Hey. So... I should've written this a LONG time ago. Why didn't I? Mostly cause life has been crazy. But also because I'm afraid that by writing it out I'll somehow jinx the universe, but mostly because I know what it's like to see someone in the same hard boat as you and then move on with you just still stuck. It's the worst. In fact, last April I felt the same thing. It was BYU graduation and my news feeds were plastered with happy faces of BYU graduates. Where was I? Not graduating. Not only not graduating, but not even in the same state and not even sure when graduating would become a possibility. It was so hard. Sure I was happy for my friends. I knew they had been working hard and anticipating this day for forever, but it was still hard. If you're in that boat, still waiting patiently for blessings to come, just know that I know what you're going through and I am thinking of you.
But, that being said I wanted to give an update of my life and overall journey of health. Last time I wrote, I was working full-time in Idaho Falls as a Civil Engineering intern. Health was definitely still a struggle, but it was something I kinda just accepted would be there for the rest of my life. My new normal. That was hard to accept. BUT I got to return to school time in Fall and it was AMAZING!!! Well, I was absolutely terrified at first. I kid you not, I spent the entire first day crying (I didn't have any classes) and having a panic attack that I would push myself too hard, relapse and need to drop out of school. January 2015 came looming in my memory, you know, the time I got diagnosed with Lyme struggled for a month to do school than completely dropped out. It was not a great semester for me, as you can imagine. It was the epitome of pushing myself too hard and running my health into the ground and I was just so so so so so so afraid that I was willingly signing up for a repeat. I was also even more nervous because it was my first semester of Senior year meaning ALL upper level engineering classes and a job, which I have never successfully done before either.
But guess what? It was nothing like that semester, in fact it was nothing like any semester I had ever had before. I soon found that I was not only surviving, I was thriving. I was easily staying ahead and on top of all of my classes. It was truly a miracle. What's more, I thought that by having such large gaps in my education, I would have a disadvantage compared to my classmates. Did I ever feel behind or disadvantaged? Nope. In fact, I felt quite the opposite. I felt like I had a superpower that was fueling me. Gratitude. Excitement. Passion. Most students entering their senior year are a mix of burned out and apathetic. "Senioritis" is what's it's commonly called. Many people would ask me if I was excited to graduate soon, but I'm thinking, I'm just getting started! And I was just so so so so grateful that I could be there and so so so so grateful that I could work hard and do my very best. I wasn't even bothered by the 9-13 hour days spent on campus. Each day, I came home exhausted, but so so so so happy that I could finally do the things that I loved. That I had been waiting for. Finally able to fully engage in school and truly live up to my potential.
Winter has been a little different. The flashbacks of January 2015 hit once again, worried that I spread myself too thin but also worried that something would stand in the way of me and my graduation again. Anxiety from the cold. But after surviving the GRE, first round of midterms, lining up a job as a Structural Engineer post-graduation, passing the FE, and applying for graduation, I realize that once again, I'm not just scraping by. I am doing amazing things not in spite of but BECAUSE of everything I went through. Isn't that amazing?
Isn't amazing that by having our lives fall apart, they can be rebuilt on a stronger foundation? That's the main reason I've felt strongly that I need to write this. I am a witness that God makes beautiful people out of hard circumstances. Bad things happen to good people because it makes them stronger and more prepared for the marvelous blessings ahead. But I also know that miracles don't happen to everyone. Not even all the faithful. Healing doesn't occur in the way we expect, hope for and pray for. It may take months, years or even a lifetime. But it will come. And meanwhile, there are miracles all around. Maybe not the miracles you want, but the miracles you need. You have the tools you need to make it through and be happy.
And what about my new normal? The fire is definitely getting bigger! (see last blog for analogy). I still need to be mindful of my health. I still get 8 hours of sleep every night (and I will forever because it's the best!). I still drink herbal tea and use essential oils and foot-zoning and emotion coding and most of all I still am very vigilant of stress because I really think that is where all sickness begins. But, I can eat gluten, sugar and dairy without feeling sick (say WHAT?! If you want to know more, message me, but you need to be very open minded) but I also know enough about health that I will continue to eat as healthy as possible. But guess what? In the past 6 months, I've only missed a handful of half days due to seasonal sicknesses! And I'm pretty sure I have never had to cancel any plans because of sickness. THIS IS HUGE. I only occasionally take naps on Sunday. Seriously, I feel like a new person. I'm not scared of not having food available to eat anymore. I'm not scared of getting sick anymore. Armed with the tools I learned from so many different sources and people, I still feel so empowered and grateful for everything I have learned. Steven has also been helped by my knowledge (he used to be intolerant to corn, potatoes, and dairy) but now we are so happy to actually be able to eat the same meal:). Being healthy can get expensive, but it is really worth it and I'm so grateful we started off our married life being able to put our health first.
I'm kinda worried that this is just a rant about how awesome my life is, but I just really want to emphasize that whether these things had happened or not, whether I was healed or not, life would still be wonderfully marvelous because I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows what I'm going through and cares about me as an individual. I have a Savior who suffered and died for me and continues to help me through stressful times and uncertain futures. I have a personal relationship with each of them and am able to receive power daily through following their counsel, reading the scriptures and staying true to my covenants. Hardships come to everyone in every shape and size. What worked for me may not work for you, but Heavenly Father has a personal, individual plan for you that is more wonderful than you could possibly imagine. Hang in there.
-Mary
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Sunday, August 20, 2017
My New Normal
I have been meaning to write this for a really, really long time, but I've had a hard time knowing exactly how to explain everything UNTIL I talked to my mom last week. With that, came a heavy realization that was quite frankly, hard to swallow. And I started to write... but then got distracted as it always goes. But today, I received a wonderful priesthood blessing from my husband to give me comfort and direction as I resume school in the coming weeks and I was told to share my story because there are others who need it. I was told that there are many lessons that I've learned that people need to know and Heavenly Father will be able to bless their lives through me, so here goes nothing.
Last time I wrote, I was still sick, but getting so much via foot zoning! And I have been so much better! I've been working full-time as an intern at an awesome civil engineering firm in Idaho Falls. The fact that I can wake up at 6, go to work for 8-9 hours and not be dead is a miracle. What's more, for the past 6 months I've had a calling that kept me busy most evenings after work and I still survived! Working these pst 8 months has been such a blessing and now I have the opportunity to go back to school full-time at BYU and I'll be done in June. For those who have been following my story, this will probably be the most miraculous thing of all. During my sick days, the very hardest thing for me to handle was not being sick everyday for months on end, but rather the fact that I had NO idea when it would end. I had no idea if I would ever be able to work full-time. I knew I would graduate someday because graduating from BYU has been my biggest dream, I've already put thousands of dollars, SO much hard work and 4 years of my life, but I had no idea when that would be. I felt like I was trapped in fog and I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. But during that time, I did grow to understand that I could walk through the fog, with my Savior's help and I could make progress and I could be happy.
Well, the fog is finally, slowly disappearing and I can see into my future for the first time in YEARS. It's a wonderful feeling. I'm also quite aware that even if my future changes from the course I see ahead, I'm all the better for it.
That being said, these past 8 months have been HARD. Every Saturday I feel like I need to sleep all day to recover from the week. After every vacation I get really sick. I dealt with a lot of anxiety from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've had leaky gut/candida overgrowth twice which is the opposite of fun. I've missed about 12 days of work, I've been late and worked countless half days. And through these experiences, I've learned that although I have a new level of health, that health is very fragile. I have to do SO much every day, being constantly vigilant and diligent to carefully guard the health I do have. It's been really hard to accept this as my new reality because when you think of being well and recovering, you think, I can do everything I did before! And it's really disappointing to realize that life may never actually be the same.
As I was pondering this, I had the mental image of myself trying to start a fire. I was trying so hard for so long and finally, a little flame appeared. Is this the time to walk away and expect it to continue to burn brightly? No! Of course not. You continue to build it up, stick by stick, protecting it from the elements until it's big and you can step back and enjoy it's warmth. Even when it's large, can you walk away from it forever, never put forth any effort and still expect it to keep burning? Again, no. You will always need to continue to feed the fire and if you see it getting smaller, build it up again, log by log.
My fire is burning, but it's still small. No matter how much I wish it could be otherwise, gluten, dairy and sugar still make me more sick than I would like. Not getting enough sleep or not taking my supplements and teas, not foot zoning myself, being exposed to toxins, all make me more sick than I would like. Being diligent about these things was so much easier when health was the sole goal of my life, but now that I have busy days and long weeks, it's been a steep learning curve figuring out how to make it all work and it's still a struggle, but I'm making so much progress. I have learned so much. I have become much more dependent and able to figure out answers for myself. I taught myself how to foot zone (kinda) and that's been a huge blessing. I'm learning more about essential oils that I love to diffuse and I discover a new awesome herbal tea all the time. I use the emotion code every single day (see http://www.drbradleynelson.com/the-emotion-code/ if you're interested in learning more) and mostly I just feel so empowered! Before when I felt sick (all the time) I had no idea why. Was it something I ate? Am I continually being exposed to something that is making it worse? I had no idea. But now I have the tools to figure it out, to make changes and to get well! I'm definitely still learning, but I find more and more that discovering a passion to learn truth, wherever it may be, to help me and my family and I love it. I never, ever, ever, ever would've imagined myself doing what I do and using natural medicine, but I can never, ever imagine living any other way because this has helped me so much and I cannot deny that.
I also cannot deny the blessings that have come from staying faithful, from enduring well and putting my trust in my Heavenly Father to lead me along. As I look back on the years of doctors, at the time it felt like fruitless wanderings, but I now see a clear path leading me to exactly where I need to be and that shaped me into exactly who I need to be. Heavenly Father is so kind and loving. He love me. He loves you. And He wants us to reach our full potential and we simply cannot achieve that without His guidance and without the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ. I rely on Christ's power and mercy so much to overcome, to endure and I cannot imagine my life without Him be my side. I know that God has a plan for each of us that is more beautiful than we could ever imagine. I know sometime that plan involves pain and heartache, but I also know that as we turn to Him and seek to follow His will, we can always find joy in our journeys.
Last time I wrote, I was still sick, but getting so much via foot zoning! And I have been so much better! I've been working full-time as an intern at an awesome civil engineering firm in Idaho Falls. The fact that I can wake up at 6, go to work for 8-9 hours and not be dead is a miracle. What's more, for the past 6 months I've had a calling that kept me busy most evenings after work and I still survived! Working these pst 8 months has been such a blessing and now I have the opportunity to go back to school full-time at BYU and I'll be done in June. For those who have been following my story, this will probably be the most miraculous thing of all. During my sick days, the very hardest thing for me to handle was not being sick everyday for months on end, but rather the fact that I had NO idea when it would end. I had no idea if I would ever be able to work full-time. I knew I would graduate someday because graduating from BYU has been my biggest dream, I've already put thousands of dollars, SO much hard work and 4 years of my life, but I had no idea when that would be. I felt like I was trapped in fog and I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. But during that time, I did grow to understand that I could walk through the fog, with my Savior's help and I could make progress and I could be happy.
Well, the fog is finally, slowly disappearing and I can see into my future for the first time in YEARS. It's a wonderful feeling. I'm also quite aware that even if my future changes from the course I see ahead, I'm all the better for it.
That being said, these past 8 months have been HARD. Every Saturday I feel like I need to sleep all day to recover from the week. After every vacation I get really sick. I dealt with a lot of anxiety from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've had leaky gut/candida overgrowth twice which is the opposite of fun. I've missed about 12 days of work, I've been late and worked countless half days. And through these experiences, I've learned that although I have a new level of health, that health is very fragile. I have to do SO much every day, being constantly vigilant and diligent to carefully guard the health I do have. It's been really hard to accept this as my new reality because when you think of being well and recovering, you think, I can do everything I did before! And it's really disappointing to realize that life may never actually be the same.
As I was pondering this, I had the mental image of myself trying to start a fire. I was trying so hard for so long and finally, a little flame appeared. Is this the time to walk away and expect it to continue to burn brightly? No! Of course not. You continue to build it up, stick by stick, protecting it from the elements until it's big and you can step back and enjoy it's warmth. Even when it's large, can you walk away from it forever, never put forth any effort and still expect it to keep burning? Again, no. You will always need to continue to feed the fire and if you see it getting smaller, build it up again, log by log.
My fire is burning, but it's still small. No matter how much I wish it could be otherwise, gluten, dairy and sugar still make me more sick than I would like. Not getting enough sleep or not taking my supplements and teas, not foot zoning myself, being exposed to toxins, all make me more sick than I would like. Being diligent about these things was so much easier when health was the sole goal of my life, but now that I have busy days and long weeks, it's been a steep learning curve figuring out how to make it all work and it's still a struggle, but I'm making so much progress. I have learned so much. I have become much more dependent and able to figure out answers for myself. I taught myself how to foot zone (kinda) and that's been a huge blessing. I'm learning more about essential oils that I love to diffuse and I discover a new awesome herbal tea all the time. I use the emotion code every single day (see http://www.drbradleynelson.com/the-emotion-code/ if you're interested in learning more) and mostly I just feel so empowered! Before when I felt sick (all the time) I had no idea why. Was it something I ate? Am I continually being exposed to something that is making it worse? I had no idea. But now I have the tools to figure it out, to make changes and to get well! I'm definitely still learning, but I find more and more that discovering a passion to learn truth, wherever it may be, to help me and my family and I love it. I never, ever, ever, ever would've imagined myself doing what I do and using natural medicine, but I can never, ever imagine living any other way because this has helped me so much and I cannot deny that.
I also cannot deny the blessings that have come from staying faithful, from enduring well and putting my trust in my Heavenly Father to lead me along. As I look back on the years of doctors, at the time it felt like fruitless wanderings, but I now see a clear path leading me to exactly where I need to be and that shaped me into exactly who I need to be. Heavenly Father is so kind and loving. He love me. He loves you. And He wants us to reach our full potential and we simply cannot achieve that without His guidance and without the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ. I rely on Christ's power and mercy so much to overcome, to endure and I cannot imagine my life without Him be my side. I know that God has a plan for each of us that is more beautiful than we could ever imagine. I know sometime that plan involves pain and heartache, but I also know that as we turn to Him and seek to follow His will, we can always find joy in our journeys.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Fall 2016
So, I actually wrote a post a few months ago, but I've noticed I always seem to post in groups of two. I.e. I write a post, don't publish it, wait a few months then write another post and post them both at the same time cause posting is actually really hard. You'd think as an owner of a blog I would be used to it by now. You'd think after having so much incredibly positive feedback after each one, it would be a breeze. But it's not cause it's hard to be vulnerable. But it is so worth it. I'm always grateful when people share their struggles and when they can connect with mine, no matter how different they are in, because that's what really connects us. It's what makes meaningful friendships and I'm so grateful.
Okay, huge update though. I'M IN SCHOOL!!!! This is a big deal everybody. I'm in 2 classes, Bio 100( my last G.E.) and Structural Analysis. That second was is a HUGE deal to me because, A, it's really hard and time consuming and requires sitting down for 3-4 hours thinking about 2 problems, and B, I've attempted to take this class multiple times and I was in this class for one month a year and a half ago and it was the worst because no matter how much I wanted to do it and knew I had to, I was physically unable to and it killed me. I ended up having to drop all my classes that semester which was one of the hardest and in hindsight best things I've ever done. So how am I faring now? I LOVE it. For the average student, sitting down to 3 hours of homework is not exactly fun or empowering, but I walk away feeling on top of the world. I did it! I actually understood it! I was actually able to sit down and focus and accomplish things without thinking about my physical sickness! Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to do that? Too long. It's actually coming up on two years.
So what does this mean about my health? Am I better? Not exactly...I still feel kinda nauseated and get headaches more than the average human, BUT I will say I have made HUGE progress in my energy. Remember how I used to sleep 12-14 hours a day. Every day. For the past 1.5 years? Now, I go to bed at midnight and I physically cannot sleep in. Well, not to the extent I used to. Now, I wake up before my alarm at 8, 9 and 10 instead of 12, 1, and 2. I hardly ever need naps. I have been SO productive, I've completely forgotten everything that can be accomplished in a real day! This means school is super doable and on top of that, wedding planning has been a breeze. Seriously we planned everything in less than 3 weeks and we only have a handful of things to do in the next 2 months. It's awesome. WHO AM I??
So, what have I been doing? What's the secret? Well, a weeks ago, I discovered foot zoning and I believe that has made all the difference. I definitely believe acupuncture has helped over the past 8 months #1 to cope until I found something to help more and #2 just to get me in a position where I was taking care of myself in such a way that I was ready and doing everything in my power to heal and be better. This scripture particularly hits home when I think of the past year and a half:
But, as you've probably figured out, all of these things have fallen into place in just the last month in a way we never could've imagined. A week before we got engaged officially, we decided to get married November 19th and that I would get an internship (hopefully) while Steven goes to school in Rexburg, Idaho for the Winter and Spring semesters and then we'll come back to Provo for my school next fall while he does an internship. Because I sold my contract and bought a new one, I was able to sell that in 3 hours, 2 weeks before move in day and live with my aunt Debbie in Orem to save money and so I wouldn't need to pay rent for a month that I won't actually be there. Steven was sad that he wasn't able to renew his contract at his apartment in Provo with all his friends, but it ended up being a huge blessing of saving money while living with his parents in Orem. At this rate, I'll actually have a really healthy, successful semester and hopefully actually be ready for a full-time job in January. We are SO grateful we didn't get engaged in February and married in July. We are both SO grateful for the lessons we each learned in those 3 days of being broken up. I am so grateful for every single one of those promptings I followed and for how everything has played out and I'm just in awe at the blessing of my Heavenly Father. I'm in awe at the power of personal revelation and the gift that that is. I'm in awe at the peace that has been given each of us in really hard, unsure times that gave us the strength and patience to continue into the unknown. It's always worth it. ALWAYS. And I'm grateful always for my Savior, for my trials and for everything I've learned in these past few years. They are priceless and so very precious to me. There are still a lot of unknowns, but I don't even care because I know that everything will all work out. And even in the times where things aren't working out, there is joy in the journey.
Okay, huge update though. I'M IN SCHOOL!!!! This is a big deal everybody. I'm in 2 classes, Bio 100( my last G.E.) and Structural Analysis. That second was is a HUGE deal to me because, A, it's really hard and time consuming and requires sitting down for 3-4 hours thinking about 2 problems, and B, I've attempted to take this class multiple times and I was in this class for one month a year and a half ago and it was the worst because no matter how much I wanted to do it and knew I had to, I was physically unable to and it killed me. I ended up having to drop all my classes that semester which was one of the hardest and in hindsight best things I've ever done. So how am I faring now? I LOVE it. For the average student, sitting down to 3 hours of homework is not exactly fun or empowering, but I walk away feeling on top of the world. I did it! I actually understood it! I was actually able to sit down and focus and accomplish things without thinking about my physical sickness! Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to do that? Too long. It's actually coming up on two years.
So what does this mean about my health? Am I better? Not exactly...I still feel kinda nauseated and get headaches more than the average human, BUT I will say I have made HUGE progress in my energy. Remember how I used to sleep 12-14 hours a day. Every day. For the past 1.5 years? Now, I go to bed at midnight and I physically cannot sleep in. Well, not to the extent I used to. Now, I wake up before my alarm at 8, 9 and 10 instead of 12, 1, and 2. I hardly ever need naps. I have been SO productive, I've completely forgotten everything that can be accomplished in a real day! This means school is super doable and on top of that, wedding planning has been a breeze. Seriously we planned everything in less than 3 weeks and we only have a handful of things to do in the next 2 months. It's awesome. WHO AM I??
So, what have I been doing? What's the secret? Well, a weeks ago, I discovered foot zoning and I believe that has made all the difference. I definitely believe acupuncture has helped over the past 8 months #1 to cope until I found something to help more and #2 just to get me in a position where I was taking care of myself in such a way that I was ready and doing everything in my power to heal and be better. This scripture particularly hits home when I think of the past year and a half:
"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." D&C 64:33
It made it all worth it when I go to the doctor and explain everything (for the 8th time) and he says things like, "Wow, you are being really proactive! You are really doing everything within your power to be well. I have no idea if I'll be able to help, but keep it up! I believe you will overcome this just with your diligence and attitude, eventually." And when I went to foot-zoning the first time, " I can tell you have a very healthy lifestyle and you eat very clean (healthy) and you're doing good stuff! It shouldn't take too much to help you." And it makes it all worth it.
So, what is foot-zoning? It's an alternative medicine where you basically just get a foot massage haha but it's also the idea that your foot is a map to the rest of your body so by looking at certain places that are hard, red, swollen, hurt when pressure is applied, you can tell what's going on in your body. For example, I learned (again) that my main problem was lots of toxins and heavy metals in my brain. That's why it was difficult for me to wake up, it seriously took me like an hour of laying in bed before I could actually do stuff, and the brain fog, difficulty concentrating. I also learned that I have thyroid issues (again) and I have a virus (again). So if I already knew these things, what difference would it make? I think the big difference is having an effective way of actually targeting each problem to lead to a solution. My favorite part too is it's probably the cheapest treatment and so far the most effective. AND I'm on like zero medicine. There were times I would take 20-30 pills EVERY DAY. She put me on tea twice a day and some essential oils and supplements and I've gradually worked down to 2 pills twice a day. It's amazing!!! And I feel the best I ever had during this whole thing. I found out about her because Steven went to her this summer and got major help with a bunch of stuff that he's been struggling with for a long time and she's helped other people and I know it sounds like a weird concept, but there are definitely real results and it's awesome. I'm hoping this progress will continue, I have a lot of hope.
I'm not going to lie, this year has been really hard. It's tried my faith more than ever before. I've had to use my faith more than ever before. But it's through this year that I've learned that faith more than just believing, it's doing. It's doing when it doesn't make any sense. It's doing when it's the last thing you want to do. It's breaking up for your boyfriend you've already set a temple date(February) even though you really, really want to marry him and he's the only thing that makes sense in the hardest year of your life and you know it will break his heart almost more than yours, but doing it anyway because that's what the spirit said to do. It's getting back together 3 days later, having zero idea if it will work out in the end or if it will just prolong heartbreak, but knowing you have to give it everything you have to give. It's continuing to drive from Provo to Draper and back everyday for 8 months with the hope that it will be worth it even though you still get sick so much. It's telling your boyfriend that he should transfer to BYU-Idaho even if that means leaving you behind because you're supposed to stay at BYU Provo, but you really, really don't want him to do that either because it will just complicate everything, but doing it anyway because the spirit. It's selling your contract in June and buying a new one for the next year even though you love your ward and apartment and landlord and roommates and it doesn't make any sense at all and you really don't want to, but once again, the spirit. It's deciding to get engaged even if you don't know if you'll get married within the next year or need to be long distance for 8 of those months. It's signing up for classes even though you really don't feel that much better and have no idea how you're going to make it. It's planning on working full-time in the Winter even though you have no idea if you'll be physically capable by then. It's switching supplements and stopping medicine in the hope that it will actually be worth it this time.
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| And here's a random picture of a very happy couple. |
-Mary
SUMMER!
Okay, I feel like time is flying by way too fast! Is summer already half way over?! Did I really write my previous post over 3 months ago?! I guess it could be a good thing, maybe. So, this past week, I hit my two years mark of being home and reading what I posted about it two years ago was pretty sobering and caused a lot of reflection.
As you already saw, I'M HOME! I'm not a missionary anymore! This is weird! I had the longest day of my life yesterday flying home. Literally 36 hours... with like 4 hours of airplane sleep, patay! But it's so good to be home! I'm really looking forward to reconnecting with you and getting caught up on all your life changes! (or just stalking you on Facebook...haha) In case you didn't know, I had the most amazing mission ever. THE CRAZIEST. but the best:) Wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm excited to go to the doctor, get better and see what other crazy adventures the Lord has in store for me.
P.s. I'm staying in Texas until the end of August and I'll head up to Provo again for school! SO stoaked.
p.p.s Isn't it scary how much I look EXACTLY like my mom? It's a sister pike thing...
Love, Mary --> I still can't believe that's actually my name... haha
So, it's pretty crazy to me that one of the most exciting things was to go to a doctor and get better and I feel like that's something I'm still doing! Which is crazy. But it's also important to remember how far I really have come. When I got home, I was in bed ALL day every day except for when my mom was dragging me to various doctor appointments. Going up the stairs left me out of breathe and ready to take a nap. I was still eating gluten. I still couldn't really see much out of my right eye. I didn't really want to do anything except read. Even when we went to a reunion, I was super tired and didn't participate much.
Fast forward two years: I still sleep a lot but it's probably only like 10 hours! I almost never take naps (except Sundays when I need to wake up early for church). I still drive to Draper 4 days a week for acupuncture and I'm still loving it. I love to go on long walks and sometimes I go to Seven Peaks by myself to get some exercise walking in the lazy river or treading water in the wave pool. I still read a lot. I can eat a lot more variety of food. Still no gluten, sometimes dairy (but usually with a pill). I still try to eat a lot of cooked vegetables, but I've been enjoying the fruits of summer too.
I huge change I saw this week is one of the reasons I haven't been able to do school for the past few semesters (besides a writing class) is because one of my symptoms was brain fog. I couldn't just sit down and concentrate so when I'm expected to do engineering classes where the homework is to sit down and concentrate for a few hours, it was just too much to handle. BUT last week a friend reached out and asked if I would be willing to tutor a guy who was in Calculus 2 this term and was desperate for help and would pay well. My first thought was, "NO WAY!!! I haven't taken that class in over 5 years! And it was the worst! And I haven't done a class with math in almost 2 years!" And my friend said that's what everyone said and that was way he was having such a hard time. Finally, I decided to give it a try and if I wasn't helpful at all, he could just find someone else. In preparation, I watched a YouTube video on the unit they were doing so I could be refreshed and maybe could actually help. Guess what?? It worked! I was helpful and I could explain stuff and I could do trig and integrals and derivatives, and for being math and everyone's least favorite of all the math classes, I loved it. It came back fairly quickly and it felt so great. So, it's not much, only a few hours for a few days a week, but this feels like a major stepping stone and I'll take it. Also, every time I do math/engineering for the first time in a long time and leave super happy, I'm reminded that I totally chose the right major.
So, a lot of people ask me what my plans for Fall are and it's really the same as previous semesters- I usually have no idea how capable I will be until literally the day before or even the week of so I always sign up for a full schedule and as it gets closer and I drop according to my abilities. So, I have a full schedule "planned" but really I'll be VERY happy if I get to take my 1pm Bio 100 class (my last general) and maybe, if I'm lucky, one engineering class. i should be able to handle that, right? Only time will really tell.
The #1 problem I see with school right now is I have a pretty good schedule going for me right now that helps me feel okay, but it's really time consuming. Fully cooked healthy meals? Lots of sleep? Walking for a few miles every day? And most importantly, acupuncture in Draper almost every day? But my plan is to maybe see if I can drop acupuncture to only Tuesday and Thursday then focus on class MWF, but we'll see.
So these past few months have been interesting... especially April. So, last time I wrote, I said I could tell I was becoming lactose intolerant because every time I ate dairy, immediately after, I felt sick to my stomach. I have frequently had the symptoms of nausea and stomach discomfort, but never as a direct correlation to things I ate. So, I stopped dairy, but soon the stomachaches continued...and it seemed like nothing was safe! Even the vegetables I used to saute for breakfast that I knew were super good for me began to have an effect. So, I started to write down what I was eating to see if there was a correlation, but the list kept getting longer and longer and I just felt completely overwhelmed. It came to a point I was afraid to eat anything because I was so sick of being sick and terrified that I would perpetuate it. It was so stressful and scary. And I was super frustrated because I had changed my diet SO many times and I was being super diligent in choosing the food that would be helpful to me and it seemed like it was all for nothing and it seemed it was not enough. Then by some miracle, I got an appointment for my naturalist that I used to go to, and even though she didn't have all the answers for me, she did have answers for this. And the answer was, my parasites( or even perhaps a candida yeast infection) had returned and basically ruined my digestive system. I have developed a condition called "leaky gut" which is where your body can't break down your food to get the nutrients so it was like my body was intolerant to EVERYTHING. So, this led me to a lot of research. There are different things you can try, #1 get back on supplements to get rid of the parasites, again. #2 go on a specific diet which was cooked vegetables and things easily digested, which I've already been doing! So that was good, and gave me more confidence that my acupuncturist knew what she was doing. #3 Stomach enzymes! To help your digestive system out until it is healed and you can do it on it's own. And I looked up a specific protocol that had me (#4) taking generous doses of the powdered supplement L-Glutamine. There was also a specific diet called GAPS, but it was SUPER long term and really difficult to maintain so I decided to try out the simpler plan first. Also, I was told to go on a 3 day bone broth fast, but honestly, I just felt I didn't get all the nutrients I needed to function so I still had bone broth! But other food with it. And it worked!!! (here's the Link to the protocol) I was diligent for a month and I was so relieved. Being able to eat food is the best.
Soon after this, even though I was feeling way better, I decided to I needed to be extra thorough and I wanted to be sure it was actually parasites because I've heard of that being a misdiagnosis for Candida yeast. I looked into getting the stool test to be extra sure, but I contacted my Dr. in Texas that had helped me with this before and I asked if I could get the test! He said it would be easier if he sent me some pills that would get rid of both and would do no harm if I didn't. Sounds great, right? Well, it worked for a week, but then I got REALLY sick which I was informed was caused by killing off too quickly. So I stopped for a few days, then resumed on half dose. And everything has been fine and dandy since. Well, mostly.
A few weeks ago when my stomach issues were finally being resolved, my fatigue came back. Ugh! But, the good news is it had gone away for a significant amount of time so I believe it can happen again! Also, while taking to my sister about all these various sicknesses, she asked, "Which do you prefer, stomach problems or fatigue?" And I literally went back and forth for about 5 minutes until my indecision answered itself: neither. But the good thing about this fatigue I guess is it still mostly doesn't cause naps or inhibit my day and life is still really good, filled with fun things and great people. My summer thus far has mostly been sticking to my routine and being diligent in the things that help me feel better even if I really, really don't feel like it, but it's always worth it!
I would just like to end this with my testimony. Heavenly Father reminded me this week that I haven't shared my testimony in a long time! I was planning on sharing today in fast and testimony meeting, but alas, I was too sick this morning to make it so I figured this was the next best thing. When I ended my mission two years ago, I would've told you the biggest lesson I learned was relying on the Atonement to receive strength to complete my mission and make it through some really hard times. As I've been reflecting on these past two years, I definitely still have a very strong testimony of the Atonement and of my Savior and all he has helped me through, but the biggest thing for me has been the power of revelation and the spirit.
-Mary
As you already saw, I'M HOME! I'm not a missionary anymore! This is weird! I had the longest day of my life yesterday flying home. Literally 36 hours... with like 4 hours of airplane sleep, patay! But it's so good to be home! I'm really looking forward to reconnecting with you and getting caught up on all your life changes! (or just stalking you on Facebook...haha) In case you didn't know, I had the most amazing mission ever. THE CRAZIEST. but the best:) Wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm excited to go to the doctor, get better and see what other crazy adventures the Lord has in store for me.
P.s. I'm staying in Texas until the end of August and I'll head up to Provo again for school! SO stoaked.
p.p.s Isn't it scary how much I look EXACTLY like my mom? It's a sister pike thing...
Love, Mary --> I still can't believe that's actually my name... haha
So, it's pretty crazy to me that one of the most exciting things was to go to a doctor and get better and I feel like that's something I'm still doing! Which is crazy. But it's also important to remember how far I really have come. When I got home, I was in bed ALL day every day except for when my mom was dragging me to various doctor appointments. Going up the stairs left me out of breathe and ready to take a nap. I was still eating gluten. I still couldn't really see much out of my right eye. I didn't really want to do anything except read. Even when we went to a reunion, I was super tired and didn't participate much.
Fast forward two years: I still sleep a lot but it's probably only like 10 hours! I almost never take naps (except Sundays when I need to wake up early for church). I still drive to Draper 4 days a week for acupuncture and I'm still loving it. I love to go on long walks and sometimes I go to Seven Peaks by myself to get some exercise walking in the lazy river or treading water in the wave pool. I still read a lot. I can eat a lot more variety of food. Still no gluten, sometimes dairy (but usually with a pill). I still try to eat a lot of cooked vegetables, but I've been enjoying the fruits of summer too.
I huge change I saw this week is one of the reasons I haven't been able to do school for the past few semesters (besides a writing class) is because one of my symptoms was brain fog. I couldn't just sit down and concentrate so when I'm expected to do engineering classes where the homework is to sit down and concentrate for a few hours, it was just too much to handle. BUT last week a friend reached out and asked if I would be willing to tutor a guy who was in Calculus 2 this term and was desperate for help and would pay well. My first thought was, "NO WAY!!! I haven't taken that class in over 5 years! And it was the worst! And I haven't done a class with math in almost 2 years!" And my friend said that's what everyone said and that was way he was having such a hard time. Finally, I decided to give it a try and if I wasn't helpful at all, he could just find someone else. In preparation, I watched a YouTube video on the unit they were doing so I could be refreshed and maybe could actually help. Guess what?? It worked! I was helpful and I could explain stuff and I could do trig and integrals and derivatives, and for being math and everyone's least favorite of all the math classes, I loved it. It came back fairly quickly and it felt so great. So, it's not much, only a few hours for a few days a week, but this feels like a major stepping stone and I'll take it. Also, every time I do math/engineering for the first time in a long time and leave super happy, I'm reminded that I totally chose the right major.
So, a lot of people ask me what my plans for Fall are and it's really the same as previous semesters- I usually have no idea how capable I will be until literally the day before or even the week of so I always sign up for a full schedule and as it gets closer and I drop according to my abilities. So, I have a full schedule "planned" but really I'll be VERY happy if I get to take my 1pm Bio 100 class (my last general) and maybe, if I'm lucky, one engineering class. i should be able to handle that, right? Only time will really tell.
The #1 problem I see with school right now is I have a pretty good schedule going for me right now that helps me feel okay, but it's really time consuming. Fully cooked healthy meals? Lots of sleep? Walking for a few miles every day? And most importantly, acupuncture in Draper almost every day? But my plan is to maybe see if I can drop acupuncture to only Tuesday and Thursday then focus on class MWF, but we'll see.
So these past few months have been interesting... especially April. So, last time I wrote, I said I could tell I was becoming lactose intolerant because every time I ate dairy, immediately after, I felt sick to my stomach. I have frequently had the symptoms of nausea and stomach discomfort, but never as a direct correlation to things I ate. So, I stopped dairy, but soon the stomachaches continued...and it seemed like nothing was safe! Even the vegetables I used to saute for breakfast that I knew were super good for me began to have an effect. So, I started to write down what I was eating to see if there was a correlation, but the list kept getting longer and longer and I just felt completely overwhelmed. It came to a point I was afraid to eat anything because I was so sick of being sick and terrified that I would perpetuate it. It was so stressful and scary. And I was super frustrated because I had changed my diet SO many times and I was being super diligent in choosing the food that would be helpful to me and it seemed like it was all for nothing and it seemed it was not enough. Then by some miracle, I got an appointment for my naturalist that I used to go to, and even though she didn't have all the answers for me, she did have answers for this. And the answer was, my parasites( or even perhaps a candida yeast infection) had returned and basically ruined my digestive system. I have developed a condition called "leaky gut" which is where your body can't break down your food to get the nutrients so it was like my body was intolerant to EVERYTHING. So, this led me to a lot of research. There are different things you can try, #1 get back on supplements to get rid of the parasites, again. #2 go on a specific diet which was cooked vegetables and things easily digested, which I've already been doing! So that was good, and gave me more confidence that my acupuncturist knew what she was doing. #3 Stomach enzymes! To help your digestive system out until it is healed and you can do it on it's own. And I looked up a specific protocol that had me (#4) taking generous doses of the powdered supplement L-Glutamine. There was also a specific diet called GAPS, but it was SUPER long term and really difficult to maintain so I decided to try out the simpler plan first. Also, I was told to go on a 3 day bone broth fast, but honestly, I just felt I didn't get all the nutrients I needed to function so I still had bone broth! But other food with it. And it worked!!! (here's the Link to the protocol) I was diligent for a month and I was so relieved. Being able to eat food is the best.
Soon after this, even though I was feeling way better, I decided to I needed to be extra thorough and I wanted to be sure it was actually parasites because I've heard of that being a misdiagnosis for Candida yeast. I looked into getting the stool test to be extra sure, but I contacted my Dr. in Texas that had helped me with this before and I asked if I could get the test! He said it would be easier if he sent me some pills that would get rid of both and would do no harm if I didn't. Sounds great, right? Well, it worked for a week, but then I got REALLY sick which I was informed was caused by killing off too quickly. So I stopped for a few days, then resumed on half dose. And everything has been fine and dandy since. Well, mostly.
A few weeks ago when my stomach issues were finally being resolved, my fatigue came back. Ugh! But, the good news is it had gone away for a significant amount of time so I believe it can happen again! Also, while taking to my sister about all these various sicknesses, she asked, "Which do you prefer, stomach problems or fatigue?" And I literally went back and forth for about 5 minutes until my indecision answered itself: neither. But the good thing about this fatigue I guess is it still mostly doesn't cause naps or inhibit my day and life is still really good, filled with fun things and great people. My summer thus far has mostly been sticking to my routine and being diligent in the things that help me feel better even if I really, really don't feel like it, but it's always worth it!
I would just like to end this with my testimony. Heavenly Father reminded me this week that I haven't shared my testimony in a long time! I was planning on sharing today in fast and testimony meeting, but alas, I was too sick this morning to make it so I figured this was the next best thing. When I ended my mission two years ago, I would've told you the biggest lesson I learned was relying on the Atonement to receive strength to complete my mission and make it through some really hard times. As I've been reflecting on these past two years, I definitely still have a very strong testimony of the Atonement and of my Savior and all he has helped me through, but the biggest thing for me has been the power of revelation and the spirit.
-Mary
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Spring 2016
I have sat down to write this at least 4 times, but it's been hard! Not to say that nothing has happened...because we all know my life is far too crazy for that. As a recap, I've been sick 17 months. I had to triple check that number cause I could hardly believe it! Has it already been that long?! Sometimes, it's really discouraging and I feel like my life is stuck on pause and no matter what I do, no matter how much I change my diet, how many needles I'm poked with, and how many pills I take, it's not changing. But sometimes, most of the time, the only way I make it through, is to pay attention. Pay attention to the improvements, but also to pay attention to the blessings. They're there. And there is improvement too. There are changes, it just happens so gradually it's hard to tell and did you know that humans are literally programmed to forget pain? We look at hard experiences and think, "It wasn't that hard, was it? It wasn't that bad...I could do it again." It's probably good that we do because it keeps us moving forward and doing hard, painful, but meaningful things in our lives that make us better.
I learned this concept while doing my most recent treatment: acupuncture. I'll start with synopsis of what lead me to this: from May to December 2015 I was seeing a naturalist in Provo and I wanted so badly for it to work! I did everything she asked, did multiple rounds of IV treatment and I felt I was getting better-ish...but something was stopping me from going the whole way and I had no idea what it was and neither did they. It was frustrating because they have helped SO MANY people who were in my very same shoes- chronic illnesses that couldn't really be treated by western medicine- and I learned so much and learned all the things that were plaguing me from mold to parasites to low functioning thyroid to vitamin B12 deficiency and there would be periods that I felt better, that I caught a glimpse of what it felt like to be better! Then I would crash and be sick some more. I do believe that it helped me closer, but was just missing something and sadly, it was time to move on. My sister mentioned something about trying acupuncture and I remembered talking to a sister from my mission who was really helped by it so I decided to look into because what do I have to lose?
I got in touch with this sister who led me to an acupuncture clinic in Draper. For my first appointment, I filled out extensive paperwork on how I was feeling in every part of my body in the past month or so and how much it bugged me on a scale of 1 to 10. She went over everything with me and then gave me a plan- come do acupuncture 4 times a week in Draper (that was surprisingly affordable), don't sweat, drink herbal tea with essentially every meal, cook EVERYTHING, practice mindful eating (just sit and eat, don't multitask), smell your food, eat well and in variety and preferably in season. This really doesn't sound like much, but if you consider my life, it was hard. Don't sweat aka never play sports? "That like telling a fish it can't be in water for a few months!" Yes, Mary is to sports like fish is to water. It's been rough. Next: telling someone who eats salads and fruit protein shakes as their main go to food to not eat raw food is asking a lot. But I did it! And I've been doing it for 4 months, if you can believe. Now the main question: is it working?
After one month of driving to Draper 4-5 times a week, I was getting really tired. Well, I was already tired and I couldn't really see how this was helping. She said I would definitely notice if it was making a difference or not within a month and as far as I could tell, it really wasn't and it wasn't worth my time. I was just so exhausted and so tired of being exhausted! But, at my month mark, I filled out my symptom sheet again and looking back at my answers, I had forgotten how many more symptoms I had had! I used to get headaches? When did that stop? I totally forgot that my right eye would randomly tear for months on end and it was really obnoxious. I didn't even notice it go away! The list went on- random chest pains and other joint pain had subsided, my stomach pain was definitely on the decline. I used to have trouble falling asleep? Was that only a month ago? The list went on! I was shocked at the progress I was making before my very eyes that I didn't even notice. So I continued.
February was a super hard month for me, I discovered what depression and anxiety really are and what they can do. After the most stressful week of my life, I felt it settle in like it was there to stay. All of a sudden my stomach was in constant knots, I had trouble sleeping, I was more tired than every, I felt like every relationship I had was forced. I would ask myself, "why am I not as happy with this person as I used to be?" At first I thought it was just that person that was the problem, but then I realized it was with everyone! I was doing things because I knew I should, not because I actually wanted to be with them. I was screening everyone's calls, even my families. I was experiencing random pains everywhere which made me withdraw from everyone even more. My roommates just assumed it was because I was feeling more sick than usual because I was! Guys, Depression hurts. In very real physical ways. I just didn't feel like myself. I felt more pessimistic and when I would think, this isn't who I am, where is my hope and natural optimism? I would try and it just wouldn't come. It was so weird and I didn't talk to anyone as I tried to figure it out. Then one morning as I was preparing to go to the temple, I just felt so overwhelmed with pain that I didn't think I would make it so I knelt down right there in kitchen and prayed for help in figuring it out. Prayed to find a way to overcome this pain that was making everything so much harder. Almost instantly, the thought popped into my head, "this is what anxiety feels like!" I was shocked! After years of doctors saying, "It's just stress, you're depressed, etc." it actually all made sense! I could see how my symptoms might make it seem I had depression and anxiety, but I also knew that this only started this week. This was different. But it was just as real and uncomfortable and I had to do something about it.
I went to the temple and pondered what I needed to do. Who would I tell? What would I do? I decided to go home and figure out if there was anything I could do before getting professional help. I googled the symptoms for depression and everything fit. And then I looked and things to do to help prevent it and it all became clear! You know how I said playing sports was my life? Every semester of college I have taken 1, if not 2 sports classes on top of playing regularly with a group of friends because I always knew I needed it as a stress reliever. Even when the semester got busy, I knew I HAD to go to class so I always had these built-in ways to handle anything the semester could throw at me. And what had I been doing for the past month? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Of course it makes sense that I can't handle my stress, I took away my fail-proof stress reliever! You know what else it said? To go outside! Well, sleeping in, driving to treatments than staying in your house all day definitely don't get you the Vitamin D you need so that made sense too! And eating leafy greens, you know how I said I couldn't have salads anymore cause I had to cook everything? Of course that sudden change in diet was going to affect me. It was then I realized that I didn't have clinical depression, I didn't need medicine or to see a counselor, all I really needed to do was to do the things that I had been neglecting for the past few months. Immediately, I went outside and went on a walk/jog while listening to upbeat music and enjoyed the fresh air. Then I grabbed my waveboard (ripstick) and went for a ride. Before I knew it, I had all the windows and doors open and I was cleaning/organizing the whole apartment. I even took a broom handle and chiseled away the ice rink at the foot of our stairs. I was unstoppable and didn't even notice that I was sick. Before I knew it, I was feeling completely and totally back to myself and it felt awesome. It's amazing what seeming small things can do for your health. Other suggestions included: go do things you enjoy and have a good talk with a loved one and I already had a weekend in California with my boyfriend planned and a 3 week trip to visit my sisters in Northern Virginia immediately after which was exactly what I needed.
Even though this experience only lasted a week, I'm so grateful for the things I learned. #1 To learn the things I needed to regularly do in my life to avoid this reoccurring. #2 To know for a fact that all the sickness I have been experiencing has not been related to stress or anxiety and #3 To get a very small glimpse of what my friends and family struggling with anxiety and depression are dealing with. It's real. You can't just decide to be happy. It rules your life and it's the worst.
Then I went to California with Steven! (we stink at pictures). And then I went to Virginia for three weeks! Which mostly included sleeping, watching my adorable nephew, James, visiting NYC for the weekend, a few day trips to DC with my sisters, watching movies with Jennifer, spending weekends with Julie and occasionally hanging out with my BFF Josie. It was a great time! But I was gone from my acupuncture treatments for a month and I was definitely starting to notice. It was getting harder to fall asleep, more headaches came that I couldn't really trace back to anything in particular, more stomach pains, and although it was a great vacation, I was ready to go back and get going on my treatments again.
I'm back in Provo! And it's been one month. So have the acupuncture treatments helped again? Well...that's difficult to say, probably because I haven't analyzed it fully but mostly because right when I got home, I had a bad stomach virus that put me out for 4 days then I discovered that I am becoming lactose intolerant so I get really bad stomach aches almost instantly and now I've had a really bad cold for the past week. In reality, I could be getting better, but all these other sicknesses are making it hard to notice, which in the past I've noticed is not always a bad thing. I'm really sad that I can no longer drink milk because now my diet is even more difficult, but I'm still experimenting the extent of my intolerance. So far, I've just noticed with milk, raw and cooked and but have not noticed ice cream, cheese, sour cream or yogurt so there is still hope.
In case you didn't notice, I decided not to do school this semester which, as always, I'm EXTREMELY grateful for the spirit and it's guidance in helping me decide what to do with my very uncertain future. I was going to try to finish my independent study biology class, but I've discovered that my ability to memorize is basically down the tube when I feel so sick and tired all the time and driving to Draper 4 times a week for acupuncture treatments is at least a part-time job. I still sleep like a pro and read lots of books and watch Netflix when it hurts to think. I still feel like a stay-at-home-mom with no children as I try to keep our apartment clean for my roommates whom I see less and less. And dating someone has a way of filling up my evenings and making the most boring days worthwhile.
There are still days that I have an emotional breakdown and I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stuck in the bondage of chronic illness, but those are one in a hundred. Those other 99 days are spent being incredibly grateful for all I have been given. When I got off my mission and people would ask me about my plans, I always pictured me with my nose to the grindstone flipping between difficult, full semesters and summer internships week here or there to see family. I think of all the things I wouldn't have done, all the things that wouldn't have been written, read, all the people I wouldn't have met, it's incredible. The things I gained outweigh the things I lost any day. Isn't that crazy? Who'd of thought? I'm always grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows better than I do and loves me enough to help me through hard things and helps me see the better way. In a recent blessing, I was promised that I won't be sick forever and that more answers and healing would be coming. I may have a lot more waiting to do before I can move on with "my life", but I know that His promises are real and it will be worth the wait.
Sister Neill F. Marriott's talk in General Conference hit me really hard, like it was meant just for me. She said:
"Following His plan and becoming a builder of the kingdom require selfless sacrifice. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: 'All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently....purifies our hearts...and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through toil and tribulation, that we gain the education...which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.' These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation."
Sometimes, I feel broken and just so sick that I can't possibly do anything good for anyone else, but I know that I am continually being brought closer to Christ who will heal me and make me useful in the work. Sometimes, I talk to some of you who read this and actually like it and I'd like to think that maybe he already is making me useful in a situation I never could've imagined. We all go through really hard things. Some of them make sense, like an obvious means to an end, but others seem to just be getting in the way of all things good. I know that every hard thing we experience is giving us an education that is more important than we can even fathom. I know that Christ heals and I need that healing everyday, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He lives. Hallelujah.
-Mary
I learned this concept while doing my most recent treatment: acupuncture. I'll start with synopsis of what lead me to this: from May to December 2015 I was seeing a naturalist in Provo and I wanted so badly for it to work! I did everything she asked, did multiple rounds of IV treatment and I felt I was getting better-ish...but something was stopping me from going the whole way and I had no idea what it was and neither did they. It was frustrating because they have helped SO MANY people who were in my very same shoes- chronic illnesses that couldn't really be treated by western medicine- and I learned so much and learned all the things that were plaguing me from mold to parasites to low functioning thyroid to vitamin B12 deficiency and there would be periods that I felt better, that I caught a glimpse of what it felt like to be better! Then I would crash and be sick some more. I do believe that it helped me closer, but was just missing something and sadly, it was time to move on. My sister mentioned something about trying acupuncture and I remembered talking to a sister from my mission who was really helped by it so I decided to look into because what do I have to lose?
I got in touch with this sister who led me to an acupuncture clinic in Draper. For my first appointment, I filled out extensive paperwork on how I was feeling in every part of my body in the past month or so and how much it bugged me on a scale of 1 to 10. She went over everything with me and then gave me a plan- come do acupuncture 4 times a week in Draper (that was surprisingly affordable), don't sweat, drink herbal tea with essentially every meal, cook EVERYTHING, practice mindful eating (just sit and eat, don't multitask), smell your food, eat well and in variety and preferably in season. This really doesn't sound like much, but if you consider my life, it was hard. Don't sweat aka never play sports? "That like telling a fish it can't be in water for a few months!" Yes, Mary is to sports like fish is to water. It's been rough. Next: telling someone who eats salads and fruit protein shakes as their main go to food to not eat raw food is asking a lot. But I did it! And I've been doing it for 4 months, if you can believe. Now the main question: is it working?
After one month of driving to Draper 4-5 times a week, I was getting really tired. Well, I was already tired and I couldn't really see how this was helping. She said I would definitely notice if it was making a difference or not within a month and as far as I could tell, it really wasn't and it wasn't worth my time. I was just so exhausted and so tired of being exhausted! But, at my month mark, I filled out my symptom sheet again and looking back at my answers, I had forgotten how many more symptoms I had had! I used to get headaches? When did that stop? I totally forgot that my right eye would randomly tear for months on end and it was really obnoxious. I didn't even notice it go away! The list went on- random chest pains and other joint pain had subsided, my stomach pain was definitely on the decline. I used to have trouble falling asleep? Was that only a month ago? The list went on! I was shocked at the progress I was making before my very eyes that I didn't even notice. So I continued.
February was a super hard month for me, I discovered what depression and anxiety really are and what they can do. After the most stressful week of my life, I felt it settle in like it was there to stay. All of a sudden my stomach was in constant knots, I had trouble sleeping, I was more tired than every, I felt like every relationship I had was forced. I would ask myself, "why am I not as happy with this person as I used to be?" At first I thought it was just that person that was the problem, but then I realized it was with everyone! I was doing things because I knew I should, not because I actually wanted to be with them. I was screening everyone's calls, even my families. I was experiencing random pains everywhere which made me withdraw from everyone even more. My roommates just assumed it was because I was feeling more sick than usual because I was! Guys, Depression hurts. In very real physical ways. I just didn't feel like myself. I felt more pessimistic and when I would think, this isn't who I am, where is my hope and natural optimism? I would try and it just wouldn't come. It was so weird and I didn't talk to anyone as I tried to figure it out. Then one morning as I was preparing to go to the temple, I just felt so overwhelmed with pain that I didn't think I would make it so I knelt down right there in kitchen and prayed for help in figuring it out. Prayed to find a way to overcome this pain that was making everything so much harder. Almost instantly, the thought popped into my head, "this is what anxiety feels like!" I was shocked! After years of doctors saying, "It's just stress, you're depressed, etc." it actually all made sense! I could see how my symptoms might make it seem I had depression and anxiety, but I also knew that this only started this week. This was different. But it was just as real and uncomfortable and I had to do something about it.
I went to the temple and pondered what I needed to do. Who would I tell? What would I do? I decided to go home and figure out if there was anything I could do before getting professional help. I googled the symptoms for depression and everything fit. And then I looked and things to do to help prevent it and it all became clear! You know how I said playing sports was my life? Every semester of college I have taken 1, if not 2 sports classes on top of playing regularly with a group of friends because I always knew I needed it as a stress reliever. Even when the semester got busy, I knew I HAD to go to class so I always had these built-in ways to handle anything the semester could throw at me. And what had I been doing for the past month? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Of course it makes sense that I can't handle my stress, I took away my fail-proof stress reliever! You know what else it said? To go outside! Well, sleeping in, driving to treatments than staying in your house all day definitely don't get you the Vitamin D you need so that made sense too! And eating leafy greens, you know how I said I couldn't have salads anymore cause I had to cook everything? Of course that sudden change in diet was going to affect me. It was then I realized that I didn't have clinical depression, I didn't need medicine or to see a counselor, all I really needed to do was to do the things that I had been neglecting for the past few months. Immediately, I went outside and went on a walk/jog while listening to upbeat music and enjoyed the fresh air. Then I grabbed my waveboard (ripstick) and went for a ride. Before I knew it, I had all the windows and doors open and I was cleaning/organizing the whole apartment. I even took a broom handle and chiseled away the ice rink at the foot of our stairs. I was unstoppable and didn't even notice that I was sick. Before I knew it, I was feeling completely and totally back to myself and it felt awesome. It's amazing what seeming small things can do for your health. Other suggestions included: go do things you enjoy and have a good talk with a loved one and I already had a weekend in California with my boyfriend planned and a 3 week trip to visit my sisters in Northern Virginia immediately after which was exactly what I needed.
Even though this experience only lasted a week, I'm so grateful for the things I learned. #1 To learn the things I needed to regularly do in my life to avoid this reoccurring. #2 To know for a fact that all the sickness I have been experiencing has not been related to stress or anxiety and #3 To get a very small glimpse of what my friends and family struggling with anxiety and depression are dealing with. It's real. You can't just decide to be happy. It rules your life and it's the worst.
Then I went to California with Steven! (we stink at pictures). And then I went to Virginia for three weeks! Which mostly included sleeping, watching my adorable nephew, James, visiting NYC for the weekend, a few day trips to DC with my sisters, watching movies with Jennifer, spending weekends with Julie and occasionally hanging out with my BFF Josie. It was a great time! But I was gone from my acupuncture treatments for a month and I was definitely starting to notice. It was getting harder to fall asleep, more headaches came that I couldn't really trace back to anything in particular, more stomach pains, and although it was a great vacation, I was ready to go back and get going on my treatments again.
I'm back in Provo! And it's been one month. So have the acupuncture treatments helped again? Well...that's difficult to say, probably because I haven't analyzed it fully but mostly because right when I got home, I had a bad stomach virus that put me out for 4 days then I discovered that I am becoming lactose intolerant so I get really bad stomach aches almost instantly and now I've had a really bad cold for the past week. In reality, I could be getting better, but all these other sicknesses are making it hard to notice, which in the past I've noticed is not always a bad thing. I'm really sad that I can no longer drink milk because now my diet is even more difficult, but I'm still experimenting the extent of my intolerance. So far, I've just noticed with milk, raw and cooked and but have not noticed ice cream, cheese, sour cream or yogurt so there is still hope.
In case you didn't notice, I decided not to do school this semester which, as always, I'm EXTREMELY grateful for the spirit and it's guidance in helping me decide what to do with my very uncertain future. I was going to try to finish my independent study biology class, but I've discovered that my ability to memorize is basically down the tube when I feel so sick and tired all the time and driving to Draper 4 times a week for acupuncture treatments is at least a part-time job. I still sleep like a pro and read lots of books and watch Netflix when it hurts to think. I still feel like a stay-at-home-mom with no children as I try to keep our apartment clean for my roommates whom I see less and less. And dating someone has a way of filling up my evenings and making the most boring days worthwhile.
There are still days that I have an emotional breakdown and I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stuck in the bondage of chronic illness, but those are one in a hundred. Those other 99 days are spent being incredibly grateful for all I have been given. When I got off my mission and people would ask me about my plans, I always pictured me with my nose to the grindstone flipping between difficult, full semesters and summer internships week here or there to see family. I think of all the things I wouldn't have done, all the things that wouldn't have been written, read, all the people I wouldn't have met, it's incredible. The things I gained outweigh the things I lost any day. Isn't that crazy? Who'd of thought? I'm always grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows better than I do and loves me enough to help me through hard things and helps me see the better way. In a recent blessing, I was promised that I won't be sick forever and that more answers and healing would be coming. I may have a lot more waiting to do before I can move on with "my life", but I know that His promises are real and it will be worth the wait.
Sister Neill F. Marriott's talk in General Conference hit me really hard, like it was meant just for me. She said:
"Following His plan and becoming a builder of the kingdom require selfless sacrifice. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: 'All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently....purifies our hearts...and makes us more tender and charitable ...and it is through toil and tribulation, that we gain the education...which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.' These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation."
Sometimes, I feel broken and just so sick that I can't possibly do anything good for anyone else, but I know that I am continually being brought closer to Christ who will heal me and make me useful in the work. Sometimes, I talk to some of you who read this and actually like it and I'd like to think that maybe he already is making me useful in a situation I never could've imagined. We all go through really hard things. Some of them make sense, like an obvious means to an end, but others seem to just be getting in the way of all things good. I know that every hard thing we experience is giving us an education that is more important than we can even fathom. I know that Christ heals and I need that healing everyday, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He lives. Hallelujah.
-Mary
Thursday, December 3, 2015
The Parable of the Sick Person
Today, I stumbled upon a metaphor that I wrote about in one of my study journals and decided to share it.
July 2014
"When I was sick and I came home from my mission, the doctors still had no idea what was going on. At one point, my mom thought, "Maybe it's Celiac disease, do you want to try going without gluten?" and I said, "No! I don't want to go without gluten unnecessarily." Then, they did the blood test which tested positive for Celiac, but I hadn't seen a doctor, so no one technically told me I should top eating gluten. I had told some people that was my diagnosis, but it was still so unreal to me that I didn't treat it seriously. I even keep deliberating eating gluten products thinking, "I'm going to eat it while I still can!"
And then one day after I was hurting particularly badly, it hit me. What is wrong with you?! Aren't you sick of being sick?? It's been almost 2 months! Shouldn't you be doing EVERYTHING within your power to get better?? And I realized how stupid I was for "procrastinating the day of my repentance" and knowingly harming myself because I didn't want to give up eating gluten yet. And it struck me today, how many times do we allow sins (the degree varying from bread to soy sauce) or sinful behavior to poison our lives and keep us from progressing and getting better? How many times do we think, "Well no one has told me to change yet so I can continue this harmful behavior"? Is it worth it? No. Do we want to be healed? Are we willing to forsake all sin and allow it to happen? It will be hard at first, breaking habits, being absolutely vigilant, but if we slip and allow sin, as sure as poison it will bring pain and impede our progress to happiness. I could decide to give up on the lifestyle one day(in my case, being gluten-free), but that has no affect on its effect on me. I can't control that. It's just nature! Whether I was aware of it or not, gluten was harming my body. Mormons or not, sin is sin and you cannot avoid its effects on our lives."
I would like to add that it took me two weeks (maybe even a month) for the gluten-free diet to take effect and for me to notice. A few weeks later, I accidentally ate gluten and the difference was never more clear in my life. It knocked me OUT. In fact, I would say that I felt worse those days then I ever did when I was sick, but eating gluten on a regular basis. Weird, right? Sometimes we don't realize how harmful a habit or a sin is until it's been completely been removed from our lives for an extended period of time and then when we're introduced to it again, we are able to see more clearly how harmful it really is. It was only when I realized how incredibly sick it made me that my desire to eat those gluten-filled foods completely vanished. My desires changed and something that was difficult for me became so easy and now, second nature. I know that that is what happens when turn to the Savior and allow Him to heal us by giving up the things holding us back. He changes us and makes what was once impossible, second nature.
July 2014
"When I was sick and I came home from my mission, the doctors still had no idea what was going on. At one point, my mom thought, "Maybe it's Celiac disease, do you want to try going without gluten?" and I said, "No! I don't want to go without gluten unnecessarily." Then, they did the blood test which tested positive for Celiac, but I hadn't seen a doctor, so no one technically told me I should top eating gluten. I had told some people that was my diagnosis, but it was still so unreal to me that I didn't treat it seriously. I even keep deliberating eating gluten products thinking, "I'm going to eat it while I still can!"
And then one day after I was hurting particularly badly, it hit me. What is wrong with you?! Aren't you sick of being sick?? It's been almost 2 months! Shouldn't you be doing EVERYTHING within your power to get better?? And I realized how stupid I was for "procrastinating the day of my repentance" and knowingly harming myself because I didn't want to give up eating gluten yet. And it struck me today, how many times do we allow sins (the degree varying from bread to soy sauce) or sinful behavior to poison our lives and keep us from progressing and getting better? How many times do we think, "Well no one has told me to change yet so I can continue this harmful behavior"? Is it worth it? No. Do we want to be healed? Are we willing to forsake all sin and allow it to happen? It will be hard at first, breaking habits, being absolutely vigilant, but if we slip and allow sin, as sure as poison it will bring pain and impede our progress to happiness. I could decide to give up on the lifestyle one day(in my case, being gluten-free), but that has no affect on its effect on me. I can't control that. It's just nature! Whether I was aware of it or not, gluten was harming my body. Mormons or not, sin is sin and you cannot avoid its effects on our lives."
I would like to add that it took me two weeks (maybe even a month) for the gluten-free diet to take effect and for me to notice. A few weeks later, I accidentally ate gluten and the difference was never more clear in my life. It knocked me OUT. In fact, I would say that I felt worse those days then I ever did when I was sick, but eating gluten on a regular basis. Weird, right? Sometimes we don't realize how harmful a habit or a sin is until it's been completely been removed from our lives for an extended period of time and then when we're introduced to it again, we are able to see more clearly how harmful it really is. It was only when I realized how incredibly sick it made me that my desire to eat those gluten-filled foods completely vanished. My desires changed and something that was difficult for me became so easy and now, second nature. I know that that is what happens when turn to the Savior and allow Him to heal us by giving up the things holding us back. He changes us and makes what was once impossible, second nature.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Remembering Yolanda
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of one the craziest weeks of my life! As the years pass, it's really easy to get caught up in life and forget the things we've experienced and the lessons we've learned, but today will always be a day for me to remember the hard things we went through, but also the miracles we experienced to help us cope and then become stronger than before. I wrote this account of my experiences in the Manila MTC after our mission was relocated and before I began my next adventure in Cebu mission. At the time, I felt very strongly that I need to write MY story, the whole thing so others could understand and so that I would never forget. Hope you enjoy!
*From Biliran zone
*From Biliran zone
11/18/2013
Hello! I know tons of people are following my story because we made headlines (which I STILL cannot believe) and I do not ever know where to begin. This has been the most incredible experience ever and I am so grateful that I was privileged enough to be a part of the Philippines Tacloban Mission. Right now we are in Manila staying in the temple patron housing-with my ENTIRE mission-regrouping, recovering and having the time of our lives and it is basically a dream come true. Everyone says missions are hard/ amazing and I feel like I got that x1,000,000,000,000,000. With greater trials come greater miracles and I know more than ever that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us. Miracles are very real. The church is true. I will keep this experience as the best and craziest experience of my life.
I guess all I can do is give the story from my point of view. Starting Tuesday, Our zone leader texts us and says "SUPER TYPHOON! watch out- don't plan on working on Thursday!" Then the next day, "never mind, don't work on Friday!" And in my experiences of typhoons, you stay inside, it rains really hard then nothing happens and you just go back to work. Literally in Catarman there weren't even puddles so we thought, no big deal! We'll just clean and catch up on letters and studying... As it progressed, we received more and more information- stock up on food, recharge your emergency light, get an extra cell phone battery, get rope... and stay in the apartment all day Thursday and Friday just in case it comes early. Thursday was super weird because we just hung out but it felt like it was for no reason because there was no rain or anything. I literally rewaxed our kitchen floor.
Friday (November 8)
We woke up at 4am when our fans turned off. Everyone texted us at 6 to see if we were still okay and just to check in and basically immediately the signal was dropped. It was kinda unnerving knowing that we had no contact with anyone during a typhoon-we've never lost signal before!- but we weren't too worried. Pretty soon we were trying to do our personal study but the wind was SO strong and SO loud. I moved under my desk at one point because my desk faces a window that I was afraid might break at any second and we could not concentrate in the slightest. Basically all our rooms have windows so is SO loud so we decided to make a little safe haven in the one place our windows were guarded by our back porch which is basically our closet. It's technically a room but it's just where our clothes are and is tiny! so we laid out our mattresses, emergency light and turned on our hymns full blast (thanks for the battery operated speakers!) and tried to distract ourselves and I ended up writing a letter which I'm so glad I did because it gives me so much more perspective. And reading the scriptures which always gives me comfort. I was in my holy place. The really strong, loud winds lasted until about noon, we kept needing to check around the house for leaks and set up a few pots and sister Estes' bed (the top bunk) got soaked! but that was the extent of the damage. It was still raining hard but we decided to make our fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and corn feast. Our closest thing to an american meal and I literally made the mashed potatoes with powdered milk. You learn to improvise for sure! It was still delicious! We ate then weekly planned (planned who we would visit and what lessons we would teach) just like normal. That is how incredibly unaware we were. And since it gets dark at about 5:30, we basically just went to bed super early.
Saturday(November 9)
Cell phone service was still cut out and we were kinda concerned, just because we get instructions from our leaders always! So we decided to do our studies as normal and go find the Zone Leaders (who share our area) and ask them what we should do. We left a note on the door and headed out. Our street was totally fine because we live in a nice neighborhood, but as soon as we walked to the main road, we were pretty shocked. trees uprooted, telephone lines completely fallen over. Of course we expected many members houses to be broken because they live in little wooden houses but we didn't expect that. We then realized the power would be out for more than just a few days- a month or two was predicted- but we just expected to be camping for a while. We visited the Elders apartment and found a tree completely blocking their house (the pathway) and the gate was locked. We realized they could totally be stuck inside and no one would know so we started yelling for them then their neighbors said they had already left. One thing that was SO amazing was that everyone was out, cleaning up and building their houses with a smile on their faces. They know how to get up and go to work and are such an amazing example. We decided to go back to our apartment to wait if the zone leaders would come check on us so we just made lunch and studied some more. We decided to try one more time at their apartment and right when we were on the way, we ran into each other. They had no idea what to do and were trying to contact the mission office by finding a land line to no avail. So we just decided to make sure we get home before dark and go to work. So we visited many of the members houses to see how they were doing and the state of their houses. It was pretty sad to see one member's house completely flattened- complete with a couch just sitting in the middle of rubble. But you know what? They were still smiling. They were still legitimately happy and hopeful. and then another one it like collapsed and so they were living in the church. The other one that their house was destroyed literally cleaned the debris and set up a tent to live out of. They have 8 people in their family. Other than that, it was pretty miraculous that other members houses weren't broken because they were in the same area which probably got hit the hardest. We got home before dark, cooked dinner with a flashlight, studied by candlelight and went to bed SUPER early just because we're bored and can't do much else!Sunday(November 10)
We went to church and it was cool. Taytay Rosales came super early and we asked about his family(who we just baptized) and he said, "we don't have drinking water so they're figuring that out but I said I'm going to church!" He is seriously the coolest most solid person ever. I was really worried about them because they live wayy out in the bukid (forest/mountain) but just their kitchen roof blew off and luckily they evacuated to the school nearby. The talks were super inspiring, we only had just sacrament meeting then MCM which is CRAZY!!!! Missionary Coordination Meeting is for the branch to sign up to work with the missionaries. I kinda thought our Branch President was crazy but i definitely admire his zeal for missionary work that the work must continue. It was here that we heard Tacloban got it worse but we had NO idea how bad. Someone told us 100 had died and we were pretty shocked. Way worse than we expected. Right after we had an emergency meeting which was cool to be a part of. Pres. Ang coordinated to have 4 different motors (motorcycles) go to all the members to record the damage- it was SO organized, I was so proud. We split up the cameras and we went with the Fermin couple and Tay Rosales to the bukid and had quite the adventure. These people were literally grandparents and they were helping US climb up these crazy hills and jumping off walls...they are so legit! And just hilarious. We went back to report to President Ang and went home to make dinner. Every time we went to bed so early and slept so well. Literally our biggest problem was that we had to save our power because knew it would be at least a month before we got power back. We were confident that all other areas were totally fine. Later we heard 1,000 had died in Tacloban and we were even more shocked! We had no idea.Monday (November 11)
We had a secret hope that we would find a way to email but we just accepted it and literally sent letters to my family saying, hey I'm alive! You hopefully heard from us a little bit before you get this letter cause it might be a month before we communicate. And we weren't super worried because we thought maybe we could go to Tacloban because they probably have power and communication wayy before we do because we're just a little island with a tiny little city(but it's not even big enough to be called that) and Tacloban is the central hub of 3 islands! It's so sad how incredibly ignorant we were. Of course it wasn't our fault! but it's still sad. We left a note for the sisters because we wanted to see them and share stories and we planned to go to Jelo's the restaurant in Naval with a generator and satellite so we hoped to get some news. Luckily we ran into the Sisters (from Cabucgyan and Balaquid (sister Brown and Sister Mier then Sister Robinson and Sister Nunez) walking down the street and we stopped to talk to them. i talked to Sister Robinson and she looked pretty sick. She said, "you don't know do you? We haven't slept in days." What? Why? I've slept like a baby and gotten like 10 hours of sleep a night." "Tacloban is gone. 10,000 people are dead and the count is rising. There are riots, no food and water and they are literally killing each other over every little thing. It's chaos. McDonald's? gone. full cement building swept away. 90 ft tsunami hit and it flooded and is just gone. (which wasn't actually entirely true) We are probably going to pulled out." This was an incredible shock to me. The main city of my mission? swept away and completely obliterated? What about President Andaya and the mission home? The office elders? The San Jose sisters? out of the 10,000 odds are not good. It made me sick. And the thought of our mission ending... so hard. So we made a plan. Gas was running low on the island and their areas were super far away. They didn't have any of their clothes but we decided they would come back and stay in Naval with us until we started to get some answers. They literally hadn't had food in their area and were living off crackers and had already started to ration their food. Their areas were hit SO hard. 50% of members in Balaquid were homeless. And Cabucgayan was hit hard too. And Monday was the first day there was a path cleared to Naval because all the trees blocked everything. There was no food in their areas to begin with- literally they needed to buy everything they need to eat for the week in Naval on Preparation day so now, there is REALLY no food. Literally members were collecting coconuts for meals. We also talked to Elder Burton in Biliran and they got hit pretty hard. They also had no food, no running water in their apartment and had literally split an egg with his companion (he's a big guy) and hadn't showered in days to save the water. So we decided to meet with the Zone Leaders to talk about it because they still were completely in the dark. We waited for a few hours but they still weren't there and the other sisters still had to catch the last ride back to their areas, but they decided they would come back and bring their clothes. Also Elder Burton said they had a member driving to Tacloban to find some things out and the Sisters went to Tacloban because sister Bonagua was sick but they had NO idea what was in store for them. And before that we all went to Prince (the grocery store which was COMPLETELY stocked) and stocked up for weeks. We thought we might be pulled out...but we had no idea where, how or when so we prepared for anything. We bought 20 kg of rice ( to give a reference, Sister Estes and I go through about 3kg for one week.) We did have 6 sisters though but I think we had enough to survive for about 2 weeks. and about 50 pancit cantons(ramen noodle like things that you eat with rice) and tons of snacks. We also had to ration our money with no atms and we had no idea if we would all of a sudden need to travel to escape. We talked to the Zone Leaders and they told everyone to come backtomorrow except for Caibiran who live on the other side of the island and might not have enough gas to make it back so they just stayed.Tuesday (November 12)
We did not sleep like at all. Our minds were on the other missionaries. On our families and friends worrying who don't know we're alive. We don't know who is dead and what other areas were affected. The fact that Philippines Tacloban Mission is done and we have no idea if we will ever come back. We can literally not communicate with any members because they don't have computers and the only way is through pouch mail (aka you give it to missionaries who take it back to the areas to give it to them) It was a lot to swallow. and wayy too much to think about. We went to the church to meet the other missionaries. We were supposed to a Zone Training Meeting, but it did not even occur to me that that would continue. We got there a little late and all the elders were already there. We talked to Elder Burton who said President Corbin (Branch President of Biliran) who returned from Tacloban and had talked to President Andaya. He said officially Tacloban mission is closed. All missionaries will be reassigned. People are being pulled out. That was actually a relief because we heard SOMETHING. But still didn't know when. And then we started Zone Training meeting and talked about normal missionary work. I admired their commitment to continue but I just felt they were kinda avoiding the big problem. I think they were literally just in denial and it was just too much to handle all at once. The sisters came in halfway through carrying all their stuff and looked exhausted. We were just happy to see them but we were just worried they wouldn't be able to find a bus and they would be walking back- it would take hours- because gas was running low. After some talking we decided it would be best for all the sisters to stay in Naval together even though there was just one tiny apartment but we knew in the end that when they came to look for us, we wanted to make it as easy as possible. But we had no idea when that was. And they had had a SUPER hard time because their companions were Filipino and just would not understand the situation. They just thought they were two dumb Americans who were overreacting. Every time they wanted to get food, be safe, come to Naval, they basically refused and just laughed at them. "I felt like I was taking crazy pills!" They constantly had to reflect and think if they were doing the right thing. Which they were! you can't really help the members if you have nothing yourself. We knew (even though they didn't believe it) that people were coming for us and we wanted to make sure we were playing it smart until they made it. It was really hard for them- warning, not all Filipinos are like this, it was just really hard. We heard word there could be another typhoon- not serious at all- but we were extra cautious and stayed inside playing the- lets-pretend-everything-is-okay-so-we-don't-have-an-emotional-breakdown game. But I was super lucky because between Sister Brown, Sister Estes, and Sister Robinson, we were very distracted and cracked jokes, told stories and laughed our heads off. I didn't feel like at all like a missionary but very therapeutic and exactly what we needed. As you can imagine, we became closer than close and I don't know what I would've done without them. The zone leaders said to stay in the apartment and they would come back and check on us. I literally got 1 hour of sleep and just talked all night because when it was quiet, we just wanted to cry.Wednesday (November 13)
We woke up, got ready and studied, waiting on the zone leaders to come. They were taking forever and we were anxious to get to work helping the members of Naval and we were tempted to go to work and just leave a note but something told me to stay and it was a miracle. They came and we talked about what we were planning on doing for the day- which we NEVER do and the elders told us exactly where they'd be and suggested that we go help the Lugagay family clean up the debris of their collapsed apartment, but to stop by the church to talk to the family first. So we left to go buy brooms. Funny story- We stop by this store and "ayo"- or yell for the store owner to get there- and this really old nanay(lady) sticks her head out the window and she's in a towel. We say we want to buy some things but expect her to finish and we'll just wait. Literally she walks out in a towel, standing on the sidewalk, and takes our money and does business as usual. We're just cracking up so hard! she was literally like 70 years old standing on the street in the city in nothing but a towel like nothing was wrong!- only in the Philippines. We continue to the church and the members say, "Sister pike! There was a man from Salt Lake looking for you!" I was so confused. "For me or for all the missionaries?" "ikaw lang"(just you). What?! I'm on a tiny island in the middle of the Philippines right after a huge typhoon and someone is looking JUST for me? I realized we had just left our apartment with no note and maybe they (they mystery searchers) would go there next. Sister Estes and I decided to walk back but the other 4 sisters didn't need to walk all that way with us and they couldn't go to the house we were planning on because it wasn't their area so they had no idea where it was so they just decided to wait at the church which is another little miracle. We go back to the apartment leaving a note saying when we'll be back in case anyone comes looking and return back to the church to get the sisters. When we get there, we see these guys walking around outside in these official looking orange rescue pants and think, what is going on? This is not normal. and we are so shocked when we walk in and see the 4 sisters sitting in a circle talking to...PRESIDENT ANDAYA! I didn't recognize him in his normal shirt and orange legit rescue pants but we were so relieved. We meet Elder Ardern of the quorum of the seventy and in the area presidency shakes our hands and says, "Sister Pike, we are so relieved to contact you. I have talked to your parents multiple times and it's so good to finally meet you." We sit down and they brief us. "We are so glad to find you, you have been in the prayers of the First presidency, quorum of the twelve, all the brethren, all the missionaries in the world and the entire church. We are so relieved but of course we had the utmost confidence that you would be found safe. Tacloban is basically no longer on the face of the earth so it is necessary for us to close the Philippines Tacloban Mission for the time being until things are more stabilized. But don't worry, we will return. Right now, we are locating all the missionaries in the mission and getting them to Manila where they will be fed, cleaned, taken care of and receive their new assignments to other mission in the Philippines(we were so relieved because we were terrified some would be put in America and we would not be able to handle it). Everyone has been contacted and you are the last group out of the mission." I felt like I was in a movie! Is this really happening? Does the whole world really care about this? We had no idea. Then he pulls out his phone and says, "Can I take your picture? The First presidency of the church wants a picture of all the rescued missionaries." The first presidency?!?! I would have never even guessed it would make the news. We tell them we know exactly where the elders are and we leave! They parked at the end of the street- because they couldn't fit the car in because it was so narrow and there were fallen telephone lines so me and Sister Estes RAN to the members house.Can you imagine if we had been at this random members house helping them? Can you imagine if the other sisters had been in their areas (aka the mountains with no real roads or trails? Can you imagine if we hadn't talked to the Elders earlier that day and known exactly where they were? We go to the members house but they are not there, they went to another member further down but he was asking what was going on. This was the member whose house got completely flattened and it hurt to see the look on his face when we told them we were leaving. Like we were just abandoning them in their greatest time of need. They probably still have no idea how incredibly dangerous and horrible Tacloban so it looked like we were just peacing out after a tiny little thing. Well, it wasn't tiny- it was the worst storm ever but all we had to worry about was the situation of Naval, we could've easily stayed and helped. It broke our hearts. We ran a little further and asked where the elders had gone. So we kept running and were SO tired. We made it to another member's house who had collapsed and we yelled for the Elders. They could only open the front door a crack and through it I said, "President Andaya is here. We're being pulled out and going to Manila. Philippines Tacloban Mission is done." That's a lot to process through a door! They were still in shock- "Naval is fine! We'll just stay here! The members need our help!" But they still didn't fully understand and I didn't have time to explain. " Our rescue team is waiting for you, we need to leave immediately! RUN!" So we ran. Actually they ran and we took a pedicab back (a guy riding a bicycle with a seat attached to the side) because we would not have made it. All the missionaries piled in, it was squished! and we went to our apartments. They dropped off the Elders to pack. Then us. We thought we had more time to pack because we thought they were going all the way to the other sister's areas to get their luggage before coming back but they came back WAY too soon. I had unpacked the stocked fridge so we could give it all the members- that was so nice! Usually it's not allowed for us to give food or money as missionaries to members because they need to get the help from the church a different way but now we had an excuse so with 20 kg of rice and a fridge full of food, I'm sure there were many members extremely grateful. They came back to get us- turns out there was a different rescue team searching for the sisters who would take them to their areas so we needed to go now! Two other sisters grabbed everything I owned and threw it in. by the time we left, the place was an absolute wreck. It looked like we had been robbed and kidnapped. This process was made difficult because of the complete lack of communication but we made it through somehow.
We made it back to the church. Some members had randomly showed up and were seeing us leave. It was nice to get a few last pictures before we had left. I have yet to have a normal transfer where I actually have enough notice to say goodbye to anyone! Crazy huh? The other 4 sisters and 2 elders went to their areas on the other side of the island with a different rescue team and we piled in to head to the Biliran chapel to wait and regroup. Luckily, District president Gerez was there and offered his truck to help take us to Ormoc (2 hours away) which was such an amazing miracle and blessing because we would not have any room for everyone otherwise. Looking back, the hand of the Lord was so present in every little step, it is impossible to deny. We hopped in and got the LUCKIEST SEATS EVER. In the car with President Andaya and Elder Ardern. On the 30 minute drive, he asked us what we wanted to know and we just said tell us about Tacloban, we still can't believe what happened. So he asked, "Do you mind if I read from my journal my experience?" "OF COURSE NOT!" So he did and we just cried our eyes out. Especially when he mentioned my MTC companion, Sister Schaap, saving the day when they escaped to roof of the San Jose apartment and almost died. I just love them so much and cannot imagine the scarring that will leave on them. And then we waited at the Biliran chapel for the other missionaries to come back with their stuff and just talked to President Andaya and he told us everything that happened to them and showed us the pictures. He is the most humble and amazing man and an incredibly wonderful example of giving his all to the service of the Lord. His house flooded, his whole family was in such danger and yet he was worried about all the other missionaries, everyone they couldn't contact. I talked to Sister Schaap last night and she said rumors are the worst because no matter where you were, no one had contact. So everyone thought everyone else was dead. We all had faith that the Lord could protect us but we also knew that it wasn't impossible for missionaries to die on their missions. She said that everyone said Ormoc and Biliran were gone and it's of course not true! And then watching the news- a lot of their facts are off, I've heard the real stories and I never realized how wrong they could be. Let the facts be known that not a single missionary had a 72 hour kit. But it sure would've helped. We were told to get food and that's the extent of it. We had no idea. Any way, they eventually came and we were on our way to Ormoc and once again in the luckiest place ever. Back in the car with President and Elder Ardern receiving a general conference and advice and every single thing he could think of. It was probably the coolest thing of my life and I learned so much! One thing they were SO good at was not letting us be silent. Keeping our minds occupied so we couldn't think hey, this is so sad. I'm leaving the members, that I have served and grown to love who have become my family, in their greatest need. And not knowing if we're ever going to be able to come back.
One thing he said that made me laugh, we talked about our siblings serving in the states and he said, "pshh that's not even a mission! Now THIS is a mission!" As we're being rescued and driving through a jungle of twigs from broken trees and houses destroyed. Never ever in a million years thought of this being a possibility but it definintely is a mission to remember! (as if it wasn't crazy enough before haha) Also, He was so funny! President Andaya too! They have a great sense of humor to keep us laughing. Then we arrived in Ormoc chapel. Tons of members were living there because their houses had been destroyed and they fed us dinner of pork and beans and bread and it tasted so good! Through all the hustle of the day, we had not even stopped to eat. They set us up in the chapel to sleep on the pews with the elders with on the floor in the gym. The floor was still wet from the floods and smelled like a funeral home but it was one of the only chapels in the whole mission with cushions on the seats so that was a score. But no matter how tired we were, we could not sleep a wink. Our members. Our mission. Our friends the other missionaries and the horrors they must have witnessed. Sister Robinson and I just talked in the dark all night long until we could finally sleep at 5 only to be woken up at 6. We could see guards walking around all night with flashlight because this desperate community was no longer safe. Especially since the church is known for being wealthy. We were woken up, shoveled in some breakfast and were on our way. They gave us Mormon helping hands jersey things and we were told to hide our name tags because as missionaries, we were not given priority to get on the boats. We posed as volunteers who had come in to help with the aftermath. Legit, huh? We were smuggled out! Driving through Ormoc was just sad. It was just a sad place. People on every corner starving. The Hospital with cracked windows and nothing but an empty shell. All stores boarded up. We saw Sister Kramer's pictures from right after the storm and it looked way worse when we saw it. This isn't about surviving the actual storm, but it's effects. We got on the boat and Sister Robinson called being the last missionary in region 8! (Tacloban mission) Everyone was on the boat and she stepped on last then an elder ran back and touched on foot back, ha! It was so hilarious. But she still claims it as she should. We rode for 3 hours to Cebu, which is so fancy! Nothing like Tacloban which is like the ghetto of the Philippines aka the best part:) and had Mcdonald's. After a week of no power, fresh food or cold food, it tasted SO good. They were SO good about taking care of us, planning everything so perfectly so there was always someone to meet us then pass us on to the next place.
Then we flew from Cebu to Manila (1 hour flight) and we were picked up at the Airport and drove back to the MTC/MRC. What should have been 30 minutes took 2 hours in the crazy and Manila traffic and we were so dead. On one hour of sleep and in the same exact clothes we had gone out to work in. We were in the shock of our lives when we get out and get debriefed by the Philippines Area Presidency. They were so happy to see us after working so hard for so many days to find a way out for us. They told us about our mission calls and that the next 3 batches of missionaries would be going home and the rest of us would be getting our mission calls with the rest of the mission that night! All we wanted to do was shower and get clean and eat and sleep but we went to see the rest of the mission and it was one of the most rewarding experiences ever. When the other missionaries saw us- the very last of the group coming in- they ran and tackled us, many tears and lots of thanks. I've never felt so loved. I was just so happy we got to see everyone again! We had asked the rescuers if we would be reunited one last time before we got shipped off to various missions but they couldn't give us a for sure answer so we feared the worst and got the absolute best. We met as a whole mission for the first time ever and they told us the plan. We would get our mission calls that were assigned by the area presidency and they knew they were revelation from God. They specified that we would never lose our identity as the Tacloban missionaries as we went out to serve other areas in the Philippines and share our testimonies that have grown SO much through this entire ordeal. They told us that we would be receiving a mission picture with a list of all 204 missionaries, their emails to keep in touch and a dvd with all the media that had come out while we were experiencing it all. It was really a dream come true and they could not have done more to help us cope with this difficult situation.
After the meeting, we lined up and opened our calls and I just happened to remember that exactly one year ago, I had received my call to the Philippines Tacloban Mission. To the day! Wow. November 14- Philippines Cebu Mission, Cebuano speaking!!!! Relief came, and I knew it was exactly right. There were only 3 Bisayan missions (aka Cebuano speaking) and 7 Tagalog speaking so I knew there was a chance to speak Tagalog and I would've done it but I was so relieved to be actually able to know my language. But many Americans that don't know a word of Tagalog are going, and I'm sure they'll be just fine. After that, we all rejoiced and shared our mission calls with each other and there was just pure happiness. All missionaries love their mission and the other missionaries, but I'm afraid no other mission in the world could ever be closer than this. Experiencing this together made us more like a family than anything ever could. I saw the coolest thing ever. Right before I opened my call, An elder who had been in Tacloban and the heart of it all opened is call- also to Cebu and just started crying and dropped on his knees instantly and stared out loud thanking heavenly father for his call. It was incredible to witness. Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need. Then we got to call our families! Jenny and Julie were the shock of their lives cause no one else answered the phone! And you should all be pretty impressed that I still had remembered everyone's number.
Since then, We took a mission picture and had our first and last mission conference, everyone was in tears and it was an experience I will never forget. I feel so grateful to be a part of this mission. I can't believe how much we are on the news and whenever we go to the temple, random people come up to us and call us heroes. I don't really think so but I'm glad they're inspired by each of our stories. Everyone's experience is so different and I'm so uplifted by them all. I'm surrounded by some pretty incredible people. These past few days have just been the best and I've been savoring every minute. Everyone going to Cebu(there are quite a few! Yay! Lots from my batch and I'll get to see 3 elders from my MTC district!) and other missions have already left but some from my group are staying a little longer to rest and process everything because we're were the last ones so we got way less time than everyone. They take care of us so well, and I really couldn't ask for anything more. Even though it was hard and still is emotionally taxing thinking of everyone we left and my whole mission being destroyed, I'm grateful and I would do it again in a heart beat. The things I have learned are worth too much and I'm sure I will continue to learn and grow from this experience. And in Cebu, I will embrace the opportunity to get 2 missions and 2 loving mission presidents and I'm sure I have much to learn from them and so much to share. It's funny cause it's almost exactly half way and since being here feels exactly like being in the MTC I really feel like I'm starting mission #2! I'm so stoked. And that's my story. I've heard some amazing other ones that make me cry, but help me grow. I wish I had time to share them all but this is the longest thing ever! I love you. Thank you for your love and support!
Funny story- In mission conference, Elder Ferrin said, "Now that we all saved you and we spent a lot of money, it's time for pay back. for every minute of your parents call's to us, you owe 1 peso. for every minute of ours to them, you owe 10 pesos. Elder Oaks, you owe 200,000(ish). my thought-wow that's ridiculous! Then he said and Sister Pike, you owe 12 million (ish) pesos! Everyone looked at me and clapped haha I was super embarrassed. But felt super loved. It was hilarious.
Sister Pike
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