10 in months. But, if that's what I should do, I'll do it! So I headed to the bookstore to find the book I needed. On the way, I ran into a mission friend, Sister Pettijohn! I told her my dilemma and plan and she suggested I do BYU Independent Study instead! I wasn't too fond of the idea of not attending an actual class, but it piqued my curiosity and I looked into it. To my surprise, it was $200 dollars cheaper! And the textbook required was only a fraction of the price! I'm a sucker for bargains and I figured there was no way I could not pass this up. I had a year to complete this course, but I figured it would just be way easier if I kept to a schedule, did all my work on campus and treat it like a regular spring class and get it over with. This would be perfect, right? 

Haha. Wrong. Life is just hilarious like that. Within days, I went to a new doctor, started a new intense treatment which had one little side effect, I felt so exhausted and tired ALL THE TIME. Not only was I sleeping for ridiculous amounts of time, but the times I was awake, I felt too drugged to even think about doing something productive like going on campus and doing homework. It didn't take long for me to realize that this independent study class was EXACTLY what I needed. It didn't take long for me to realize that if I had done either of the other spring term classes I was considering, I would've had to drop out almost instantly. It didn't take me long to realize that even though my parents, my other doctor, or I had any idea what was in my not-so-distant future, but my loving Heavenly Father did. And because He loves me and cares for me, He let me know. And I am SO grateful for that. And so even though I didn't get the class over with as planned, I still have plenty of time and no stress. It really turned out to be perfect.

I just want everyone to know, I don't write to become famous or popular and it wasn't my first instinct to share my story, but I know that everyone goes through hard things and we can each learn really cool things through our various situations in life. Being genuine can be hard, but in the end, it's the best way that we can help each other. I know most of  your lives are not even close to similar to mine, but I hope that you can realize that you have as many tender mercies in your life as I do and by living the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we can truly live the best lives.

Amping Kanunay, 

Mary

Update: part 2

So I wrote that part in January, still really unsure where life was going, but in an effort to keep people posted. Well, I didn't end up finishing it until now (April 8) so that was kinda a fail.

Wow, It has been about 2.5 months since I wrote. And so much has changed. I tried to drop half my classes and still continue, I even kept attending the lectures of my dropped classes to make it easier for when I actually had to take them, but things kept getting worse. My doctor at the time put me on antibiotics and tried to give me ADD meds to stay awake and nausea medicine, but nothing was really helping. The straw that broke the camels back was a accidentally ate gluten a week or two later and that knocked me out for a whole week. I tried SO hard to keep going, keep up with classes and homework, but it was physically impossible. In a very hard decision, but VERY inspired, I withdrew from all my classes and decided on focusing the rest of the semester on resting, doctors appointments, healthy eating and general recovery. I decided to stay in Utah for this recovery and not return back to my parent's house in Texas mostly because I've heard how hard it is to stay positive and many cases of Lyme are also followed by depression and I didn't think my mental health could handle it. Through it all, I'm so grateful for Provo. For the fact I live with my best friends and the nicest people on the planet. For the fact I have so many mission friends around and I get to see them so frequently. For the MTC just up the street and for my opportunity to use my Cebuano to serve others. For the temple just down the road and for my chances to serve in my student ward as visiting teacher and Sunday school teacher. To be able to serve and feel needed. Service is the best way to handle something hard because it gives you a chance to truly forget yourself and focus on others. It's the best medicine.

My mom was also kind enough to drive up here for 2 weeks and help me navigate doctors and what to do next. People have been SO nice and have given so many recommendations, but after doctor #4, I made my mom promise that we would see these through rather than going from doctor to doctor to doctor and never really following through.

#1 To his credit, he FOUND my Lyme disease which is really difficult apparently. But his treatment was to take various antibiotics for a year which we were willing to try. Problems: super hard to keep in touch with, he gave me no expectations (timeline, symptoms, etc.). At one point, my symptoms got way worse, but for all I knew, that was normal! When my mom told the nurse, she said, well of course you should call as soon as something is wrong! But I had no idea. It was hard.

#2 Basically only took me because of my positive blood test. Even ran it again just to be sure- Yep! Same results. Definitely positive. His treatment was an antibiotic via IV for 30 days. EVERY SINGLE DAY. My mom and I weren't convinced that was all it took based on all our research, but we figured it was worth a shot and a quick way (relatively) to rule out one of our options. Problems: even though I had the positive blood test, he kinda made me feel like I was crazy, like it was all in my head. I've been through that quite a bit on my medical journey and it is hard! I saw him every week throughout the treatment (Feb 20-March 22) and my main complaints (fatigue and nausea) Didn't really improve. Like at all. I'm just so glad I didn't invest all my hope in that treatment because that would've been really discouraging. But the whole time he was asking if I was going back to school and exercising everyday, no, crazy! I have zero desire to do that, because nothing has changed! Most of all, he just made me feel like my symptoms were not a big deal and it's a part of life. Which made me mad because I didn't just drop my classes because I got this positive blood test. I tried and tried and tried and pushed myself to the limit of my physical and mental and emotional capacity, and this guy just wasn't really buying it. By the end, I kinda just ignored everything he said and was excited to be done with it.

#3 By far my favorite. He is a naturopathic doctor and I never thought I would choose this alternative approach, but I strangely have the most faith in him. He just seemed to understand. He didn't make me feel like I was crazy. He made me feel like-"woah, your body is really messed up and it will take a lot of different approaches and it won't be an easy fix, but you will get better. You will be able to move on with your life." He gave me hope. I actually started seeing this doctor about a week after Doctor #2 because he really gave me perspective. It made sense to me that I would need to change my diet (avoid dairy and sugars) and that my body needed supplements to help it fight off these multiple infections ( I tested positive for 3 herpes viruses that like to come back when your immune is shot like, you know, when it's destroyed by Lyme disease.) It just really made sense! Also, it's no coincidence that every single person who has said they or a friend had Lyme disease recommended alternative approaches to medicine. I think all the normal doctors just made them feel a little crazy.

So here I am, April 8, 2015. I'm taking lots of supplements, on an alkaline diet, and a homeopathic therapy where I take a mouthful of gross liquid stuff every 3 days for the next 2 months. I sleep until 1pm everyday. I sit on my couch and rest like it's my day job. I read the newspaper, lots of books, watch netflix, enjoy listening to General Conference talks, eating fruits and vegetables and talking to my friends. Occasionally I'll attend a living Prophets class on campus. Occasionally I'll play a game of basketball or tennis (that's a new one) or frisbee or (insert sport here). I don't know when I'll finish school, I don't know when I'll stop being tired, I don't know my summer plans, and I don't know what my future holds, BUT I do know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for me. I do know that his son, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for me so that I will not be alone during the hard times. I do know HE is the PRINCE of PEACE and I have been given that peace in abundance that speaks to me saying, "everything will be alright". I do know that this sickness is helping me develop the Christ-like attributes of patience, humility, long-suffering, trust, faith, diligence, hope and obedience. I do know that I want to draw near unto Him in every moment because that's what gives me true happiness. And to quote Elder Teixiera from general conference, "I know by personal experience that the joy of living in righteousness and abiding in Christ can continue despite the tribulations characteristic of mortality." And I do know that I am happy. This is an update of my life:)

Until I get around to updating you again,
Mary

An Update: Sister Pike in 2015.

-I wrote this January 26, 2015-

Hello! So I'm back from my mission in the Philippines and I've been home for just over 6 months. So what now? A few months ago, my mom was saying how much she missed my letters and how so many people were asking about me and wanted to know how I was doing. I kinda brushed it off, I'm no blogger! But things have changed and for some reason unbeknownst to me, I feel the need to share this. 

If any of you know anything about my mission in the Philippines Tacloban Mission, you will know one thing. It was crazy. Seriously. Who knew someone could have so many things happen to them in a short amount of time! Mysterious virus...crazy bad eye infection...super typhoon...more mysterious sicknesses... It really is a miracle I made it through! The last month of my mission was particularly rough and I was super sick the whole time! So President Andaya told me to go home a transfer early. Actually he said I think you should but you should definitely pray about it. So I did! It was hard initially, but I received a strong confirmation that it was the right thing so I moved forward and never looked back! When I finally got home, I was still sick and had nearly reached celebrity status in my ward. "Ohmygosh, you don't know me but I've heard all about you and your mission was so hard you are just so amazing. I'm so sorry...blah, blah, blah." Don't get me wrong, I appreciate these people and their concern for me, but I just felt so unable to tell my side of the story! It's like they didn't get it! Every time this happened I just wanted to scream, "DON'T BE SORRY! I loved my mission. Every second of it. Every sick day (143) included.  If I could change anything, I would change nothing at all. Yeah, all these things were really hard and challenging, but I LEARNED! I GREW! And that's the whole point. I saw miracles. Developed a personal relationship with my Savior. Came to learn of my own nothingness, but also the incredible ability of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to make us better, stronger than we ever could have on our own. Not to mention all the incredible blessings I received: angel companions, other missionaries, Mission Presidents and their wives, so many people who looked after me and loved me and helped me in countless ways. But unfortunately it's really hard to bear testimony of these things in 2 second conversations with strangers. So I would just smile and say thank you and lament their distorted view of my reality. And I felt the same way about the super typhoon! How do you answer a question in passing, "How was the typhoon?" Uh...It was hard? But nothing I really say to you in this 5 minute conversation can really cover my true feelings on it. So why bother?

Now, you're all probably thinking, what does this have to do with your life 7 months later? Good question. Fast forward to August. After spending a month in bed reading 15 novels and being too nauseous and weak to really do anything with my life except to be dragged to various doctor appointments, FINALLY an answer came. FINALLY! Do you know what's worse than being sick? Not knowing anything about it. Really. It's the worst. Mostly because you need to reality check yourself all the time. Is this real? Or is it in my head? Will this prevent me from living a normal life? No one knows. The answer: I do not have Celiac disease, but I am gluten intolerant! Is that even possible? Yes. What is my reaction? If I accidentally eat some, which has happened a few times, I'm totally fine for 3 days then I die essentially. Both times I stay in my room and sleep ALL day and have really bad stomach pains which linger for about a week as drag myself around trying to keep up in school. I've learned quickly that I don't ever want to accidentally eat gluten ever again. Answer part 2: I have a weird chemical imbalance which I need supplements to fix so between these pills and my new gluten-free diet, I got better! Woohoo! After 3.5 months of weakness, tiredness and constant nausea, I was ecstatic. I was able to return back to BYU! Play basketball again! Racquetball again! Reunite with some of my favorite people in the world! Life was good. Really, really good. 

BUT...I still got pretty sick. Luckily, my sister and I worked out a pretty easy schedule so I could ease my way back to school and I was able to mostly survive the semester, but the huge problem was every time I would have a major test, I would get way sick! Can you say, worst timing ever? It was horrible. Don't even get me started on finals week...it was a nightmare to say the least. But I survived with mostly okay grades and that was that. When my family came up for Christmas break, she took me to a specialist, highly recommended, dealing with fatigue problems which was perfect timing because all throughout the semester I had problems on and off but after finals week and the start of Christmas break, it wasn't going anywhere. Constant nausea and weakness/tiredness, it's not that easy! So he looked at my ginormous file of medical records and tests and told me that I probably have a disease or virus that I picked up in the Philippines that my body can fight MOST of the time but when it gets stressed or sick from other things, it's just too much to handle and it comes back. It made so much sense! So he ordered about 30 blood tests and waited to figure it out. 

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. Still kinda nauseous and tired, but mostly super excited for a new start. New classes that will be difficult and challenging. New year. I'm pumped. I had been taking probiotics and stomach enzymes to help my stomach to no avail. And that's when it started going downhill. I would get done with my classes at noon and NEED to go home and take a nap. Getting out of bed to go to class in the morning was a huge chore. There were multiple times I would be at home and stand up to go somewhere only to dive to the floor because I was so weak! And then I proceeded to laugh like a crazy person because of the ridiculousness of the situation. Needless to say, my roommates were worried. My parents were worried. I was worried about my complete inability to do my homework and get the things done that I need to. I was given a pill that would help my energy and I was supposed to be getting better, but it just felt like I was getting worse! My energy was so crazy, my endurance was about 3 hours then I would just crash! All the while, I attended all of my classes, saw my friends on campus, went to basketball games, went to my Zumba class with a smile on my face. No one had any idea. They still don't, actually. My roommates, they see it all, but 95% of my day-to-day interactions have no clue. I think it's hilarious. Am I really that good of an actor? Or maybe it's because most of my day-to-day interactions see me in my good hours of the day. 

On Thursday, my mom called and said the doctor got my tests back and say it's positive for Lyme disease! What is that? I don't even know. So finally, long overdue, I asked for a priesthood blessing. Can I just say blessings are the best?! Seriously, my life would be 500x more difficult without them. I didn't receive a blessing of some miraculous healing, but I did receive some much needed guidance, direction and comfort and often, at least for me, that's all I really need. I received a blessing to learn to manage my symptoms, to learn what treatment to do, to learn his will and follow his desires for my life, to turn to the scriptures and prayer for guidance and as always, to continue to radiate happiness and my love of the Savior.

Soon after, I headed up to Bear Lake for a weekend long mission reunion. I still wasn't feeling great, but it was exactly what I needed. All these people asked about how my sickness was doing and I could give them a real answer! They are all well acquainted with everything that happened my mission. These people know me. They were with me through all the months and months of hard things and they just get it! No more hiding what I'm really feeling, no more pretending everything is alright. I still had to take naps and opt out of activities due to weakness, but I just loved being around everyone, talking and laughing, it was the best!

Tuesday was rough. Still behind on homework. Still weak. tired. very nauseous. unmotivated. And while talking with my parents and sisters, it became very clear that I needed to drop some classes in order to keep up with everything and keep my stress low. But I was optimistic. I was gonna keep going and doing the best that I can. My life was seriously about to change.